The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - April 23, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Metallic Onslaught - Friday's 9pm - 2am Eastern Time - 89.7FM
Metallic Onslaught Web Page - http://devoted.to/onslaught
WEOS Web Page - www.weos.org
Request Line: (315) 781-3897

The Last Exit for the Lost
Every Saturday Night at Midnight till 6am Sunday Morning - Eastern Time
WVBR 93.5 FM - East Hill 105.5 FM - Ithaca
And you can tune in on-line...
The Last Exit for the Lost direct page: http://www.TheLastExit.org
WVBR Web Page: http://WVBR.Com
Request Line: (607) 273-2121
E-mail Requests to: LastExit@...

Chat Room during the show:
http://pub6.bravenet.com/chat/show.php?usernum=450982834&cpv=1
_________________________________________________
If you want to be removed from this list, please just reply and let us know.
And feel free to pass this on to anyone who may find it interesting.

BANDS AND LABELS! IF YOU WANT YOUR NEWS OR SHOW DATES INCLUDED HERE - SEND
THEM ALONG!!!
_________________________________________________

Attached pics are of Just Joe sitting on the lap of Haunted by Angels' new
bass player Darrel, and Andy's new hairstyle courtesy of The Penguin...

Reviews of Last Week's Show from Fire Eater Wizard...

On The Metallic Onslaught: Jeffie was not there. Nor was Shoebox as he was
giving a performance at a show. Maury was there and was still trying to
convince everyone that he is now metal. He failed again. He brought forth
from his "bag" a strange talking doll. He kept pulling it's string and
annoying everyone with it. It Said things like "I love you", "Aren't we
having fun now?", and talked about Vern (I do not think it was referring to
the Last Exit Vern) :) It was an Ernest doll. (The character Ernest from
back in the day). Morie kept annoying everyone with this doll until Lance
brutally killed it, which greatly upset Maury. Maury and Lance got into a
fight. Maury was squashed. The show ended with Joe and Lance insulting
Maury.

On The Last Exit: It was another very busy show. There were bands there for
almost the whole night. First there was David of Lotus Project, then The
Plank Boys were on, or rather 1 member was, that being Andy. He attacked
Just Joe right off the bat and beat him in revenge for him biting one of
their members a couple weeks back. After The Plank Boys, came 2 members Of
Haunted By Angels. They were there for most of the rest of the show. Since
both The Plank Boys and Haunted By Angels sent members named Andy to the
show, Just Joe vowed to bite one of the Andy's, but hadn't decided which
one. There was a lot of beatings and abuse to go around as usual. Evan from
the band Three Monkeys Named Bob was supposed to be there as well, as that
band was performing on a show with The Plank Boys the following night.
However, Evan could not make it to the show, but called in instead for an
interview. A show dedicated to exposing us to cool local bands...Good show.

********************************************************************
Just Joe did manage to bite Andy from The Plank Boys mildly, like 8 times.
Andy held his own though. It was amusing. Andy from Haunted by Angels was
sick, so Joe just poked at him while the Penguin gave him a new hairstyle...
We debuted some of their new CD which will be out soon. The Plank Boys have
yet to get their CD's in, they have been held at customs for the last week.
We may have a big announcement at some point regarding them and the show,
but I will stay quiet about that right now.

As for this week's shows, I believe, but am not sure, that Jeffie will be
back to The Metallic Onslaught. He apparently is rather upset with them,
and isn't sure if he will be back, but has sworn to me that if he goes back,
he will be a whole new Jeffie. Whatever that is worth. Rick will not be
there, as he will be off dancing in the woods with a bunch of guys and
stuff, or was it camping... Hmmm... Shoebox will not be there, I believe
he is, um, leaving strange messages on my answering machine...

