The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - May 14, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Metallic Onslaught - Friday's 9pm - 2am Eastern Time - 89.7FM
Metallic Onslaught Web Page - http://devoted.to/onslaught
WEOS Web Page - www.weos.org
Request Line: (315) 781-3897

The Last Exit for the Lost
Every Saturday Night at Midnight till 6am Sunday Morning - Eastern Time
WVBR 93.5 FM - East Hill 105.5 FM - Ithaca
And you can tune in on-line...
The Last Exit for the Lost direct page: http://www.TheLastExit.org
WVBR Web Page: http://WVBR.Com
Request Line: (607) 273-2121
E-mail Requests to: LastExit@...

Chat Room during the show:
http://pub6.bravenet.com/chat/show.php?usernum=450982834&cpv=1
_________________________________________________
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THEM ALONG!!!
_________________________________________________

The attached pic is of Jeffie on The Metallic Onslaught celebrating No Pants
Day with Lance. And now the recap from Fire Eater Wizard...

On The Metallic Onslaught: Shoebox and Maury were both absent again. When
Jeffie arrived he said he had some bad news concerning Maury. According to
Jeffie, Maury's Mom said that Maury is grounded indefinitely, so, we will
have to wait and see if we ever hear from Maury again. Since Friday was that
most important of all holidays -- at least to Jeffie! -- National No Pants
Day, Jeffie came to the show wearing no pants. However, this year there was
a different twist. He was wearing a blue dress and a blonde wig. In this
get-up he gave Joe a lap dance and a kiss on the head. All of this was
Jeffie's idea of a wedding present for Joe who was getting married the
following day--Saturday. BTW, congratulations Joe! (Oh, what is happening to
our wild Metal MO crew!? First we learn that one of them (Shoebox) will soon
become a father, and now another one has "settled down"? Is domesticity
setting in or what?!) :) For some strange reason Joe was not at all pleased
with Jeffie's wedding gift (some people can be so ungrateful, can't they, go
figure!) :) Joe attacked Jeffie and they brawled. After midnight when it was
no longer No Pants Day, the rest of the MO gang convinced Jeffie to finally
put his pants on. The band Self Made Hate dropped by for a surprise visit
and interview. They brought some of their brand new music with them, 3 songs
which we got to hear. They were heavy and cool. The show ended an hour early
because of Joe's big day ahead. Next week Joe will not be there (I assume
probably because of more wedding related matters) :) So, Jeffie claimed that
he will be in charge. We will have to wait to see how that goes...

On The Last Exit: It was quite a busy show. First up the band The Witching
were on for an interview and we got to hear some new songs from them. They
rock! After they left, it was quiet for a while, but then a bunch of people
showed up, Just Joe, The Yeti, The Enforcer, Gorgar, David from Lotus
Project, Evan from the band 3 Monkeys Named Bob... Some of these people
(mainly Evan and Ian (The Yeti) were admittedly very intoxicated--especially
Ian, so this made for some interesting and lively entertainment). Someone
sprayed Ian with a hose, and he took the hose and tried to spray them back,
but instead only wound up spraying himself even more. He was soaked. Then he
got on the mic and ranted for quite a bit about how wet he was, how drunk he
was, and what bad shape he was going to be in the next day. He said he was
very sick and needed to go home right away. Just Joe had to drive Ian and
Evan home. It was all very funny. After Just Joe returned from his chauffeur
duties, he was being his usual annoying self, and David had left (he is the
only one who can control Just Joe, for some weird reason). So Just Joe got a
long and severe beat down with a steel chair. This beat down had many very
impressive sounding brutal chair shots! They kept thinking that they had
finally killed him, but he kept reviving and so the beating would start
again. They never did manage to completely kill him despite all best efforts
but he had a real number done on him! And, there was a very weird occurrence
in the middle of the show when the power went out for a couple minutes. No
one new what caused this. Gorgar (who was on his way in to the show when it
happened) said that there was a big bright flash of light in the sky. Who
knows? All I can say is that I can attest to the fact that it sounded really
weird over the air not like dead air, but all kinda like wavering garbled
distortion. It was really strange. And, also, the chat room started acting
up around that same time...Coincidence? Who Knows? So, a rather crowded and
strange show. Very entertaining!

********************************************************************
Ok, some info first, The Witching brought us two new songs, which weren't
final mixes, but which were damned cool. Info on how to get them will be on
www.TheWitching.com when they are done. And they will be playing THIS
Saturday at The Haunt, doing an early show. Lotus Project do not have a
site yet, but are working on it. Meanwhile you can check out their songs
and such at http://ping.cs.man.ac.uk/~lotus/. 3 Monkeys Named Bob will be
departing the area, or at least Evan will be at the end of this month. He
is the only monkey that has been living here anyways. They will be back to
play shows though, and you can check out their page at www.3MNB.tk. And
yeah, something strange happened with the power during the show, we lost it
for I think about a minute, and no idea why. And yes, poor Ian was
traumatized, yet again, this time it was the Enforcer and a hose, which
became Ian's mortal enemy. And Joe can take a mean chair shot. I really
wasn't trying to kill him, I was just trying to temporarily disable him.

