The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - July 2, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Metallic Onslaught - Friday's 9pm - 2am Eastern Time - 89.7FM
Metallic Onslaught Web Page - http://devoted.to/onslaught
WEOS Web Page - www.weos.org
Request Line: (315) 781-3897

The Last Exit for the Lost
Every Saturday Night at Midnight till 6am Sunday Morning - Eastern Time
WVBR 93.5 FM - East Hill 105.5 FM - Ithaca
And you can tune in on-line...
The Last Exit for the Lost direct page: http://www.TheLastExit.org
WVBR Web Page: http://WVBR.Com
Request Line: (607) 273-2121
E-mail Requests to: LastExit@...

Chat Room during the show:
http://pub6.bravenet.com/chat/show.php?usernum=450982834&cpv=1
_________________________________________________
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And feel free to pass this on to anyone who may find it interesting.

BANDS AND LABELS! IF YOU WANT YOUR NEWS OR SHOW DATES INCLUDED HERE - SEND
THEM ALONG!!!
_________________________________________________

Attached pic is of Vern covering the Plank Boys...

Recaps from Fire Eater Wizard...

On The Metallic Onslaught: No Shoebox as usual.. Jeffie was back though. He
claimed to have had a great time and that he rocked out at the Plank Boy's
show. They tried to tell him that he never saw the Plank Boys (He thought
that one of the opening bands was the Plank Boys, and left right after them
and, thus, never saw the band he went there to see) but I don't think he
ever got that and still thinks he saw them (that is if he's still alive to
think anything, but more on that later). He did however bring with him
someone he said he had met at the show. This person claimed to be Jeffie's
number one fan and to be the new president of the Jeffie fan club of
millions (and millions) of fans supposedly complete with a magazine. This
guy kept praising Jeffie, repeating everything he said, and saying over and
over again how much Jeffie rocked. However, when Joe and Rick started
brutally beating on Jeffie, his number one fan did not attempt to help at
all, just first cheered him on, and then, seeing that he was losing badly,
saying what a wonderful job Jeffie does at taking a beating. Then Andy the
guitar player from Haunted By Angels stopped by to talk about the bands new
CD "Season Of Death" and about their CD release show the following night.
Jeffie and his fan tried to interview Andy.. Jeffie at first wanted to
attend the concert, but, after awhile, he got upset with Andy (he said that
when he wore an HBA T-shirt, he got hurt, and, he didn't think Andy was
being nice to him). So, Jeffie tried to beat up Andy, but instead
accidentally beat down his number one fan, attacking him with Styrofoam and
knocking him out. Jeffie tried to take his unconscious fan up the stairs,
but, once again, some mysterious thing happened.. Jeffie reached the top
step, then came flying down the stairs. His revived fan came running in
saying that Jeffie was unconscious at the foot of the stairs and begging
them to help him, which, of course, Joe, Rick and Lance, being the kind,
caring, solicitous souls that they are were all too happy to do :p Later,
after he had come to, Jeffie said that he and his fan were going to perform
a song that they had written. Lance reluctantly agreed to be the keyboardist
for them. He said because it was so terrible that he just couldn't stand it,
and was going to try and bring a little quality to it. So, they performed
with drums and one of those musical keyboards, and a recorder. I'm going to
provide the lyrics that Jeffie came up with, it won't take long at all :) It
consisted of this: "Push that bootie, , push that bootie push that bootie
push that bootie push it push it push it" repeat that over and over with a
death metal part in the middle. Now, after not much of that Lance refused to
play any more, and quit/was fired from the band depending on who you listen
to. The keyboard then started playing Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go"
And Lance had a hard time shutting it off. From there they went into the
first official weekly segment of Death Metal Karoke. Lance sang over CD's in
death metal style first Journey's "Stone In Love", and then Brian Adams's
"The Summer Of 69". This really cracked everyone up.. Jeffie was mad at
Lance for ruining his song as he saw it. He tried to beat him up but, once
again beat up his fan instead. The fan began to question whether Jeffie
really rocked as much as he thought he did, but Jeffie managed to talk him
out of that. Then Jeffie decided that he wanted to throw Lance down the
stairs. He and the fan (the fan kept calling himself number one, But the MO
crew, except for Jeffie of course, kept calling him number two) tried to
trick Lance.. Jeffie kept telling Lance that he had a treat for him upstairs
and that he needed to come up there with him. At first Lance refused, but
finally went with Jeffie. Then, yet again, Jeffie reached the top step and
came flying down the stairs. Lance said that he threw himself down, Jeffie
denied this. He did however, manage to drag Lance down with him. So,
apparently Jeffie just can not go any further than the top of the stairs for
some mysterious reason. Then Jeffie and his fan claimed that they had gotten
a new member for their band. They said it was John Tesh, and that he would
be there in a couple hours, so, could they extend the show? They were told
no. Jeffie was upset with all of them. He said he had something and was
going to get it and open it. He brought out something. Whatever it was, no
one seemed to think it was a good idea to open it. Lance said it looked
nasty and they told him not to open it and threatened to and tried to beat
him down. However, Jeffie did manage to get it open. And then? Well, there
was a high pitched creepy squealing sound. This was the only sound, and it
went on for 30 or 60 seconds, and no one was heard from at all after that,
and the show ended. So, we will have to wait and listen this week to see
who, if any of them survived. Or, perhaps the rest of us will have to find
something else to occupy our Friday nights, Difficult and terrible as that
would be! We shall see...

