The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - August 20, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Metallic Onslaught - 89.7FM Geneva, NY - Friday's 9pm - 2am Eastern Time
http://devoted.to/onslaught - www.weos.org
Request Line: (315) 781-3897

The Last Exit for the Lost - Saturday's at Midnight till 6am Sunday -
Eastern Time
WVBR 93.5 FM / East Hill 105.5 FM - Ithaca, NY
www.TheLastExit.org - www.WVBR.Com
Request Line: (607) 273-2121
E-mail Requests during the show to: LastExit@...

Chat Room during The Last Exit:
http://pub6.bravenet.com/chat/show.php?usernum=450982834&cpv=1
_________________________________________________

** The attached pic is of an unconscious Jeffie laying upon an upset Joe at
The Metallic Onslaught **

Recaps from Fire Eater Wizard...

On The Metallic Onslaught: Shoebox was performing at a show with Dr.
Demento, as I said last week, and thus was not present at MO. Kudos again to
him! Jeffie's intro played and he arrived. He was still concerned because he
said that he kept finding more and more bananas in his pants, and could
never remember anything from just before each new occurrence. He was happy
because he liked that the bananas were there, but really wanted to know how
they were getting there or who was putting them there.. Jeffie had only just
got there and he and Lance started fighting right away.. Jeffie said that
Lance was mean to him and that he was sick of Lance kicking the crap out of
him all the time.. When the others pointed out to him that they all do
that, he said that it was different with Lance. He said that Momo was built
to beat the crap out of people. But, that Lance was a poser and a pretty boy
who thought he was sooo special with his looks and pretty long hair. Lance
and Jeffie started fighting using the electronic keyboard as a weapon
(congratulations to whoever built that keyboard! They must've done a really
good job for it to still be playing so well after all the abuse the poor
thing has taken. Probably foreign made). Jeffie hit Lance over the head with
the keyboard, and then Lance was silent. When they asked what was going on,
Jeffie reported ecstatically that he had knocked Lance out. He then locked
the door, and turned off the lights, and said laughing maniacally that he
had a big surprise for Lance. When Lance came to, all his long hair was gone
and he had a new short haircut.. Jeffie was laughing triumphantly saying
that he had cut off Lance's hair and thus stripped him of all his strength
and power (a modern day Sampson and Delilah?). The others were all sure that
Lance would be furious and kill Jeffie which they were all looking forward
to. But, to everyone's utter amazement, including Jeffie's, Lance seemed to
be very pleased with his new look. He praised Jeffie (I think that was the
first time anyone had ever praised Jeffie for anything) saying that Jeffie
had actually done a good job and should consider becoming a hair dresser and
thanking him! No one could not believe what they were hearing. They kept
asking Jeffie what else he had done to Lance besides cutting his hair..
Jeffie seemed as taken aback as anyone else insisting that that was all he
had done, and that Lance was not supposed to be happy about it. So, since
Lance liked his short hair, Jeffie decided to make him have long hair again.
He tried to put his blonde wig on Lance. Lance did not like this, probably
fearing that the wig had spent a lot of time in Jeffie's pants, where most
of Jeffie's possessions have spent much time.. Jeffie and Lance brawled,
and, alas for Jeffie, losing his hair did not seem to take away any of
Lance's strength as he beat the crap out of Jeffie once again. So, I guess
all of Jeffie's efforts were in vain and he only succeeded in making Lance
happy. Then the rest of the show was brawls between Jeffie and Joe... Jeffie
kept taking it on himself to save Joes's life again. And again Joe
apparently did not want to live. They had many fights, at one point Joe
threw up on Jeffie, and at another point, the fight progressed up the
stairs, and, since Jeffie can not go upstairs, he, of course, came flying
down. Then Joe accused Jeffie of breaking his leg.. Jeffie kindly tried to
give Joe a leg massage to make up for hurting it. An ungrateful Joe and
Jeffie had one last brawl and that was the show...

On The Last Exit : David was back as co-host after getting smart and leaving
New Jersey where, for some unfathomable reason, he had been the week before.
The Penguin was back, and Gorgar was there as well. Just Joe, however, was
not there. Now normally, and especially after what transpired last week,
this would be good news. But Just Joe called to inform them of the reason
for his absence. After Azkath had told Just Joe that he was no longer
extreme, and that he needed to become extreme again, and all the chaos that
that had led to. Well, now we found out that after that David told Just Joe
to become even more extreme. And since for some strange reason, David has a
lot of power over Just Joe. Just Joe said that he was not there because he
was plotting to become even more extreme, and apparently this plotting was
so intense that it was consuming all his time. But he promised that he in
all his new extremeness would be there next week which had everyone quite
concerned.. Oh, what has been unleashed!? The band Nonetheless was on for an
interview. They were there for about half the show. We got to hear their
music and learn about them. And they were all asked lots of those silly
questions, one of which led to an awesome event. After being asked the
question "What if there was an evil picnic basket, and the only way to
destroy it, was to sing a song about it?", The guitarist agreed to do just
that - make up a song about destroying an evil picnic basket. Along to
acoustic guitar, he made up and sang a song which lasted for several
minutes. It began being about the picnic basket, and then turned into a rant
about how much he hates bees, hornets, wasps, and all stinging insects.
Which, btw, I'll just throw in here, although I was not asked, is a
sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with! :) It was awesome and very funny.
Then they asked him to make up a song about Ian (The Yeti) who was also
there.. He made up and sang another song about Ian which also lasted several
minutes in which he made fun of Ian's khaki pants, his name, and other
things. Also cool and very funny. Then he did one last short song for
Jeremy, the lead singer of The Plank Boys, who was out on a boat somewhere.
Just as the band was preparing to leave, the singer made an insulting
comment. So Azkath said he had to kill him.. Azkath choke slammed the
singer. The singer was, apparently a glutton for punishment, because he made
some more insults, and got beat down some more. It was all very amusing and
the band was awesome! And so now we will have to wait and see what stupidity
and extremeness Just Joe has in store for us next week...