As for The Onslaught, Jeffie in a dress is freakin' scary. Joe is on his
honeymoon, so he asked me to go do the show this week. Rick will be absent
as well, although I know not why. Perhaps he too went on Joe's honeymoon?
As far as Jeffie, well he insists he will be there, so we will have to see
how that goes, I usually don't tolerate him very long as my past visits to
MO land have shown. And since he is my clone, I do have some influence over
him. On a good note, though, Lance will be there. Shoebox SHOULD be there.
I know, this means nothing. This will be an unusual Metallic Onslaught...

As for The Last Exit, well, it will be May 15th, well, 16th when we actually
are on, but as long time listeners may know, that will be the date that we
tried to end the world 2 years ago. It marks the first ever appearance of
Shoebox of Worm Quartet as well. Anyway, not sure how we will remember
that, but I'm sure we will come up with something...

Oh, and last night I saw Plan 607 and The Pushrods at The Haunt, and damn
did they both rock!! They should also both be up the 29th of this month,
and the 22nd we are looking to have up Enertia and Haunted by Angels...
_________________________________________________

As I struggled both with the irony and the seemingly
impenetrable plastic packaging surrounding my
new army knife, I thought that, "Man, for being
neutral, those Swiss are a cruel, sadistic lot."

(Ryan Carter)
_________________________________________________

--------- METAL UPDATE ---------
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The Metal Update will deliver a weekly report to your email inbox. To
sign up, go to MetalUpdate.com and click the SUBSCRIBE! link. The Metal
Update is free.

This week’s Metal Update went out to over 14,705
subscribers.

-- NEWS --

CANNIBAL CORPSE
guitarist Jack Owen has left the group as his “heart just wasn’t in it
anymore” – the band is currently teaching another guitarist the set list
for the ‘Wretched Spawn’ tour

GORGOROTH
Frost will not replace drummer Kvitrafn as originally intended as his
dedication to 1349 and Satyricon proved to be a conflict - vocalist Gaahl
has been sentenced to 18 months in a prison for charges stemming from an
incident in which he allegedly assaulted a man

NUCLEAR ASSAULT
guitarist Scott Harrington (Minus, Aimed Aggression) has been added to the
lineup rounded out by original members John Connelly (v), Danny Lilker (b)
and Glenn Evans (d)

DENATA
the band has called it quits due to “lack of inspiration”

PLANET X
guitarist T.J. Helmerich has replaced Tony MacAlpine

TRANSPORT LEAGUE
guitarist Dan J has left the band due to personal and economical problems
– the search for a suitable replacement is underway

BEYOND THE EMBRACE
Chris Parlon (Marazine) has been recruited to take over on bass guitar

HEAVENLY
Maxence Pilo, Pierre-Emmanuel Pelisson and Frédéric Leclercq have left the
band due to musical differences and are in the process of starting a new
project

EVOKEN
the band is in the studio recording their new album with new keyboardist
Denny Hahn - John Paradiso will be holding down bass duties as the band
has parted ways with Steve

BEHEADED
vocalist Melchior Borg has been added to the lineup in time for the
recording of ‘Ominous Bloodline’

SEXDIGITAL
the band has completed its lineup with addition Berklee graduate Annemarie
on guitar

THE DARKNESS
the Brits have reportedly enlisted Robert "Mutt" Lange (AC/DC, Def Leppard)
to produce their next album

MACHINE HEAD
‘Through The Ashes Of Empires’ entered the Billboard Album Chart at 88,
selling over 11,000 copies its first week

NEW SIGNINGS
Metal Blade: Soilent Green
Century Media: Napalm Death
Unique Leader: Beheaded
Trustkill Records: Terror
Conquer Records: Supreme Lord
Animate Records: Purgatory
Demolition Records: David Lee Roth, Twisted Sister
Listenable Records: Anorexia Nervosa, Jigsore Terror, Incantation (Europe)

-- HELP WANTED --

DRUMMER wanted - Circle of Dead Children seeks a drummer to fill in for a
few months while Mike Bartek recovers from wrist surgery scheduled in June
– contact: newmedia@...

GUITARIST wanted - true metal band with label support, contacts, merch,
songs & rehearsal space south of Pittsburgh, PA needs shredding guitarist/
writer/ performer willing to rehearse a couple nights a week, record &
tour - influences: Malmsteen, Vivian era Dio, LaRoque, Rhodes, Maiden,
Ryche, Rainbow, Iced, Fates, Priest, W.A.S.P. - must have cool look/ image
& be open minded enough to go as sick & theatrical as need be – contact:
jmyers@...

VOCALIST wanted – Obliteration still seeks vocalist - interested parties
should learn "Blinded by Fear" by At the Gates and most of the songs on
our demo which can be downloaded on our website - recordings, compilation
appearances and shows will commence shortly - pro attitude is mandatory –
contact: Ceremonium@...