On The Last Exit, well, first BEFORE The Last Exit, go see Pretty Suicide
(www.PrettySuicide.com), Divinity Destroyed (www.DivinityDestroyed.com),
Torn from 6 (www.TornFromSix.com), and Haunted by Angels
(www.HauntedbyAngels.com) at The Haunt in Ithaca. The show starts at 6pm,
and it's only $5!! Go. Afterwards, Haunted by Angels and Divinity
Destroyed will be up to The Last Exit. I may also invite Pretty Suicide up
as they are from NYC and may not have an opportunity to come up again
anytime soon, so we will see. David from Lotus Project may also be back to
help control Joe. That was weird last week, he would speak, and Joe would
obey. Really weird. Anyway, should be an entertaining show. Up in the
interviews section on the page right now there is the last interview I
conducted with Divinity Destroyed, go check it out if you missed it cause it
was really amusing. I think you will see why this upcoming show is likely
to be rather interesting....

Also, the latest issue of our zine, Chord of Souls is out, second one so
far, and I need feedback from anyone who has picked one up. I have gotten
very little so far, and will only continue this endeavor if it seems worth
the effort...
__________________________________________________

--------- METAL UPDATE ---------
-- http://www.metalupdate.com --

The Metal Update will deliver a weekly report to your email inbox. To
sign up, go to MetalUpdate.com and click the SUBSCRIBE! link. The Metal
Update is free.

This week’s Metal Update went out to over 14,615 subscribers.

-- NEWS --

SUFFOCATION
bassist Derek Boyer (Decrepit Birth) has been added to the lineup

DECREPIT BIRTH
Risha Eryavec, who was part of the band in the mid to late 90's, has taken
over bass duties - Mike Turner will be adding his skills as second guitar
player

UNEARTHED
this new band features former Iced Earth members Gene Adam (v), Dave Abell
(b) and Mark Prator (d), along with Bill Owen (g) of Iced Earth forerunner
Purgatory

MISERY INDEX
former drummer Kevin Talley will sit behind the kit for all of the band’s
upcoming touring activities - however, Misery Index is still looking for a
drummer to fulfill future obligations

ACHERON
Stacey Connolly (Life Is Lost) has been made a permanent member

A LIFE ONCE LOST
bassist Nick Frasca has decided to leave the band to focus on other
personal achievements – his replacement is Amir Ali Mohammed Azir Ashraf
(The June Spirit)

REQUIEM AETERNAM
Alex Hernández (Immolation) has joined the band to lay down the drum
tracks for the upcoming album

OBLITERATION
due to personal reasons and an unwillingness to commit fully to
Obliteration, Jose has left the band

LION'S SHARE
guitarist Bruce Kulick (KISS, Grand Funk Railroad) recently recorded a
guest appearance for the new album

KRAZY FEST
Initial Record's annual music festival which was slated for its seventh
year this summer has been indefinitely postponed - originally scheduled to
take place May 28-30, Krazy Fest 7 will either be rescheduled later in the
Summer/Fall or not at all. . .

HELLION
lead singer Ann Boleyn will be on the starting line as a qualified entrant
in the 108th running of the Boston Marathon on April 19th

IN FLAMES
‘Soundtrack To Your Escape’ scanned 10,660 copies in the first week
securing the highest 1st week SoundScan number in the Century Family /
Nuclear Blast America history – the album landed at #145 on the Billboard
Top 200 Album Chart

NEW SIGNINGS
AFM Records: Doro
Regain Records: Samael
Eclipse Records: Scum Of The Earth
Abacus Recordings: The Abandoned Hearts Club
Liquor And Poker Music: The Hellacopters
Firebox Records: Scent Of Flesh, Grave Flowers
Galy Records: Torn Within, Disphoria, Anhkregh, Augury

-- HELP WANTED --

VOCALIST available - versitile Staten Island, NY vocalist looking to start
or join metal band - have a good clean voice and an extremely brutal death
growl - can also sing thrash - influenced by all styles of metal from
Black Sabbath to My Dying Bride to Vital Remains - have a PA and
experience/ demos – contact: mpgangemi@...

VOCALIST wanted – former members of Blood Feast and Twilight’s Eve seek
vocalist for immediate recording - rehearsals in New Jersey - sound and
direction are in the vien of: The Haunted, Arch Enemy, Exodus, Opeth, etc.
- female and male singers apply – contact: jblich@...