On The Last Exit: It was the 4th and final 10th anniversary special show and
again was very active, crowded, and filled with chaos. Just Joe was not
there and no one knew where he was. But Crappy The Clown was there, and it
was his birthday, so the show was also a birthday bash for him. And Vern was
back for an appearance after being gone for almost a year (the last time he
was on he was dragged away by Friend to a wedding, a wedding between him and
Friend, he also had claimed then to be pregnant with Friend's spawn). At
first he would not admit to being Vern, but claimed to be a huge fan of The
Vern Show, and kept demanding that they play more Vern. Later, he finally
said that Vern had managed to escape from Friend's clutches and was
traumatized by the ordeal and was in hiding somewhere, so this was The Void
being controlled by Vern from afar. Later in the night there was a surprise.
The Plank Boys (or 2 of them, Andy and Jeremy) stopped by. Although they had
told us last week that they were leaving for NYC, apparently they were not
able to get away as quickly as they had planned so, they came back for one
"final" final visit which was cool. And worked out well as Jeremy is afraid
of clowns and Crappy was still there. Everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to
Crappy in a noisy way. Also, the old man who managed Special Unit 2 was
there. They played "spin the old man in his wheelchair" again, and then beat
him up and possibly killed him, although, that has been thought before and
he's come back, so, who Knows? After that there was a guy there with a
British accent. He said his name was Nigel Wood, and he claimed to be Nicky
wood's brother (Nicky wood who hosts the 80's show) and seemed to have
issues with Nicky saying that Nicky didn't like him and wasn't nice to him.
They of course tried to have Crappy as close to Jeremy for as much of the
time as was possible. Before the Plank Boys left, Azkath attacked and beat
down Andy. They thought he was dead, and maybe he was, but, this is LE,
where no one ever seems to stay dead for very long. So, Andy came back as a
zombie. Vern got many beat downs but refused to leave and said he would be
back on the show next week when the band Pretty Suicide will probably be on
for an interview after their concert.. Azkath told Vern that he had had a
call from Friend and that Friend was coming for Vern. Vern screamed and ran
away, so, I don't think he will be back next week after all :) There was a
lot of violence and many beat downs as usual. And everyone got asked those
silly questions and gave their silly answers. The Final 10th anniversary
show ended they same way that the 1st one began, with the playing of the
song that gave the current version of the show it's name 10 years ago,
Fields Of The Nephilim's "The Last Exit For The Lost". Very appropriate and
fitting! And thus came to an end a great month of special anniversary shows,
with much nostalgia, history, chaos, looking back and fun. We got to hear
many voices from the past during this month that we hadn't heard in a long
time and got to relive many great memories. It was awesome! And, now on to
the future and hopefully another 10 years at least and hopefully many more
than that, of equally great shows! Can't wait!
________________________________________

Ok, so this week, Shoebox SAYS he will be at The Metallic Onslaught tonight.
Don't place bets on it, but you never know. No idea what happened at the
end of the show last week. On The Last Exit, we should have Pretty Suicide
up (www.prettysuicide.com) and we should have Lacey from the band Nocturne
(www.nocturne.cc) calling at some point for an interview as well. They will
be playing Wednesday at The Haunt with Bozo Porno Circus. Should be damned
cool. And go check out Pretty Suicide tomorrow at The Haunt, it's an early
show and I don't know who else is playing, but doors are at 6... Also,
there is a situation with WVBR's broadcast power. It is broadcasting very
low at the moment, so if you live further out, you may not be able to tune
it in. I do not know when this will be fixed. The online feed, however,
seems to be working fine.
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-- NEWS --

MONDO GENERATOR
drummer Alfredo Hernandez (Kyuss, Queens Of The Stone Age) has been added
to the lineup

SECOND SKY
the legendary Dan Swanö (Edge Of Sanity, Unicorn, Nightingale,
Pan-Thy-Monium, Bloodbath) is back with this new project - Second Sky is
the musical continuation of Unicorn and derives inspiration from
“Post-Prog” with a strong emphasis on big choruses and great vocal hooks

THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER
drummer Zach Gibson (Gutrot, Mutilated) has replaced Cory Grady who was
asked to leave the band due to personal and professional conflicts

DECEMBER
Eric Dellon (Shallow Water Grave, Zombie Apocalypse) has been recruited as
new vocalist

NOMINON
Jonas Mattsson has parted ways with the band – guitarist Juha Sulasalmi
will take over the vocal duties until a suitable singer has been found -
bassist Joel Andersson (Immersed In Blood) has joined the fold

BLACK MASS
Lord Shermos has rejoined the horde on bass guitar

TESTAMENT
fans at the Sweden Rock fest were treated to a guest appearance by early
Testament vocalist Steve “Zetro” Souza (Exodus) who sang “Burnt Offerings”
with Chuck Billy