VOCALIST available - NY extreme metal vocalist relocating to Florida
mid-summer - seeking musicians (g, b, d, k) to start black metal outfit in
the vein of Thorns, Emperor, Dimmu, 1349, old Thyrane - also a concert
promoter/ band manager looking for Florida extreme bands to work with on
bringing the cold to the south – contact: Kaosmetal@...
_____________________________________________________________

News from GorGar

HELIX READY FOR TAKE OFF:
By Mitch Lafon.
It's been thirty years that the kids have all been shakin' to the heavy
metal love of Canada's premiere rock band, Helix, and if lead vocalist Brian
Vollmer gets his way the band will keep runnin' wild far into the 21st
century and it all begins with the release of their new album, Rockin' In My
Outer Space.
"When people think of Helix, they think big drum sound and big everything.
It's stadium rock and I don't care if it's in fashion anymore. I just try to
write good songs and when I get enough I go from there," begins the singer.
"This album is about having a positive attitude in life. They're just fun
songs with no real deep meaning and a lot of them are about my life and my
viewpoint."
Like most bands that have been around for more than a decade, Helix has
undergone many necessary line-up changes, but as Vollmer observes, "a
journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. I try not to lose sight of
that on any given day because it's not always about the big gig, the big
deal or the big song. A lot about staying in the music business for thirty
years has to do with dealing with the mundane and doing business you don't
really want to do and dealing with people you don't really want to deal
with. These are the 'good old days', at least for me, I can pick and choose
the gigs I want to do and I can record the way I want to record. My wife and
I run Helix and to keep going at the level we're at – it's like being in the
playoffs all the time. We get no spare time. We're working seven days a week
and it can be stressful at times, but we get up at five or six in the
morning and go all day long to keep this band going."
As for the future, the release of Rockin' In My Outer Space is only the
first step to a busy 2004. "There will be a 30th anniversary album coming
out right after this new studio album," says Vollmer. "It'll be a greatest
hits plus unreleased tracks and it's called Never Trust Anyone Over Thirty.
I'm also putting together a history of Helix DVD with incredible footage of
Traci Lords, Robin Williams and all sorts of people and it's called Three
Decades Of Helix: No Rest For The Wicked. All will be available from
www.planethelix.com and finally there's the 30th anniversary show on July
17th at the Sanderson Centre in Brantford, Ontario."

KIX - BLOWN FUSE REPAIRED:
By Mitch Lafon.
Former KIX frontman, Steve Whiteman, checked in with BW&BK to talk about
this fall's slate of KIX reunion shows and his new album, Skin to Skin.
"Well, it's still an un-doable thing because of Donnie," he says of the
reunion shows. "We call this 4/5th of KIX. It's been nine years since we've
done a show together and the demand for the band is there. The money is
stupid and we'd be fools not to cash in." However, don't expect to see the
band in the studio or on the next Poison tour anytime soon. "There are no
plans for KIX," cautions the singer. "My priority is Funny Money and I'm
more interested in creating new music and performing with my band. I don't
know how to explain KIX other than it's a hoot to go up and play with those
guys once in awhile, but it isn't something I want to do on a long term
basis."
When asked if he'd like to see Donnie Purnell join the reunion, Whiteman
offers the following, "Donnie has nothing, but contempt for me and the rest
of the guys. He has no desire to be involved, but if he called me tomorrow
and said 'it's all water under the bridge' I'd have no problem working with
him, but I don't know about the rest of the guys. Donnie likes to take
control and I think they would fear that he'd take the fun out of it."
Don't expect to see or hear 'the fun' on DVD or CD anytime soon as Steve
explains, "I know that nobody can stop us from performing, but there would
be some legal matters if we tried to release it."
Apart from the KIX shows, Steve has been busy with his band Funny Money and
promoting their new release. "I'm excited about Skin To Skin," says the
singer. "It's the best album we've done and if you're a KIX fan, you're a
Funny Money fan. My whole premise for writing is to have music that's fun
and not preachy. I grew up with Aerosmith, AC/DC and the Stones and I'm all
about 'hey, leave your problems at the door, forget reality and let's have
some fun.'"
For more visit: www.funnymoneyband.com.

THE DARKNESS SNARE MUTT LANGE!:
From UK music journal NME - boy, did this one take me by surprise!
The Darkness have recruited legendary producer Robert "Mutt" Lange to
produce the follow-up to their mega-selling debut CD, Permission to Land,
according to NME.com.
Lange, who is married to country/pop superstar Shania Twain, has previously
produced a number of classic rock albums from such artists as AC/DC, Def
Leppard, Bryan Adams and Foreigner.
- Now this is a real shocker - Mutt's returning to rock n roll producing and
it's The Darkness that have secured him! Wow, all I can say is good luck to
The Darkness! I remain a fan of their music, but still think the singer
needs major surgery! Perhaps Mutt can tame him long enough to prove that the
band aren't just taking the piss. It looks like the guys won't be known as
one album wonders and the bottom line is the fact that this is a huge vote
of confidence in the band by their record label, as Mutt does not come
cheaply!
___________________________________________