DRUMMER wanted - brutal old-school DeathMetal band The Cauterized seeks
drummer - must have serious double bass and blastbeat chops - style:
Morbid Angel/ Carcass/ At The Gates - based out of Hollywood, CA –
contact: alexxx_666@...
______________________________________________________________

WORM QUARTET MINI-UPDATE AND BLATANT PLUG - 4/16/04

AAAAGGGHHH!!!! I'm in a major hurry, so this is
rushed as hell, but enjoy it anyway! Especially
the verbs!

WORM QUARTET FAILS TO ROCK YPSILANTI NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
For stupid reasons that annoy me, I've been forced
to cancel my return to the Elbow Room in Ypsilanti,
MI on Sunday. I love that friggin' place and hope
to return at some point in the not-too-far future.
My apologies to anyone who mortgaged their nostrils
to go to that there show.

WORM QUARTET SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I'm out all over the damned place trying to promote
my new CD, "Faster Than a Speeding Mullet" (which
you, without even bothering to come to one of my
stupid shows, can order online for a mere $8 from
www.wormquartet.com dammit!) So come look at me!
LOOK AT ME!!!!

April 16-18 - Novi, MI

(That's THIS FRIGGIN' WEEKEND, people!)

PENGUICON 2.0

I'll be doing a couple of performances at this
sci-fi/Linux enthusiast convention along with The
Great Luke Ski, Tom Smith, and Tony Goldmark! Other
guests of honor include Neil Gaiman, Jeff Bates,
Steve Jackson, Wil Wheaton, and Jon "Maddog" Hall!

My appearances:
Friday @ 10:00 PM - "Four Musicians of the
Apocalypse" (live performance with Luke Ski, Worm
Quartet, Tony Goldmark, and Tom Smith...I'll be
premiering yet another new song with Luke here!)
Friday @ 11:00 PM - "The 'Wil's Not Here' Improv Show"
In lieu of the stand-up performance by Mr.
Wheaton, our demented musicians will transform
themselves into a well oiled machine of impromptu
madness in this all out fandom-related
improvisational smackdown!!! See them perform
their variations of improv games you know and love
from 'Whose Line', ComedySportz, Second City and
such, based on suggestions from the audience! So
come on down and help us put on one hell of a show,
and feel free to bring strange items for us to use
in 'props'!
Saturday @ 4:00 PM - "Dementia Unbound" (live
performance with Worm Quartet and Tony Goldmark...
right between concerts by Luke Ski and Tom Smith,
so come an hour early to check out Luke and stay
an hour later to see Tom, dammit!)
Saturday @ 7:00 PM - "Humor: Can it Be Learned?"
(panel appearence with me, Tony Goldmark, Rob
Balder, and Howard Taylor. Come see me try to talk
intelligently about comedy with people who are
probably far smarter than me!)

More info and reservations at www.penguicon.org

Sheraton Detroit Novi
21111 Haggerty Road
Novi, MI 48375
Phone: (248) 349-4000

---------

Thursday, May 13 - Rochester, NY

TORSOS FROM SPACE
WORM QUARTET

@ The Bug Jar
219 Monroe Avenue
Rochester, NY 14607
(585) 454-2966

11:00 PM, 18+

---------

Wilmington, NC - May 27-31

WE FEST 2004!
(More info soon!)

---------

Thursday, July 22 - Rochester, NY

TORSOS FROM SPACE
WORM QUARTET
(Again!)

@ The Bug Jar
219 Monroe Avenue
Rochester, NY 14607
(585) 454-2966

11:00 PM, 18+

ODOR NEWS
=-=-=-=-=
I don't have time to smell right now.

More news soon, dammit! Hope you all find
yourselves encased in a giant capsule of
pure niftiness!