RANDY RHOADES
KnuckleBonz, Inc. their plans to create a Randy Rhoads sculpture for the
Guitar Hero limited edition collectible figure series

VICTORY RECORDS
the label has cut a deal with DVD producers Dragon Well Digital Media
Group that will see the Washington, D.C.-based company’s multimedia
products exclusively distributed by Victory in North America

NEW SIGNINGS
The End Records: Second Sky
Empire Records: Pyorrhoea
DRT Entertainment: GWAR

-- HELP WANTED --

MUSICIANS wanted - drummer and guitarist in the Philadelphia area seek
bass, vocals and lead guitar for newly-forming band- musical style is a
blend of sludge, thrash and hardcore with many other elements –
influences: Slayer, Black Sabbath, Isis, Eyehategod, Acid Bath, Botch,
Mastodon, Agalloch, more – must be dedicated, friendly and willing to
pursue this band as main project - practice on Sundays in NE Philly -
racists, junkies, and other such scum need not apply – contact:
johnnysin55@...

MUSICIANS wanted - guitarist and drummer seeking demons influenced by
extreme death and black metal in the Central Florida area - looking to
spread havoc and blasphemy to the world – influences: Emperor, Mayhem,
Bathory, Beheaded, Enthroned, Darkthrone, Setherial, Dark Funeral, Old
Man's Child, Diabolic, Hate Eternal, Immortal, more - must have own gear
and transportation - contact: EmperorHorde666@...

GUITARIST wanted - ex–Lionsheart bassist Eddie Marsh seeks semi
professional 2nd lead guitarist (European based with record label and
touring experience) for new band to break a deal with a major –
influences: Iced Earth, Slipknot, Evanescence, Disturbed, Rammstein, Judas
Priest, Arch Enemy, Halford, Iron Maiden, more – contact:
halestonemedia@...

DRUMMER wanted - Denver based thrashers Clusterfux (Rodent Popsicle
Records) seeks drummer - influences: DRI, the Accused, English Dogs, The
Exploited, GBH, Exodus, Broken Bones, most 80's punk/thrash crossover
bands – contact: clustrfxjsh@...

VOCALIST wanted - New York area musicians seek vocalist for death / grind
band – Brooklyn rehearsal room - contact: akpvengeance@...
_______________________________________________________________

NOVEMBER'S DOOM

THE END RECORDS are proud to announce we have signed a wordwide deal with
the acclaimed US act, NOVEMBERS DOOM. Hailing from Chicaco, IL NOVEMBERS
DOOM have established themselves through the years as one of the top doom
acts in the world and possibly the most prominent one in North America. The
initial release will be a re-issue of the last full length "To Welcome the
Fade." It will contain a bonus CD with unreleased material such as live
songs from our tour with The Gathering, the entire and long out-of-print EP
"For Every Leaf That Falls," as well as some other possible surprises. Look
for it in stores everywhere this October.

The writing process for the 5th full length CD is complete, and will be
recorded in October 2004, for an early 2005 release. The early plan is to
once again utilise the talents of Grammy winning Neal Kernon for the final
mix of the CD. Entitled "The Pale Haunt Departure" it will contain 8 songs,
at close to an hour of music. Tracklisting in no specific order: The Pale
Haunt Departure, In the Absence of Grace, Dark World Burden, Swallowed By
the Moon, The Dead Leaf Echo, Through a Childs Eyes, Collapse of the Falling
Throe, and Autumn Reflection.

LINE-UP:
Paul Kuhr - Vocals
Larry Roberts - Guitar
Vito Marchese - Guitar
Mike LeGros - Bass
Joe Nunez - Drums
_________________________________________

BIOGRAPHY

Forming in 1989, it wouldn't be until 1992, that the doom/metal world would
be introduced to Novembers Doom. An early deal with Regress Records of
Italy, allowed Avantgarde of Italy to hear the band. This recording was
death and doom combined with moods of darkness and despair. The 2 songs
would lead to the release of the band's full length debut CD "Amid It's
Hallowed Mirth" on Avantgarde/Nuclear Blast. Exploring and expanding, the
band adds female backing vocals and continues its thick, eerie brand of
metal. A compilation track for Pavement Music soon followed. In 1997,
Novembers Doom released the EP "For Every Leaf That Falls." The mini album
was received well, leading to favorable reviews and response worldwide.
Novembers Doom has since released their second full length album "Of
Sculptured Ivy And Stone Flowers," with Martyr Music Group, Inc. This new
offering has received rave reviews. Metal Maniacs had this to say...

"There are many bands similar to Novembers Doom, yet there is no band quite
like the Chi-town natives. The band distills the masterworks of atmosphere,
reveling in despair and grievous matters of the heart. Intelligently
constructed, so as to bring emotions to the fore, the changes in dynamics
and use of multiple voices, both male and female, wind through lengthy
instrumental passages that are suddenly interrupted by acoustic guitar,
piano or sound effects. Only a few bands on this side of the Atlantic
possess the talent to stand alongside the European hierarchy. Novembers Doom
are one of them."