KING SNYDER NEWS

A VIDEO CREW WILL BE FILMING FOR MTV'S HEADBANGER'S BALL TONIGHT, MAY 14TH
AT NEW CHEERS PUB IN BINGHAMTON, NY!!! THAT'S RIGHT... AT TONIGHT'S SHOW
FEATURING PRONG, DOG FASHION DISCO, KING SNYDER, ALL THAT REMAINS, BEYOND
THE EMBRACE AND MORE, A PROFESSIONAL VIDEO CREW WILL BE SHOOTING FOOTAGE FOR
MTV'S HEADBANGERS BALL. DON'T MISS THIS ONE TIME OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE YOUR
FACE IN AN MTV MUSIC VIDEO. WE WANT EVERYONE THERE TO MAKE VIDEO HISTORY AT
ONE OF THE BADDEST ROCK SHOWS THIS AREA'S EVER SEEN. THIS IS ALSO KING
SNYDER'S FIRST SHOW BACK FROM OUR WINTER BREAK AND WE WANT TO PARTY HARD
WITH EVERYONE WE'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW THROUGHOUT THE YEARS. PLEASE BE THERE AND
SHARE THIS AWESOME EVENT WITH ALL OF US!!!

HERE'S THE DETAILS:

DATE: Friday, May 14th
TIME: 7:00PM – 2:00AM
LOCATION: New Cheers Pub - 81 Clinton St. in Binghamton, NY
ADMISSION: $8 / Ages 18+
BANDS: PRONG, DOG FASHION DISCO, KING SNYDER
ALL THAT REMAINS, BEYOND THE EMBRACE
______________________________________________

For Immediate Release:

Screaming Ferret Wreckords Unveils Plans to Release New ANVIL Studio Effort
and Several Key Catalogue Titles This Summer

Over the past few years, Screaming Ferret Wreckords, LLC has aligned itself
with budding new artists, as well as a selection of traditional metal bands
in an effort to reintroduce lost classics to the audience of the New
Millennium. The label is now proud to present a campaign to introduce
Toronto, Ontario legends ANVIL to the new generation of metal fans. The
campaign includes the domestic reissue of several catalogue titles (some of
which are either out of print or never before available in the US), as well
as the brand new studio album Back To Basics.

For over 2 decades, ANVIL has been a band that firmly understood that Metal
should not be taken completely seriously. The band’s brand of anthemic
metal fuses intense, piercing metal with witty social sarcasm to create a
unique brand of music rarely seen and never equaled. Back To Basics,
produced by renowned Canadian metal mastermind Pierre Rémillard (who had
produced 2 previous Anvil albums, as well as 4 from Cryptopsy, and titles
from Gorguts, Quo Vadis, and Kataklysm) is described by frontman/guitarist
Steven “Lips” Kudlow as “a great pounding feel, like Accept meets Ozzy's
Bark At the Moon.”

The tracklisting includes:

Fuel For the Fire Can't
Catch Me (When My Pants Are Down)
Keep It Up Go
Away
Song of Pain Bottom
Feeder
You Get What You Pay For Cruel World
The Chainsaw Fast
Driver

The Back To Basics cover art available for viewing here:
http://www.geocities.com/tgalloca/basics_big.htm

Screaming Ferret Wreckords will soon be releasing seven classic ANVIL
albums; discs that defined and secured the band’s status in the true heavy
metal elite. Titles include three currently out-of-print releases: 1987’s
Strength Of Steel (which featured such classics as “Concrete Jungle”,
“Straight Between The Eyes”, and “Mad Dog”, the song that yielded a quite
humorous video that received recurrent airplay on MTV’s original Headbangers
Ball program), 1988’s Pound For Pound (featuring “Blood On The Ice” and “Toe
Jam”), 1989’s Past & Present Live (a brilliant live set capturing such
seminal ANVIL anthems as “Forged In Fire”, “Metal on Metal”, “March of the
Crabs”, and “Mothra”). SFW is also releasing a number of titles that never
received a proper United States release, including 1991’s Worth The Weight,
2001’s Plenty Of Power, 2002’s Still Going Strong, and the special 1999
Anthology of Anvil, the perfect introductory piece to the manic, semi-insane
world of ANVIL.

Lips is shocked and thrilled with this development in the band’s career:

“I can't believe after a quarter of a century we will finally be released to
the unsuspecting American audience. I've never understood after all these
years why Anvil has done so little in the United States in the way of
getting our recordings released, as well as touring. It is a true tragedy if
not a crime! For those people who have never heard of us, it might be a
surprise to find out we've been recording music before the existence of what
was once called Heavy Metal, and to be more exact NWBHM (New Wave of British
Heavy Metal). Our first album came out in 81, however all the tracks on it
were written over a long period of time, some dating back as far as 73 or
74! This new opportunity to release new and back catalog would not have come
true if it weren't for the bravery and dedication to true metal by Screaming
Ferret Wreckords. We have been pleasing European audiences for years and
hope with all our might that we can do the same in America.”