Garnishing toddlers,
-=ShoEboX=-

--
*WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ*
Check out the offical Worm Quartet page for
WQ news, history, merchandise, and music!
http://www.wormquartet.com
*WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ*
_________________________________________________________

ROB ZOMBIE (www.robzombie.com) is working on the sequel to his House Of
1,000 Corpses horror flick. Entitled The Devil's Rejects, the new film is
expected to be in theaters later this year. Zombie has posted the following
casting news for the movie at his website: "Well, here is the first official
casting news for The Devil's Rejects. Yes, the rumors are true Ken ( Dawn Of
The Dead) Foree has signed on the play Charlie Altamont aka Captain
Spaulding's pimp brother. If that ain't enough for you horror fiends Michael
(The Hills Have Eyes) Berryman has signed to play Clevon, Charlie's dim
witted sidekick. Stay tuned for more." Zombie recently revealed that the
title The Devil's Rejects "refers to the nickname that the media has
bestowed upon our favorite band of murderers." The film's story concerns the
revenge driven brother of slain Sheriff Wydell hunting down the family with
a band of bounty hunters. All original cast members from House Of 1,000
Corpses are on board for the new film.

This year's edition of THE ROCK NEVER STOPS TOUR has been announced and will
feature VINCE NEIL, SLAUGHTER and RATT. More bands may be added to the bill.
The first confirmed show is Friday July 26th at the Hampton Beach Casino
Ballroom in New Hampshire.

HELLION lead singer ANN BOLEYN will be on the starting line as a qualified
entrant in the 108th running of the Boston Marathon today, April 19th.
Unlike most marathons, most entrants must post qualifying times to be
selected to run as an official participant in the Boston Marathon. Boleyn's
qualifying time of 3 hours and 44 minutes was accomplished at the St. George
Marathon in Utah. This will be Boleyn's 9th marathon. Boleyn also serves as
a "paceleader" (group coach) for the Los Angeles Roadrunners, the official
training group of the City Of Los Angeles Marathon. It has been a busy year
for Boleyn, whose band Hellion released the Will Not Go Quietly album in
Europe via Massacre and in Russia through AMG. Earlier this year Boleyn
graduated from UCLA with a degree in Germanic Languages with a specialty in
the ancient Viking Language of Old Norse. She is currently enrolled at the
University of West Los Angeles School of Law. When asked about her future
music plans, Ann replied, "Law school is very hard, but the information is
very important for anybody who is in the music business. Hellion has a lot
of new music and we intend to record our new album as soon as I feel
comfortable enough to focus my attention on music. We are already talking
about a July start date."

Zak Stevens is currently hard at work at Morrisound Studios with his CIRCLE
II CIRCLE bandmates on the follow-up to the debut, Watching In Silence. A
release is planned for Autumn 2004. An EP with diverse bonus material will
be made available a few months prior to the album release

According to AFM Records, DORO is currently working on her first album for
the label. On this release, Hymn Of The Last 20 Years - Doro & Warlock, will
feature 3 new songs composed specifically for this project and arranged with
the Metal Classic Night Orchestra. Special guests will also appear on this
album; U.D.O. frontman Udo Dirkschneider is rumoured to be one of them. The
release is planned for the second half of this year, but an EP will be
released at single price on August 9th.
_____________________________________________________________

Playlist for The Last Exit for the Lost: April 18, 2004
(R) = Requested

Background: Ulver "Lycantropen Themes"