In May of 2000, Novembers Doom entered the recording studio once again, to
record the follow up to "Of Sculptured Ivy And Stone Flowers." The band has
recorded "The Knowing" with Studio One's Chris Djuricic. The CD is an
extension of the previous material, only taking steps in new directions to
enhance their already original sound. This CD is everything you would expect
from this band, and so much more.

Enter Dark Symphonies. In July of 2000, Novembers Doom officially became a
member of the Dark Symphonies label. Realizing the band’s potential, they
constructed a deal with Martyr Music Group, to include the band on its
roster, releasing "The Knowing" to the public.

Now, with their third full length release receiving praise from every corner
of the globe, and a European licensed release of the CD through Pavement
Music, Novembers Doom secured themselves as one of the top bands in their
style in America.

In October 2002, Novembers Doom entered the studio to begin work on their
second full length of new material for Dark Symphonies. The bands fourth
full length would be entitled "To Welcome the Fade," only this time they
recruited the talents of the Grammy award winning producer, Neil Kernon.
Best known for his work with acts like Hall and Oates, Kansas, Yes,
Queensryche, Judas Priest, and more recently Nevermore and Cannibal Corpse,
Kernon brought a new power and clarity to the sound of the band.

Fulfilling all contractual obligations with Dark Symphonies, Novembers Doom
announced they were searching for new label opportunities. The response was
overwhelming with interest from many of today’s most popular metal labels.
During the process of entertaining all offers, big and small, the band began
to write its next release.

In February 2004, Novembers Doom engaged in a short but successful East
Coast North American tour with The Gathering and Agalloch.

Returning home from the tour, the band had established a working
relationship with The End Records and talks of working together on a long
term basis began. In June of 2004, Novembers Doom officially signs worldwide
to The End Records. This is a perfect collaboration as both parties share a
similar vision for quality and artistic music.

Plans for recording the 5th full length are in motion, for an October
recording date, with an early 2005 release, through The End Records. The
new CD will be called "The Pale Haunt Departure". It will contain 8 songs,
at close to an hour of music. The song titles are (but not in this order):
The Pale Haunt Departure, In the Absence of Grace, Dark World Burden,
Swallowed By the Moon, The Dead Leaf Echo, Through a Childs Eyes, Collapse
of the Falling Throe, and Autumn Reflection. Artwork by the gifted Attila
Kis (http://www.demateria.com).

In addition, The End Records will also re-release "To Welcome the Fade" in
the Fall with a bonus CD including Live material from the tour with The
Gathering, the long out-of-print "For Every Leaf That Falls" EP, and other
exclusive tracks.

Plans are still in the works for a live performance to be pro shot for a DVD
release in 2005. The band has lots of old footage, and some great handheld
camera shows from the last tour, so the bonus material will be plenty. A
video shoot for the new CD is also being planned, and possibly something
containing old material compiled of old handheld camera clips to also be
included.

The story continues... www.novembersdoom.com
_________________________________________

THE END RECORDS | 331 Rio Grande St. 58 | SLC, UT 84101 USA
Tel: 801-355-0963 | Fax: 801-355-3091 | http://www.theendrecords.com
__________________________________________________________________

GORGAR NEWS

After onstage anti-George Bush rhetoric by BLAZE BAILEY (he began a song by
saying "Kill & Destroy George Bush!"), the singer from CAGE (Sean Peck)
asked him what was up with slagging Bush and the USA. Both participants had
finished their sets and were drunk. Words exchanged, Blaze reportedly asked,
"Do you want to have a go at me?" and lunged towards Peck, who clocked him.
As the former IRON MAIDEN singer was (ironically) falling down, Peck grabbed
his collar and in best hockey fight fashion, pummeled Bailey a few more
times. The result a quickly swollen and discolored eye.
_____________________________________________________________

Playlist for The Last Exit for the Lost: June 27, 2004
(R) = Requested

Background: Steve Roach "Dust to Dust"