Anvil is soon embarking on a two-month European tour and plan to perform
North American shows over the summer. The first date booked is the Gates of
Hell 2004 Festival on July 24th at the FunHaus in Toronto, Ontario alongside
such Canadian metal legends as Razor and Exciter.

Anvil joins a proud group of classic metal bands, like Nuclear Assault and
Meliah Rage, who have experienced rejuvenation and renewed interest through
the work and partnership with Screaming Ferret Wreckords, LLC, an
organization designed to further expose new talent and to introduce
groundbreaking classics to a new audience.

www.anvilmetal.tk
www.screamingferret.com
___________________________________________________

For Immediate Release:

MELIAH RAGE Track Featured on Upcoming Episode of FOX TV’s ‘The Shield’

Boston’s reformed metal heroes MELIAH RAGE is laying the groundwork to make
2004 truly a landmark year for the band. While putting the finishing
touches on their comeback studio album Barely Human (to be released through
Screaming Ferret Wreckords/Escapi Music during the summer) and coordinating
plans for a major North American tour, the band secured a deal with FOX TV
to have music from the forthcoming album’s title track appear in an upcoming
episode of the hit series The Shield.

On June 8th, “Barely Human” will be spotlighted in a critical scene in
Episode #314 “The Barn” involving one of the show’s detectives and a
gasoline truck. The Shield stars Michael Chiklis (winner of the 2002 Emmy
for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series), Walton Goggins, and CCH
Pounder. More information on the show can be found at the following
location: http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/originals/the_shield/

MELIAH RAGE’s video for “Barely Human”, which was filmed on the set of the
horror film God Of Vampires, is currently available for download on the
Screaming Ferret Wreckords website:
http://www.screamingferret.com/screamingpages/audio-video.php. An MP3 of
the new song “Hate Machine” is available here:
http://www.screamingferret.com/sfw_audio/meliahrage_av/Meliah_Rage_Hate_Mach
ine.mp3

MELIAH RAGE’s Unfinished Business, featuring Godsmack’s Sully Erna, is
currently available at www.screamingferret.com, the source for all official
MELIAH RAGE merchandise.

Stay tuned to www.screamingferret.com and www.meliahrage.com for additional
developments in the return of MELIAH RAGE.
____________________________________________________

"If the neighbor's kid jumped off a bridge,
would you jump, too?!" my Dad asked me once.
"What if that same kid was actually thrown
from the bridge in apparent retaliation
for driving his car across my lawn? Is
there any chance you'd still jump, then?
'Cause that would resolve a couple of issues."

(B.V. Evitt)
____________________________________________________

Playlist for The Last Exit for the Lost: May 9, 2004
(R) = Requested

Background: Fragmented "Knowledge of War"

Crisis "Omen / Waking the Dead"
Ignitor "The Last King Tiger"
The Witching "It's All the Same"
The Witching "Ride"
Elvenking "Pathfinders"
Torch Bearer "Sown are the Seeds of Death"
The Old Dead Tree "We Cry as One"
inRed "Ressurect to Die"
EdGuy "Mysteria"
Pretty Suicide "Picaboo Street"
Beyond the Embrace "Ashes / Weak and the Wounded"
Cradle of Filth "Hell Awaits" (R)
Slayer "Raining Blood - Live"
The Pushrods "Such a Pretty Pretty Thing - Acoustic"
Worm Quartet "Archie Got an STD"
Torso's from Space "Give Me Some of that Butt"
King Snyder "America Inc."
Plan 607 "Psychopath"
The Pushrods "Old People are a Pain in the Ass"
Devil's Whorehouse "Bondage Goddess"
Crisis "Rats in a Maze / Secrets of the Prison House"
Pro-Pain "Freedom Rings"
Lotus Project "Burning Alive"
Ragnarok "Recreation of the Angel"
Ignitor "Demon Slayer"
Widows Bloody Widows "A Feast of Snakes"
Suffocation "To Weep Once More"
Insomnium "Daughter of the Moon"
TOC "Night Crawler"
3 Monkeys Named Bob "Bend"
Folly "Please Don't Shoot the Piano Player, He's Doing the Best He Can"
Lotus Project "Nelumbo Lucifera"
Hanoi Rocks "Obscured"
LA Guns "Until I Get You"
Tvangeste "Under the Black Raven's Wings"
Rival "Insane"
Liturgy "Dawn of Ash"
Haunted by Angels "Neverland II (The Overture)"
GWAR "Dirty, Filthy" (R)
Tie My Shu "The Chineese Rap Song"
Enertia "Messed Up Son"
Time Requiem "Quest of a Million Souls"
Death Angel "No"
Scatter the Ashes "Division"
Misery Signals "The Year Summer Ended in June"
UDO "Fistful of Anger"
Azreal "Track 7"
Conquest "Back Against the Wall"
The National Acrobat "Attacked by Sorry"
Abadon Incarnate "Dead Again"
Pile of Heads "What We Feed Off"
Cadaver "Decomposed Metal Skin"
Enforsaken "A Break from Tradition"
Godus "Hell Fuck Demon Sound"
Artefact "Towers of Equinox"
Zno White "Do or Die"
Shoebox and Crappy "Smell My Nipple Win a Prize"
Dufus "Fun Wearing Underwear - Acoustic"
Elvenking "Dissappearing Sands"
Lugosi's Morphine "Outta My Head"
Ensifirum "Slayer of Light"
Martyr AD "American Hollow"
Pantera "By Demons be Driven" (R)
Crisis "Lambs to the Slaughter"
Pro-Pain "Implode" (R)
Duskfall "The Destroyer"
Kreator "When the Sun Burns Red"
Novembre "The Music"
TNT "Tell No Tales"
______________________________________________