Nightwish "Planet Hell"
Doro "I Rule the Ruins / Burning the WItches - Live"
WASP "The Red Room of the Rising Sun"
Lotus Project "Storm"
Textures "Swandive"
Fall of the Leafe "If Mirrors Leave Men in Crumbs"
Martyr AD "Misery Dance"
Walls of Jericho "Another Anthem for the Hopeless" (R)
Worm Quartet "Let's Make Fun of the Amish"
Crisis "Blood Burden"
Ensifirum "Sword Chant"
Divinity Destroyed "Divinity Destroyed"
Special Unit 2 "Don't Waste My Time"
Dillenger Escape Plan "The Mullet Burden" (R)
Illnath "By the Hands of Violent Winter"
Finntroll "Nattfodd"
Cadaveria "Call Me" (R)
Plank Boys "Skeleton Crew"
The Olde Dead Tree "It Can't Be!"
Pro-Pain "Left for Dead"
3 Monkeys Named Bob "Bend"
The Plankboys "Under the Influence (Over the Circumstance)"
Lotus Project "I Bleed"
The Plankboys "Torment"
Decendants "'Merican"
Epica "Feint"
Eyes of Fire "Hopeless"
Hearse "Play Without Rules"
Lotus Project "Nelumbo Lucifera"
Mercyful Fate "Evil" (R)
King Diamond "Emerencia"
NOFX "Jaw, Knee, Music"
Lotus Project "Burning Alive"
Haunted by Angels "Fallen Angel"
Pretty Suicide "User Abuser"
Torn from Six "Fallen"
Divinity Destroyed "Empty the Sky"
Haunted by Angels "Neverland / Neverland 2 (The Overture) / Autumn / Season
of Death / Burnt"
Doro "All We Are - Live"
Psyopus "The White Light"
Slipknot "Pulse of the Maggots"
Evergrey "A Touch of Blessing"
Lugosi's Morphine "Mommy's Head"
Bad Acid Trip "Strange Humans"
StereoChrist "Christ Was an Angry Man"
Devil to Pay "Angular Shapes"
Vision Divine "Through the Eyes of God"
Disillusion "Alone I Stand in Fires"
Fony "Strobe"
After Forever "Eccentric"
Killswitch Engage "When Darkness Falls"
Judas Priest "Heart of a Lion"
Doro "Fur Immer - Live"
____________________________________________

SHOW LISTINGS

Friday, April 23, 7pm
The Pushrods (Elmira punk, http://www.pushrodsrock.com), Stuck In Motion
(Ithaca
rock, www.freewebs.com/stuckinmotion), Los Pepiniyoz (Puerto Rican Punk),
The
Ghost Of Dan Howard (Ithaca ska punk).
See Spot Community Artspace, 108 The Commons. 277-7560. $5.

Sat, April 24: Haunted by Angels, Torn from 6, Pretty Suicide, and Divinity
Destroyed at The Haunt, Ithaca

Sat, April 24: Burnt By The Sun, If Hope Dies, FireBorn, Corpus Dei, and
Machina Infernus at Palmeri’s, 1514 Pine Ave., Niagara Falls

Sat, April 24: Cave In, Clearmotive, and 27 at The Xtreme Wheels Indoor
Skate Park, 356 Hertel Avenue, Buffalo (716-871-9361........$7 door
only.......All Ages)

Sat Apr 24 a Go-Man-Go production presents "the PushRods" w/ Malice in
Underland and Dog Fashion Disco @ Brownies in Herkimer, NY 18+ 9 PM

Wed, April 28: Everytime I Die, Throwdown, Walls of Jericho, and 36
Crazyfists at The Water Street Music Hall, Rochester

Thurs, April 29: The Model Sons, The Loved Ones, and Medling Kids at The Bug
Jar, Rochester

Fri, April 30: Superjoint Ritual, Six Feet Under, Zeke, and The Heavils at
Infinity, Williamsville

Fri, April 30: Haunted by Angels at Oak’s Tavern, Corning

Fri Apr 30
Timur Lenk (metal, ex-Knives!),
Black Label (crust),
The Ghost Of Dan Howard (ska punk),
The Splendors (rock),
We Are The Arm (rock).
8pm. $5. See Spot 277-7560

Sat, May 1: Project 86 at The Xtreem Wheels Indoor Skate Park, Buffalo

Sat, May 1: Superjoint Ritual, The Heavils, Thine Eyes Bleed, and Zeke at
The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Fri. May 7: Superdrive and G-Soul (Gargantua Soul) at The Haunt, Ithaca

Fri, May 7: Fallguy, Inherence, 5 Mile Line, and a Day without Rain at The
Bug Jar, Rochester

Sat, May 8: The PushRods and Plan 607 at Monty's Krown Lounge, Rochester -
9PM

Sat May 8
Dig Shovel Dig (thrash-wave attack)
Flowers And Cops (NJ, fast melodic punk)
Atomic Forces (Ithaca Rock)
Gertie Fox (LA, Indie/twangy/dancy)
Death By Bowie (Ithaca rock)
7pm $5 @ See Spot 277-7560

Sat, May 8: Bleeding Through, Comeback Kid, and Between The Buried And Me at
The Xtreme Wheels Indoor Skate Park, 356 Hertel Avenue, Buffalo
(716-871-9361........$10/10.......All Ages)

