Hey! Do You Get Mail From Those Jerky People...

usually trying to get you to either accept a huge amount of
money from them into your bank account, OR, trying to get
money from you with a sad sob story of woe?

I always find it curious that the destitute ones have
gathered up their final pennies in a last desperate attempt
to pay for their Internet and email access.

Anyway, I have received so many of these letters that I
actually took the time to write a response to the last letter,
and a response that I will use in the future.

So, feel free to give me your opinion on whether this is a
good step in solving this particular problem.

P. S. I failed to include the guilty party's name and letter,
since he might suddenly become creative and sue me for libel,
slander, or both...

* P. P. S. * In advance, no malice or disrespect is intended
toward anyone with disabilities.
___________________________________________________________


{---MY RESPONSE TO WOULD BE "WALLET HACKERS"---]


Re: EMAIL FROM MARK I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE

Mark, I am very sorry that I cannot help you financially, but
instead of simply brushing you aside, let me explain why I
cannot:

In 1958, I was born with:

* 3 fingers on my right hand

* 2 toes missing on my left foot (hence, the reason I always
look like a human version of The Leaning Tower of Pisa when I
walk).

* A forked tongue (I'm the only person I know with one of
these and, as such, unfortunately, people cannot usually tell
when I am telling the truth or a first class lie...heck, even
I get confused sometimes).

After growing up miserably, I decided that what would help me
would be to join the school marching band and play trumpet.

But, as luck would have it, I was marching behind my brother
one day in formation (he played the BIG bass drum) and I
miscounted my steps and took one step too many. My brother
turned around and hit the bell of my horn, swelling my lip
immensely.

Now, normally, this would have caused me to lay out for about
a week as my lip healed, but my brother hit me so hard with
the drum that my lip required surgery.

And, wouldn't you know it? I ended up getting a quack for a
doctor. What should have been a minor surgical procedure
ended up being three major surgical procedures, with the end
result being that my bottom lip is now three times as large
as my top lip.

Hence, I have since developed an excessive slobbering
condition, causing many people to not be able to stand the
sight of me. Oh well, that's life, because they probably
have some disgusting thing wrong with them too, but can
manage to keep it well hidden. I, however, am not so
fortunate.

Anyway, moving along, after much humiliation after this
unfortunate accident, I was finally able to graduate high
school, after which time I tried to attend college. Well,
the other college students looked at and laughed at me like
I was some sort of alien, particularly, when I went out for
the track team.

Oh, I forgot to mention...

One Saturday, I went downtown shopping about 7:00 p.m.
When I got ready to leave, my car would not start, so I had
to walk home. I had to go through an alley, and was mugged.
They not only took my extra diapers (evil bastards), but they
also took the only money I had for the week.

As I was trying to get up after my beating, I was still dazed
and confused, and I stumbled out of the alley, only to have a
car run over my right leg. My leg was so badly mangled that
the doctors could not save it, and it was decided that
amputation would be best. I now have 1-1/2 legs, and now look
like The Leaning Tower of Lasagne when I walk.

Mark, life can be cruel to say the least, as I recently lost
my job due to discrimination. You see, I had a job driving a
school bus, but the school violated the ADA (Americans with
disabilities Act) by informing me that I could no longer drive
the school bus as it may endanger the children. Never mind
that these little pests would keep up noise on the bus every
day, and when I would report them, nothing would be done about
it.

I, unsuccessfully, tried to save my job by telling the
administration that I could drive with one leg, and that using
it for both the gas pedal and brake would be really good
therapy and exercise for it, while building it up and making
it stronger. But, for some reason, they didn't agree (I now
have a lawsuit against the school district for their horrible
behavior).

But, as you can see, as a result of losing the only source of
income I had and gainful employment, I am now financially
destitute. In fact, at this moment in history, I'm so poor,
I'm just financially des-.

So, I am very glad that you wrote to me because I know it is
fate that you have done so. As such, can you see it in your
heart to send me a few dollars each and every week for the
rest of your life? It would be, sincerely appreciated. A
good start would be about $200...each week.

Oh, I forgot about my dog, Bobo...he's going to need his
annual shots, so could you include an extra $75 with your
first payment? Bobo and I will both be so appreciative, and
I will try to see what gift I can get you for Christmas.

Oh, could you also send an extra $437.72 for Christmas
presents?

Thanks, Mark...your kind efforts will not go unnoticed, and
will be very much appreciated. Write soon...please.

~ Kenny Love