Sometimes I stick my finger so far
up my nose that I actually touch the
bottom of my eyeball. Other times
I just sit around wasting time.

(Tom Stoudt)
______________________________________________

SHOW LISTINGS

Fri, May 14: King Snyder, Prong, Dog Fashion Disco, All That Remains, and
Beyond the Embrace at The New Cheers Pub, Binghamton

Sat. May 15: The Witching and Temptress at The Haunt, Ithaca

Tue, May 18: Life of Agony, Candiria, 7N7, and Camel Clutch at The Penny
Arcade, Rochester

Wed, May 19: Exhumed, Uphill Battle, Sulaco, and Downdriven at The Steel
Music Hall, Rochester

Fri, May 21: Sworn Enemy, Last Season, Bema, and Freya at The Steel Music
Hall, Rochester

Sat, May 22: Haunted by Angels, Enertia, Inherence, and Thoughts Lost at The
Haunt, Ithaca

Fri, May 28: Lacuna Coil, POD, Blindside, and Hazen Street at The ESL Sports
Center, Rochester

Sat, May 29: The PushRods, Plan-607, Boneslaw, Idol Hands and Dogs on Mars,
and Caustic at Head Rush Xtreme Park Grand Opening, 3417 Walters Rd,
Syracuse, NY ALL AGES 2 - 8 PM w/BMX exhibitions, Paintball Tourney (The
Music Fest is FREE!)

Wed, June 9: Stretch Armstrong, Terror, Between the Buried and Me, and Out
to Win at The Xtreem Wheels Indoor Skate Park, Buffalo

Thurs, June 17: Iced Earth and Beyond the Embrace at The Penny Arcade,
Rochester

Sat, June 26: Images and Words (Dream Theater Tribute) and Reign of Terror
at The Steel Music Hall, Rochester

Sat, July 3: Pretty Suicide at The Haunt, Ithaca

Mon, July 19: Stress Fest featuring Shadow’s Fall, As I Lay Dying, Himsa,
and Remembering Never at Infinity, 8166 Main St, Williamsville
(716-565-0110......$12/12......All Ages - doors 6pm)

Thurs, July 22: Worm Quartet and Torsos from Space at The Bug Jar, Rochester
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There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
Fifty-one, if you include alien abduction.

(Kevin Wickart)
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TOP STORIES OF THE WEEK

Ananova: 
Airline passenger finds frog in food

An airline passenger on a flight from Melbourne to Wellington got a surprise
when she found a live frog in her salad.

The woman was on a Qantas flight when she found the the whistling tree frog
on top of her cucumber.

The woman managed to trap the creature in the salad box, preventing it from
escaping, says the New Zealand Herald.

Cabin crew removed the container and notified New Zealand's Agriculture
department who had quarantine staff waiting when the plane landed.

The 4cm brownish-coloured frog, a native of Australia, was taken from the
plane and was put down.

A Qantas spokesman said the airline had changed its lettuce supplier since
the incident and introduced "additional procedures into the salad supply
process".
____________________________________________________

+------------------ Bizarre Conspiracies ------------------+

Grant Wood's famous painting of an old Indiana couple posing
in front of their farmhouse is considered the definitive por-
trait of the Midwestern farmer. In actuality, the man and
women aren't really a couple nor are they farmers. Also, the
"farmhouse" in the picture was once used as a bordello.

William Eno is considered to be the "Father of Traffic Safe-
ty." He supposedly originated stop signs, one-way streets,
taxi stands, pedestrian safety islands and traffic rotaries.
What is not known is that he never learned to drive and he
considered cars to be a passing fad.

The Beach Boys, who were considered to be the "Kings of Cali-
fornia Surfing, started a national surfing craze in the early
1960's. Four of the original members of the band knew nothing
about surfing and the only one that did, drowned in 1983.

In October 1994, "Weekly Reader" magazine ran an article
that "discussed smoker' rights and the harm done to the
tobacco industry by smoking restrictions. The article said
nothing about smoking being the cause of lung cancer. Turns
out the magazine is owned by the largest shareholders in
RJR Nabisco, makers of Camel cigarettes.