Leash Law "Hail to Blood"
Ministry "No W"
Laibach "W.A.T."
Pica Fierce "Decadence"
Dillenger Escape Plan "Panasonic Youth"
Dope Stars Inc. "Plug 'n' Die"
Susperia "The Coming Past"
A Perfect Murder "Time Bomb"
Pink Cream 69 "See Your Face"
Crappy the Clown / Shoebox "Crappy's Ho Down"
Nocturne "Happy - Paradise Wasted"
Lotus Project "Storm"
Divinity Destroyed "Void"
Tony Goldmark "Teeth Clenched"
King Snyder "Ambition"
Beyond the Embrace "Plague"
Superdrive "Blistering"
inRed "My Name in Lights"
Self Made Hate "Slowly Slipping"
Nonpoint "Done It Anyways"
Monster Magnet "Too Bad"
Ministry "Arp City"
Broken Teeth "She Dances Evil"
Unearth "Endless"
Pretty Suicide "User Abuser"
Only Crime "Doomsday Breach"
Special Unit 2 "Don't Waste My Time"
Death Angel "The Devil Incarnate"
Heaven Shall Burn "Bleeding to Death"
Crappy the Clown and Shoebox "My Girl's a Vegatable"
Worm Quartet "Strap-On Brain"
Bozo Porno Circus "Exterminate - Regenerate"
Skinny Puppy "Pro-Test"
The Power and the Glory "Call Me Armageddon"
Pigmy Love Circus "Madhouse Clown"
Vomitory "Autopsy Extravaganza"
Evil Dead "BOHICA / Rise Above"
Leaf "Temple of Love"
The Plank Boys "Under the Influence"
Crappy the Clown "I Wanna Marry a Porno Star"
Special Unit 2 "Coward"
The Plank Boys "Something Sinister'
The Plank Boys "New York Casualty"
Motorhead "In the Name of Tragedy"
Atreyu "This Flesh a Tomb"
Otep "Hooks and Splinters"
Guttermouth "Octopus Hairpiece"
Special Unit 2 "A Frayed Knot"
The Plank Boys "Vulgar"
13th Melody "The Search"
Zao "The Rising End (The First Prophecy)"
Therion "Abraxis"
The Plank Boys "Torment"
18 Visions "I Should Tell You"
Brave "Words"
Kayo Dot "A Pitcher of Summer"
Trouble "Mr. White / Breathe..."
Savatage "Alone You Breathe"
Fields of the Nephilim "Last Exit for the Lost"
_______________________________________________

Fri, July 2: The Witching, Temptress, The Winter Sleepers, and Timur Lenk at
Castaways, Ithaca

Fri, July 2: King Snyder, Dog Fashion Disco, and Beyond the Embrace at The
Haunt, Ithaca

Fri, July 2: A Life Once Lost, Premonitions of War, Misery Signals, and A
Perfect Murder at The Furnace, 312 Lakeside Rd., Syracuse (6:30 pm. $8. All
ages)

Sat, July 3: Pretty Suicide at The Haunt, Ithaca

Sat, July 3: King Snyder and Superdrive at Quigley’s, Elmira

Wed, July 7: Nocturne, Bozo Porno Circus, and Man Made Machine at The Haunt,
Ithaca

Fri, July 9: Brand New Sin, Heatseaker, and The Last Season at The Steel
Music Hall, Rochester

Fri, July 9: A Day Without Rain at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Thurs, July 15: Dimmu Borgir, Bleeding Through, and God Forbid at The Penny
Arcade, Rochester (doors 7pm - 585-621-7625........$20/23.......All Ages)

Fri, July 16: BoneJar, Superdrive, Haloburn, and Down for Low at The Haunt,
Ithaca

Fri, July 16: Black Labeled (Ithaca crust), Timur Lenk (Ithaca metal), The
Fallout Project (Canada), and The Paragraph (Nyack rock,
www.theparagraph.net) at The See Spot Community Artspace, 108 The Commons.
277-7560. $5. 8pm.

Sat, July 17: Lamb of God, Atreyu, Unearth, and Every Time I Die at Club
Tundra, Syracuse

Sun, July 18: Dokken and Haunted by Angels at The Continental Buffalo

Mon, July 19: Stress Fest featuring Shadow’s Fall, As I Lay Dying, Himsa,
and Remembering Never at Infinity, 8166 Main St, Williamsville
(716-565-0110......$12/12......All Ages - doors 6pm)

Mon, July 19: Terror, Comeback Kid, With Honor, Champion, and Blacklisted at
Club Tundra, Syracuse (6 pm. $10. All ages)

Thurs, July 22: Haunted by Angels, William’s Eve, Sonarfist, and Caustic at
The Haunt, Ithaca

Fri, July 23: The Pushrods and Recently Vacated Graves (DC zombie metal,
http://www.zombiemetal.tk) at The See Spot Gallery, Ithaca (7PM $5 all ages)

Sat, July 24: Arsis, Timur Lenk, and Black Labeled at Castaways, Ithaca

Tues, July 27: WZZO 95.1 radio presents "Bike Nite" w/ the PushRods and TBA
@ Banana Joe's, Allentown, PA 7 - 10PM NO COVER

Wed, Aug 4: Fear Factory, Mastodon, Walls of Jericho, and Sworn Enemy at The
Water Street Music Hall, Rochester

Wed, Aug 4: Machinehead, Chimaira, 3 inches of Blood, and Trivum at the
Penny Arcade, Rochester

Sat, Aug 7: The Pushrods and Plan 607 at Albies Utica (18+ 9 PM)

Thurs, Aug 19: Shadows Fall, As I Lay Dying, Remembering Never, and Himsa at
The Lost, Syracuse (6:30 pm. $12. 16+ w/ ID)

Sat, Aug 21: The PushRods, Plan-607, and Pop Shop at Banana Joe's,
Allentown, PA

Fri, Aug 27: Slayer, Slipknot, Hatebreed, and God Forbid at Darien Lakes

Sat, Aug 28: The PushRods, Plan-607 & other bands TBA at Sweets On The Beach
(Main street Sylvan Beach ,NY)
___________________________________________________________

TOP STORIES OF THE WEEK

+---------------- Bizarre Church Bloopers -----------------+

[courtesy of netscape.com]

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Our church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

On a church bulletin during a minister's illness: "GOD IS
GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national prayer and
fasting conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals."