Mon, May 10: Clutch at The Haunt, Ithaca

Wed, May 12: Jagermeister Music Tour – Prong, Dog Fashion Disco, All That
Remains, Beyond The Embrace, and Stemm at Palmeri’s, 1514 Pine Avenue,
Niagara Falls (716-282-9726......$10/13......All Ages)

Thurs, May 13: The PushRods and Plan 607 at The Haunt, Ithaca

Thurs, May 13: Worm Quartet and Torsos from Space at The Bug Jar, Rochester

Sat. May 15th:The County Proper Band (featuring members of Never The
Sunshine) at West's Lounge 9:30pm, Mansfield PA

Tue, May 18: Life of Agony, Candiria, 7N7, and Camel Clutch at The Penny
Arcade, Rochester

Sat, May 22: Haunted by Angels, Enertia, Inherence, and Thoughts Lost at The
Haunt, Ithaca

Fri, May 28 The PushRods and Torn from 6 at The Haunt, Ithaca

Fri, May 28: Lacuna Coil, POD, Blindside, and Hazen Street at The ESL Sports
Center, Rochester

Wed, June 9: Stretch Armstrong, Terror, Between the Buried and Me, and Out
to Win at The Xtreem Wheels Indoor Skate Park, Buffalo

Thurs, July 22: Worm Quartet and Torsos from Space at The Bug Jar, Rochester
_________________________________________________

TOP STORIES FROM LAST WEEK...

* Louis Paul Kadlecek, 21, who had never even been in an airplane
before, broke into a hangar at an airport near Lake Jackson, Tex.,
on February 29, and, using trial-and-error, got a Cessna 172
airborne for about a mile, intending to fly to Mexico, before
slamming into power lines. Although the crash left the plane a total
loss, Kadlecek climbed out and walked home, but sheriff's deputies,
based on witnesses' descriptions, arrested him the next day. One
Brazoria County aviation official estimated that stunt pilots might
survive an incident like that one time in 1,000. Said another, "This
guy used up all the luck he's ever going to have."
________________________________________________________

* In a 2003 issue of the American Journal of Roentgenology, two
Seattle, Wash., radiologists described a 35-year-old man with
severe abdominal pain but normal vital signs, who was found to
have "multiple" heads from Barbie dolls lodged in his small bowel,
which he attributed to his pursuit of the pleasurable anal sensation
he gets from excreting them. After a strait-laced description of
how doll heads show up different than other objects on x-rays, the
authors advised radiologists to "keep in mind that human
imagination may not follow clinical algorithms."
_______________________________________________________

* On the morning of July 7, 2001, a vandal tossed detergent into
the fountain in Canal Park in Duluth, Minn., producing a massive,
continuing mountain of bubbles. About four hours later, Kathy J.
Kelly, walking by the still-foamy mound, failed to steer clear-
enough, fell on the soap-slippery sidewalk, and suffered several
injuries including, eventually, gangrene. She sued the city for not
having cleaned the fountain or roped off the area. In March 2004, a
jury ruled in her favor, finding that 30 percent of the fault was hers
for getting too close but that 70 percent was the city's. (Jurors
were not allowed to assess the fault of the original vandal.)
____________________________________________________

* In February, the chief justice of Singapore, Yong Pung How, 77,
rejected attempts at leniency by a 25-year-old ex-policeman who
had argued that his arrest for receiving oral sex (as a "crime against
nature") was an anachronism. In upholding the law as a salutary
part of Asian culture, Justice Yong sentenced the man to 12 months
in jail, pointing out, "There are countries where you can go and
suck away for all you are worth," "but this is Asia."
__________________________________________________________

* Undignified Deaths: An 18-year-old man drowned near Eudora,
Ark., in December, when the he accidentally fell into a pit of water
while attempting to drown his pit bull (which he thought was too
old and docile), and the man's father also drowned when he jumped
in to save his son. (The dog survived.) And when a construction
trench collapsed in New York City in December, a worker was
buried up to his neck, and emergency crews were summoned, but
before they could arrive, a co-worker manning a backhoe tried to
dig him out, but accidentally decapitated him.
______________________________________________________

+-------------- Bizarre Newspaper Headlines ---------------+

STRIP CLUBS SHOCK - Magistrates May Act On Indecent Shows
(Daily Mirror).