Karl Marx, considered to be the enemy of American capitalism,
accepted a job as the London correspondent of the New York
Tribune years after he had become famous as the author of the
"Communist Manifesto." His reason was that his anti-capitalist
political writing hadn't earned him enough to live on.
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------- They're Almost As Plastic As The Actual Dolls ------

Two people that apparently have too much money on their hands
have spent about $300,000 to transform themselves into real-
life Barbie and Ken dolls. Cindy Jackson and Miles Kendall
have undergone 89 operations, ranging from jaw implants and
chemical peels to liposuction, to look like the best-selling
dolls. The pair is ecstatic with the results - super white
smiles, wrinkle-free brows and finely chiseled cheekbones.
The only difference between the plastic dolls and the plastic
surgery pair is that Jackson and Kendall are not an item.
Kendall was a 33-year-old divorcee from Stoke, England, when
he first thought about altering his appearance two years ago.
When he saw Jackson on television discussing her transforma-
tion, he contacted her to ask if he could be the male ver-
sion. She happily obliged and gave the go-ahead for his six-
month surgical transformation.
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------------ He's So Dumb It Should Be A Crime -------------

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. - Attention all bank robbers: it's
not a good idea after a heist to head to the bar, order a
beer, and start counting your loot. If you decide to do
this, you will end up like Ronald Langdale and find yourself
in jail. Lengdale walked across a parking lot from a Bank of
America branch, wandered into a pub, sat down and had a beer.
Police, who had obtained a description of the suspect, were
checking nearby businesses when they went into the bar and
saw the man who fit the description. When they got closer,
they saw he was nonchalantly counting "a wad of money." "The
officers were doing an area check and sure enough, they hit
it rich," a police spokesman said. "His clothing was exactly
the same. He wasn't hard to find." They gave Langdale a tap
on the shoulder and took him to a waiting police car. He is
being held without bail.
_____________________________________________________

-- I See London, I See France, I Steal Woman's Underpants --

JAPAN - A man from the western Japan city of Hiroshima has
been arrested for stealing women's underwear after police
raided his home to find 4000 pairs of garments collected
over 30 years. Local reports said the 55-year-old man
confessed to stealing the items and he explained to the
private Fuji television network, "I love women's underwear
and could not control my desire." The fetishist was caught
was the husband of one of his victims caught him on his
balcony about to add to his stash. Police said they had
confiscated the 4,000 pairs of underpants.
_________________________________________________

----------------- Moises Alou Gets Pissed -------------------

If you ever meet Chicago Cub's player Moises Alou, you may
want to think twice about shaking his hand. Alou, who
doesn't wear batting gloves, mentioned in an ESPN.com story
that he urinates in his hands to toughen them up. When the
Chicago Tribune asked him where he picked up this technique,
he said: "A lot of guys in the league do it. Guys in this
clubhouse do it." His strong hands tactic might be pushing
the boundaries of good taste - even by locker-room standards.
Alou said he figured the subject matter was off the record
in the ESPN.com story, even though he didn't expressly say
so, due to its crude nature. Guess he'll think twice from
now on before revealing information he doesn't want every-
one to know!
__________________________________________________

------------- The Place Was Crawling With Life -------------

GERMANTOWN, Wis. - A horrible scent of decay brought author-
ities to an apartment in suburban Milwaukee. When they
searched it, they were astonished to find the place was
home to about 200 creatures. Alligators, scorpions, carni-
vorous beetles, and a number of other bizarre creatures were
found crawling about the apartment, all kept alive thanks to
a woman who fed them roadkill. "The smell was just
unbelievable," said William Mitchell, a state conservation
warden. Authorities found animal carcasses in the freezer and
decaying carcasses in an adjacent garage. Jamie L. Verburgt,
the apartment resident, was given two state citations for
possessing game animals out of season, Mitchell said. The
animals were taken by the Washington County Humane Society.
____________________________________________________

------------- They Had a Hand in the Situation -------------

COLUMBUS, Ohio - It all began when two men were golfing at
the 10th hole of the Frisbee Golf Course and noticed a dog
dragging something out of the woods. Upon closer inspection,
the pair was startled to discover what resembled a badly
decomposed human hand hanging from the dog's mouth. Columbus
police were called to the area near Griggs Reservoir after
the men called to claim they had found a hand. A homicide
detective was called to the scene, along with investigators
from the crime scene search unit. After all the commotion,
the detective then took the so-called hand to the coroner's
office, where it was determined to be a plant. "If it was my
hand, I would want someone to call," said one of the men who
found the item. "But we debated, should we call, should we
not. So we called, and police took it as a prank at first."
_________________________________________________

a 20-year-old Carleton University (Ottawa,
Ontario) student plunged to his death in February during a contest
to see who could spit the farthest off an 11th floor balcony. He had
taken a running start.