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication
to follow.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for
testes.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presby-
terian Church. Please use the large double door at the side
entrance.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8
p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill
Christ the King.

Barbara's in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
____________________________________________________

---------------- A Little Hard To Digest -------------------

HANOI, Vietnam - No wonder he had a stomach ache. When Huynh
Ngoc Son, 22, went to the hospital last week complaining of
serious stomach pains, an X-ray revealed three metal
construction rods lodged in his stomach. Apparently, he had
swallowed them about a month before after being dared by
his drinking buddies, said Dr. Le Quang Nghia of Binh Dan
Hospital in Ho Chi Minh City. The rods, which were 6.7
inches long and 0.2 inches thick, were removed from his
stomach during a 30-minute operation, an official said
Monday. Son was lucky that his stomach was not seriously
damaged by the ordeal. He was in stable condition Monday
and expected to be released from the hospital this week,
Nghia said. Guess he better think twice the next time his
buddies put him up to a dare.
_________________________________________________

--------------- Not So Subliminal Messages -----------------

RICHMOND, Va. - Virginia residents will soon be noticing new
billboards going up around town with messages aimed at men
to dissuade them from having sex with underage girls.
Billboards, posters, and even coasters and napkins in bars,
restaurants, and stores will carry the gentle reminder
"Isn't she a little young?" or "Sex with a minor, don't go
there." This new campaign is designed to reduce the number
of young girls who have children with older men. In Virginia
in 1999 and 2000, men over 18 were responsible for 219
births involving girls ages 13 and 14, the Virginia Depart-
ment of Health said. "We encourage adult men to talk to
their peers and discourage them from pursuing teenagers.
What they are doing is unhealthy and against the law," said
Robert Franklin, a health department official. The messages
will be appearing in five cities.
__________________________________________________

----------------- Stick A Fork In Me... --------------------

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. - A Staten Island high school teacher
has been charged with second-degree assault for allegedly
spearing her boyfriend with a fork four times over lunch.
The incident occurred Thursday when William Sohmer, 48, was
eating lunch with his girlfriend at his home. The Staten
Island Advance said Friday. "She stuck a fork in me and said,
'You're done,'" Sohmer said. Nora Dattilo, 39, was arrested
and charged with second-degree assault, police said. Sohmer
said the two were joking around while eating lunch, but
things escalated out of control. "One thing led to another,"
he said, refusing to divulge further details. Sohmer would
only show reporters four tiny sutured wounds on his left
arm, and would not say where the other three wounds were.
"She's a good girl and we were just fooling around," Sohmer
said.
__________________________________________________

Baboons on rampage in South African town

Mon Jun 14,11:41 AM ET

CAPE TOWN (AFP) - Residents of a small South African coastal town are
threatening to declare all-out war on baboons who have terrorised
pre-schoolers, raided homes for food and urinated on clothes after pulling
them out of closets.

Diana Head, the chairwoman of the local taxpayers' association in Pringle
Bay, an hour's drive east of Cape Town, told AFP Monday that baboons broke
into the local nursery school -- located in a church -- three times, using
the same method.

"The baboons lifted a window latch and stormed a church hall where the
children were," she said. "They grabbed sandwiches and cold drinks out of
the children's hands.

"The kids were traumatised afterwards. One teacher was so upset that she
resigned."

Head said baboons were breaking into houses about 15 times a month on
average.

"They have strong nails which they use to pull sliding doors off the hinges.
When they get inside the houses they ransack the cupboard for food and have
parties on the beds.

"On a few occasions they have pulled clothes out of the cupboards and
urinated on them."

Last week two female baboons in the area had to be put down after they were
found with bullet wounds in their stomachs.

Local conservation officials said they believed the shootings were revenge
attacks by residents.

Head said the problem escalated late last year when the head male in the
baboon troop changed.

"An alpha male who we named Charlie kept the troop under control but then he
was replaced by a newcomer known to us as Stoffel," she said.

The taxpayers' association approached the municipality about employing
baboon chasers, but were told that this would increase baboon stress levels.

"If nothing is done about this problem, more people are going to start
taking the law into their own hands," Head said.

Local official Craig Spencer told the Cape Times newspaper that the town did
not have the authority to intervene, adding that the municipality had hired
a nature conservation student to manage the baboons and printed pamphlets on
how to keep baboons at bay.
________________________________________________

+--------------- Bizarre Management Quotes ----------------+

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be
taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at
Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business (Accounting manager,
Electric Boat Company)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No
one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've
been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few
weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal
Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project
I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)
____________________________________________________

------------- Entire Lake Goes Down The Drain --------------

WILDWOOD, Mo. - As if someone pulled a plug on it, 23-acre
Lake Chesterfield suddenly vanished in a matter of days.
"It's real creepy," said Donna Ripp, who lives near what had
been Lake Chesterfield. "That lake was 23 acres - no small
lake. And to wake up one morning, drive by and it's gone?"
Just a few days ago, the lake was an oasis for waterfowl and
sailboats, but now it is nothing but a pit filled with mud
and rotting fish. Some Wildwood residents had noticed the
lake had begun falling last weekend. By Wednesday, the man-
made lake - normally seven to 10 feet deep - had been
reduced to a muddy, stinky hole. The disappearing lake had
74-year-old George English scratching his head. "It's
disheartening, getting out on your deck and seeing this,"
he said as he stood next to wife, Betty, and the "lakeside"
condominium they bought in 1996 for its view. "One day it's
a beautiful lake and now, bingo, it's gone."
_________________________________________________