AUDIENCE TRIED TO SPOIL PLAY - But St. Chad's Players
Succeeded (Sunderland Echo).

A FARMER'S WIFE IS BEST SHOT (Glasgow Evening Citizen).

NUDIST NABBED - Unclothed Man Who Admits Brandishing Pistol
Is Charged With Carrying Concealed Weapon (Providence Jour-
nal).

MAGNATE USED TO REMOVE NAIL IN STOMACH (Los Angeles Times).

PUBLIC HEALTH PROBLEM - Special Committee To Sit On Bed Bug
(Liverpool Echo).

PIPELINE RAPTURED (Ghanaian Times).

UNDERTAKER'S FAILURE - Let Down By Customers (Yorkshire
paper).

CHANNEL SWIM ATTEMPT - Boston Girl's Arrival in Liverpool
(Liverpool Echo).

POLICE FOUND SAFE UNDER BLANKET (Gloucestershire Echo).
_________________________________________________________

------------ Too Bad His Getaway Wasn't As Clean -----------

SHEFFIELD, England - Colin Sadd is most likely one of the
nicest car thieves around, but he is headed to the slammer
again. Sadd was sentenced to six years in prison after
admitting to stealing five cars and claiming responsibility
for 31 other thefts. Sadd's tricks include dressing up in a
suit and going to a car dealer for a test drive. The car
isn't returned, but is abandoned after being spotlessly
cleaned. "He looked after the cars he stole better than me,"
said his wife, Mary. "He only takes brand new vehicles,
drives them around for a couple of hours, then he cleans
them inside and out. He will even buy a tin of polish to
give them an extra sparkle and sometimes takes them to a car
wash to get them extra clean." Psychiatrists have diagnosed
Sadd with a compulsive disorder, and he was described by a
judge in a previous case as "the man you would most want to
steal your car.
____________________________________________________

------------ Not the Kick He Was Hoping to Get -------------

The Internet can be a great place for those with strange
desires to have all their fantasies come true. One such
desire is that of a "rape fantasy." However, if you're going
to set up a dream rape with a willing participant through a
rape fantasy chat room, be sure you break into the right
apartment to act out the scenario. When Michael Todd Howard,
35, attacked the 25-year-old woman he found in the apartment
he entered last September, she fought back with all her
strength, including issuing a strong kick where it hurts.
His rape attempt ended there and he asked her what name she
used in the chat room. It was then he learned she had never
visited a chat room and didn't even own a computer. Michael
is now looking at a year in prison.
_____________________________________________________

---------------- Chicken - Have It Your Way ----------------

MIAMI - A man in a chicken costume who follows typed comm-
ands is sweeping the Internet as part of a Burger King
advertising campaign. The actor that appears, complete with
a garter belt, responds to hundreds of typed commands, but
stops short of pornography. However, the chicken will obey
a command to pee on the couch at the subservientchicken.com
site. The chicken also responds to commands to riverdance,
moonwalk, somersault and bullfight. The soundless site looks
like one of many Web cam pornography sites where a user can
type in a command and a person on the screen will follow it.
However, ask the chicken to do a lewd act and it walks up to
the camera and wags a scolding finger. "The site is geared
to reach out to the 20- and 30-year-olds that are difficult
to reach with traditional advertising," said Blake Lewis, a
spokesman for the Miami-based chain. There is little refer-
ence to Burger King, apart from a button to click for infor-
mation on the BK Tendercrisp sandwich.
___________________________________________________