_________________________________________________

From The Onion

Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity
SARAJEVO, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA—Members of the International Coalition for
Equality criticized a newly unearthed mass grave Monday, saying it lacked
religious and racial diversity. "The funereal pit is brimming with Croats,
nearly 300 of them, without a single representative Serb," ICE spokesman
Jacques Marchand said. "Exclusionary burial practices like this send a
negative message to the world. Corpses of all races and creeds should be
tossed together to decay in harmony." Marchand acknowledged that the grave
did, at least, have a sprinkling of women and children.
___________________________________________________

From BBSpot.com

Motorists Alarmed By Increasing Size of Pedestrians
By Nikolaj Borg

Austin, TX - The Automobile Association of America issued a warning
yesterday about what they consider "an alarming increase in the size and
density of pedestrians."

Jamie Cropp, AAA President, outlined the two major dangers from pedestrians,
"First, fat people - or Sport Utility People, as we like to call them -
display incredible arrogance on our streets. You can lay on the horn and
still they take forever crossing the street. An old, fat person? You might
as well finish your conversation and your mocha latte, because you will have
plenty of time.

"Sporty people are no drive in the park either," Cropp continued. "Like when
you face a pack of them rollerblading down the sidewalk toward you. You can
become confused by the multicolored helmets and drive straight into them.
Next thing you know you have a knee or elbow pad wedged in your grill."

Lance Torpey, spokesperson for the Professional Pedestrian Psociety,
admitted the body weight of the average pedestrian rose substantially in the
past ten years. "Gaining weight is just a defense mechanism, a personal
side-impact airbag, if you will. The PPP is working on a lightweight armor
for those who are not equipped with airbags.

"Also, being more rounded they roll off the hoods and quarter panels better,
as well as rolling on the asphalt after being hit. That adds another layer
of safety," continued Torpey. "Skinny people don't have a chance; they just
hit the road and stop. They do not even bounce well. They need the armor."

European drivers face even greater danger from gigantic pedestrians as the
average car is ten times smaller than those in the United States. "I've
actually started avoiding pedestrians," said German driver Hans Gruber.
__________________________________________________

From InfernalCombustion.com

UDO TAKES ENGLISH CLASSES, SUES FORMER ACCEPT LYRICIST

Former Accept vocalist Udo Dirkschneider has filed a lawsuit in the Ninth
District Court against his former manager and lyricist, Gaby “Deaffy”
Hoffman (nee Hauke). The reason?

“Fuck you for even asking such a question!” stormed the tiny German singer.
“You have exhibit A, B, C and D in your home, in your record collection!
Mein Gott, the words that ridiculous coin-purse made me sing, before I
studied the plumbing of the English language! Now, no one will pull the
socks over my eyes again – I know what I am spritzing about.”

Udo apparently became aware of Accept's lyrical meanings only after
enrolling in a Beginner's English course at the Pulheim
Gemeinschaftshochschule [community college] in late 2002. “And once I know
what these words mean, I felt like such an ass cave. 'London Leatherboys'?
'Screaming For a Love Bite'? What the heck is a 'Flash Rockin' Man' and why
did I have to sing about him? I feel positively hermaphrodited about this.”

Hoffman denies writing anything offensive. “Accept was known for their
provocative lyrics and defiant image,” she said in a prepared statement.
“From the naked man holding a steel ball in his hairy hand that adorned the
Balls to the Wall album cover, to lyrics like 'Cut you three times below the
ass to short to shit / two timing son of a dog,' to titles like 'Man Enough
To Cry,' there was never any doubt that in their heyday, Accept were men's
men. I find it queer that Udo, who was once so gay about my flaming lyrics,
now apparently has a stick up his ass about them.”

Hoffman's husband and former client, Accept guitarist (and renowned
photographer) Wolf Hoffman, defends his wife. “Udo has no case. I can tell
you, as a resident of the USA for nearly two decades, and a fluent English
speaker, that Gaby's work for Accept was never less than porcupine.”

Singer David Reece, who replaced Udo for 1989's ill-fated Eat the Heat
album, has asked to be named a co-plaintiff in the suit, or, failing that,
for ninety-five cents to maybe get him somethin' to eat on.

- Keith Bergman
__________________________________________________

This is an attempt to get people a little more into what's going on in the
music scene these days. As well as to keep people at least a little
informed about what is going on at our weekly broadcasts of chaos.
Please feel free to send all comments, suggestions, corrections, additions,
and whatever else that might help make this more useful.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might find it
interesting. Bands wanting to submit material for airplay can do so by
sending it to Aethyric Productions, Po Box 224, Ovid, Ny 14521-0224.

And e-mail us your show dates to add to the list above...

Some parts of this email were cleaned by emailStripper, available for free
from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm
Some Quotes from Ruminations (ruminations-subscribe@...)

Some stories taken from News of the Weird (www.NewsoftheWeird.com) and
Bizarre News (www.bizarrenews.com). Go to their sites to subscribe to their
weekly e-mails filled with such real news stories... Other stories from
http://www.ananova.com. Also, some parody stories have come from
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/, http://theonion.com/, and
http://www.infernalcombustion.com/. Other sources noted where applicable...