----------- She Bit Off More Than She Could Chew -----------

ST PAUL, Minn. - A dreamy goodnight kiss quickly turned into
a nightmare for one man when his girlfriend bit off part of
his tongue. During their make-out session, the 43-year-old
woman freaked out when her boyfriend grabbed her too tightly
and said her reflex was to bite down. "I guess I bit down
too hard," the woman told officers. The couple walked to a
nearby restaurant where they called police; the man was
later treated at a hospital. Officers searched the woman's
home for the tongue, but couldn't find it. The woman, who
had been drinking with her boyfriend, apparently doesn't
remember what happened to the end of his tongue - but she
thinks she might have swallowed it. Police estimate that the
tongue measured about 1.5 inches. The woman was arrested and
could be charged.
____________________________________________________

--------------- Avoiding A Hairy Situation -----------------

LONDON - Although it was an unusual request, when insurance
underwriter Jonathan Thomas was asked if he could create a
policy to protect an unnamed star against the loss of chest
hair, he and his team of experts got down to work. The team
at London's Creechurch Underwriting drafted a four-page
document detailing every possible eventuality. According to
the policy, a payout would be given "if, in the opinion of
two independent medical referees, the insured person has
suffered loss of more than 85 percent of his hair covering
the front of his torso." At this point, the policy is still
only a speculative draft, and Thomas has not been told the
name of the hairy man in question. The policy covers
"accidental bodily injury" and has a long list of exclusions
- including no payout if a star is left with a bald torso
through war, revolution, radioactive contamination or
terrorism.
___________________________________________________

* Several George W. Bush-supporting punk rock bands have
gained prominence in the United States recently to challenge the
generally assumed dominance of rock music by political liberals,
according to a May dispatch from New York by BBC News, which
reported that bands such as Gotham Road "are not raging against
the machine, they are raging for it." A Rolling Stone writer
attributed the upsurge to conservatives' general pugnacity,
but one maven of "conservative punk" laid it to Republicans' and
punk's joint "emphasis on personal responsibility."
___________________________________________________

* From a police report quoted in Seattle's newsweekly The
Stranger (April 29): "[A] witness stated that he and another
witness watched the suspect walk up to several different men [at
the University Book Store on the University of Washington
campus], get on his knees, and sniff their anuses. He would then
lean forward as though he was getting a book off the lower shelf.
[One witness] also said that when one male got up from a bench
and walked away, the suspect walked over and started smelling the
area where the male had been sitting. When the witnesses
confronted the suspect about the incidents, the suspect said,
'Sometimes I forget myself and get carried away.'"
__________________________________________________

* Least Competent Criminals: Thinking Outside the Box: Teresa
Jones Smith, 44, was arrested in Lexington, N.C., in January after
trying to spring her incarcerated boyfriend Roger Johnson from
jail. According to deputies, Smith, who had been seated across
from Johnson at a visiting room bench, was found with a mini
blowtorch and other tools trying to cut through the Plexiglas shield
that separates prisoners from visitors, but more smoke was created
than she was prepared for.
_____________________________________________________

* Unsuccessful Darwin Award Attempts: An 18-year-old man
survived (but was in critical condition) after losing at a variation of
Russian roulette (six open cans of Mountain Dew, one spiked with
antifreeze) at a party (Princeton, W.Va., May). A high school
student survived (at one time in critical condition, bleeding from
the mouth) after drinking an unidentified chemistry-lab substance
in order to win a $2 bet (Odessa, Tex., May). And Fidel Cueva,
41, survived with only scrapes and bruises after he bailed out of an
emergency window of a Greyhound bus, at 55 mph, in the fast lane
of California's 101 freeway at rush hour because the bus, an
"express," had just bypassed his stop. (Ventura, Calif., May).
______________________________________________________

+--------------- Bizarre Olympic Questions ----------------+

Here are some of the questions that were asked of the Sydney
Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied
where appropriate.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or
Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes?
(Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are
being held in Sydney.

Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble
distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia,
but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in
trees. (USA)

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
____________________________________________________

-- A Family That Does Crime Together, Does Time Together --

McMINNVILLE, Tenn. - Talk about a family circus. It all
began when Lance E. Champion, 23, noticed a deputy who was
speeding. Feeling he was doing his civic duty, he pulled in
behind Deputy Lt. Stan Hillis to let him know he had
violated the speed limit. By the end of their conversation,
Champion was in custody charged with disorderly conduct,
resisting arrest and evading arrest. Champion called his
mother, Janice K. Champion, 48, who came with her 17-year-
old son in tow. The son smacked the hand of a deputy who was
gesturing for them to leave the area. "If you strike an
officer, you're going to jail 100 percent of the time," said
Sheriff Jackie Matheny. Officers then had to take Mrs.
Champion into custody after charging her with disorderly
conduct and resisting arrest. To complete the cycle, her
husband Hal Champion was shot with a deputy's Taser and
taken into custody on similar charges. The family was later
freed on bond.
__________________________________________________

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs

KATHMANDU, India (Wireless Flash) -- Hindu priests in a remote Nepal village
are breaking out in a cold sweat over a stone statue of a deity that has
also begun to mysteriously sweat for no apparent reason. The priests take
the sweaty signal as a sign that bad things are about to come and are now
praying to spare the country and the people from disasters or calamities,
according to Reuters.