------- Cookies Aren't The Only Treats For This Tin --------

LONDON - At first glance it's just your average, innocent
cookie tin. But upon closer inspection, you'll notice an
image that's not so clean - a hidden drawing of two dogs
having sex in the grass. Unaware that an angry employee
had hidden sexually explicit images in the scene of a 20th
century illustration of a genteel picnic, biscuit makers
Huntley & Palmers sold thousands of these cookie tins. The
artist, who was not identified, had been fired from the
cookie company and decided to get back at his employers with
this final project. He included the small picture of the
canines in the act as well as a pair of naked lovers. The
dirty tins have now become collectors' items and Lawrences
Auctioneers in Somerset, England, hopes that collectors bid
250 pounds ($446) when one of the tins goes on sale next
Friday.
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* As the Romanian government hurries to improve law-
enforcement sophistication in its campaign for European Union
membership, villagers in the Transylvania region are resisting police
crackdowns on their traditional practice of vampire killings,
according to a March Knight Ridder News Service report.
Vampires (unlike Hollywood conventions using crosses and garlic)
are just people who go bad upon death and cause continuing grief
to family members unless they are re-killed. The body is dug up;
the heart is removed with a curved sickle and burned (but it will
likely squeak like a mouse and try to escape unless held down); and
the ashes are mixed with water and drunk. Villagers are outraged
that some may face criminal charges for disturbing the dead, which
carries a three-year prison sentence.
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From The Leaf-Chronicle, Clarksville, Tenn., November 6,
2003, reporting the aborted robbery of a convenience store by a
man who pulled a knife and demanded money after he had already
given the clerk his credit card to pay for a purchase: "The
complainant [clerk] looked at the suspect like he was crazy . . . the
suspect quickly signed the sales receipt and left."
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* In a December profile, the Washington Post examined the breezy
American history curriculum being sold to schools by Presidential
brother Neil Bush (more in the news lately for his messy divorce).
The course's premise is that future "hunter-gatherers" (i.e.,
rambunctious boys) don't have the patience to read and should be
taught by music, graphics, and other techniques. For instance, the
Constitutional Convention of 1787 is taught in a rap song, "It was
55 delegates from 12 states / Took one hot Philadelphia summer to
create / A perfect document for their imperfect times / Franklin,
Madison, Washington a lot of the cats / Who used to be in the
Continental Congress way back."
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The Route to Real Communication
11-Apr-2004
http://www.unknowncountry.com/news/?id=3698

One of the main problems in the world is that different groups of humans
have trouble communicating with one another. Now researchers say we'd be
better off if we behaved more like our close relatives, the chimpanzees.
Scientists at the Zoological Society of London are looking for volunteers
who are willing to test out this theory by acting like chimps in their work
and home lives. They will be told to wave their arms, brandish objects to
make themselves appear large and to assert authority over others, and bond
with their groups by grooming each other.
The researchers think these actions can resolve workplace conflicts, help
people express their emotions and strengthen human bonds. Instead of
complaining about your boss to your fellow workers, show them how you feel
by baring your teeth or using submissive body language such as lowering your
head and crouching. A simple greeting should be replaced with a throaty "huh
huh huh" pant.

Psychologist Professor Cary Cooper says, "What I love about this as a
concept is that people don't communicate enough to one another. What they
communicate is words, not feelings, so this kind of thing would give them
access to their emotions…Animals are more tactile and supportive, and very
much a community. Unfortunately the workplace is seeing less of that these
days."
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This is an attempt to get people a little more into what's going on in the
music scene these days. As well as to keep people at least a little
informed about what is going on at our weekly broadcasts of chaos.
Please feel free to send all comments, suggestions, corrections, additions,
and whatever else that might help make this more useful.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might find it
interesting. Bands wanting to submit material for airplay can do so by
sending it to Aethyric Productions, Po Box 224, Ovid, Ny 14521-0224.

And e-mail us your show dates to add to the list above...

Some parts of this email were cleaned by emailStripper, available for free
from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm
Some Quotes from Ruminations (ruminations-subscribe@...)

Some stories taken from News of the Weird (www.NewsoftheWeird.com) and
Bizarre News (www.bizarrenews.com). Go to their sites to subscribe to their
weekly e-mails filled with such real news stories... Other stories from
http://www.ananova.com. Also, some parody stories have come from
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/, http://theonion.com/, and
http://www.infernalcombustion.com/. Other sources noted where applicable...