MERRIAM, Kan. -- Could the movie "Dodgeball" be getting young teens hot
under the collar? Police caught one teenage couple copulating at a movie
theater in Merriam, Kansas, after a screening of the Ben Stiller comedy,
according to local TV station KMBC. The kids tried to dodge police by
dashing out and hiding in a car lot a block away, but were ultimately caught
and charged in juvenile court.

KEMRI, India -- There may be a new "hair" to the title of the World's
Longest Mustache. An Indian man whose mouth whiskers allegedly measure 13.5
feet has come forward in an attempt to topple the current record holder, who
has an 11-foot-long mustache. Challenger Gurjar Khatana tells "The Asian
Age" he hasn't trimmed his mustache in 26 years and the only special care
he's given the 'stache is an application of oil every morning.

SANTIAGO, Chile -- Sounds like an old wives tale, but women in Peru are
clamoring for a type of fruit from the Amazon which is supposed to make
their figures more curvy. The so-called Aguaje fruit reportedly contains
hormones that encourage voluptuous figures and one model tells the Chilean
newspaper, "Las Ultimas Noticias," "If I don't eat the Aguaje, I have to go
to the gym."
____________________________________________

From The Onion

66 Percent Of U.S. Citizens Object To Torture In Nonetheless Frightening
Poll
CAMBRIDGE, MA—The results of a USA Today-CNN-Gallup poll released Monday
show that 66 percent of Americans object to the use of torture during times
of war. "We can be proud that the majority of citizens stand against our
military personnel's use of torture," Harvard statistician William Stover
said. "And it's somewhat comforting that, of the 34 percent of Americans who
advocate torture, 72 percent said it should be used only when other methods
of discipline have failed." Reassuringly, 97 percent of Americans were
against the torture of U.S. soldiers or citizens by non-Americans.

Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player
BOSTON—Following the successful mugging of a jogger in Franklin Park, petty
criminal Derek Mesker announced Monday that he cannot believe the shit he's
found on his victim's Philips 20GB MP3 player. "3 Doors Down? Maroon 5!"
Mesker said, scrolling through the songs. "The new Counting Crows?! Man, I'm
glad I pistol-whipped that motherfuck." Mesker added that the first thing he
did was toss the device's "gay-ass" teal neoprene case.

Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone
APALACHICOLA, FL—Catherine Polk, 24, died at a local Starbucks Monday
afternoon, due to complications resulting from the tragic loss of her cell
phone. "It was horrible—Cathy didn't have any of her numbers written down
anywhere else, and she was waiting on a call about last-minute tickets for a
concert," said best friend Melissa Barreth, who was with Polk when she first
discovered that her Cingular V400 quad band/GSM cell phone was not in her
purse. "We tried everything to find it, but in the end, there was nothing we
could do." The coroner's report confirmed that Polk died of a sudden lack of
wireless service.

Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns House To Ground
ESTES PARK, CO—Neighbors and loved ones joined the former residents of 22
Everglade Pass Monday to marvel at the still-smoldering remains of the house
razed by Orkin exterminator Zach Knight. "I called Orkin and told them we
had ants," former homeowner Bill Danby said. "Twenty minutes later, a guy in
a red polo shirt and a mask knocked on the door, told us to get out of the
house, and said we should take our most precious belongings. Minutes later,
we smelled smoke." That night, Danby received a phone call from an anonymous
party, who warned him that "the Orkin man will be back" to perform a
follow-up inspection of the property Thursday.

__________________________________________________

This is an attempt to get people a little more into what's going on in the
music scene these days. As well as to keep people at least a little
informed about what is going on at our weekly broadcasts of chaos.
Please feel free to send all comments, suggestions, corrections, additions,
and whatever else that might help make this more useful.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might find it
interesting. Bands wanting to submit material for airplay can do so by
sending it to Aethyric Productions, Po Box 224, Ovid, Ny 14521-0224.

And e-mail us your show dates to add to the list above...

Some parts of this email were cleaned by emailStripper, available for free
from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm
Some Quotes from Ruminations (ruminations-subscribe@...)

Some stories taken from News of the Weird (www.NewsoftheWeird.com) and
Bizarre News (www.bizarrenews.com). Go to their sites to subscribe to their
weekly e-mails filled with such real news stories... Other stories from
http://www.ananova.com. Also, some parody stories have come from
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/, http://theonion.com/, and
http://www.infernalcombustion.com/. Other sources noted where applicable...