*************************************

Quick notes. The website for Nonetheless is www.Nonethelessband.com. They
have some shows upcoming in the area. Listed below of course. Not sure
what is up on either show this week, again you will have to tune in and find
out. Jeffie claims he will be going to see ONE/Diamond Tyr with me tonight
at the Penny Arcade so I don't know if he will be at the Onslaught or not.
And Just Joe's extremeness MAY be ready to be revealed Saturday. I don't
know because I haven't heard a peep from him since last Saturday...

Also, important note!! Shoebox WILL be on the new VH1 Show Obsessed, THIS
Wednesday at, I believe 10pm!! Do not miss it. Shoebox on National TV!!!
___________________________________________

the PushRods Porn camp news -

Aug 28th the band is heading north to a studio in upstate NY to record 3 of
their latest songs. It will be a "sampler" of the material from their next
full length release which they will finish later this year. the title of
the CD will be "Girls in Vinyl Skirts" which also is the name of the title
track. You can just imagine what kind of ideas we have for the cover and
future music videos. All Porn minds think alike ... the band is real
excited about this project and their new songs. "the new material has a
heavier sound and Ritchys vocal delivery hits the mark". don't worry, the
songs are as perverted as ever !!!! this band has really cum together
within the last year. *** the 3 song sampler will be available FREE at all
shows after Aug 28 or go to www.pushrodsrock.com and email the band to
request your FREE CD****** If you haven't seen the PushRods lately or at
all, get your ass to a show, you can't beat Punk, Porn and Alcohol
_____________________________________________________________

--------- METAL UPDATE ---------
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The Metal Update will deliver a weekly report to your email inbox. To
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This week’s Metal Update went out to over 15,195 subscribers.

-- NEWS --

MORBID ANGEL
vocalist Steve Tucker has left the group - former frontman David Vincent
will handle bass and vocals on the upcoming South American tour

JON OLIVA
Savatage's mastermind has dubbed his new solo project from Jon Oliva's
'Tage Mahal to Jon Oliva’s Pain due to possible trade-name conflicts – the
title of the forthcoming album will be ‘Tage Mahal’

AMORPHIS
vocalist Pasi Koskinen has left the band - Juha-Pekka Leppäluoto (Charon,
Poisonblack) will handle vocal duties for the upcoming tour with Type O
Negative

CARNAL FORGE
vocalist Jens C. Mortensen (Slapdash, Revolver) has replaced Jonas
Kjellgren

HAVOCHATE
drummer Jon Dette (Slayer, Testament) has left the band

IGNITOR
Erika Swinnich, former vocalist of Autumn Tears, has joined forces with
former Agony Column guitar shredder Stuart Laurence to form this true
metal band – also involved are: Pat Doyle (The Offenders), Brendon Bigelow
(Death Of Millions) and Beverly Barrington (T.A.N.G.)

STEEL ATTACK
new bassplayer Anden Andersson has been added to the lineup

JUDAS PRIEST
after Ozzfest the band plans to take a break from touring for the rest of
2004 in order to finish their new studio album by an anticipated December
28 release date – major touring is planned for 2005

BODY COUNT
rhythm guitarist Dennis "D-Roc" Miles died earlier this week at the age of
45 due to complications from lymphoma

NEW SIGNINGS
Nuclear Blast: Agnostic Front, Such A Surge
Metal Blade: YOB
Dancing Ferret Discs: Dreamside
Camp Fury Records: Continent Of Ash
Unique Leader Records: Odius Mortem

-- HELP WANTED --

DRUMMER & BASSIST wanted - Baltimore's Spinal Remains seeks drummer and
bassist to complete lineup - must be over 18 - must be interested in
death, grind, black metal – contact: spinalremains@...

MUSICIANS wanted - Toronto's Winterheart seeks drummer, second guitarist,
bassist - progressive black metal band influenced by Ancient, Behemoth,
Cradle Of Filth, Gorgoroth, Immortal - contact: totalraquio@...

MUSICIANS wanted - San Antonio powerful dark female fronted melodic metal
band Of Infinity seeks double bass drummer and second guitarist - should
be dedicated, serious, talented, and permanent - ages 18 to 35 -
druggies/addicts will not be considered - influences: In Flames,
Nightwish, Children Of Bodom, Lacuna Coil, Type-O-Negative, Theatre Of
Tragedy, Zakk Wylde, Ozzy, Soundgarden, Opeth, Cradle Of Filth, etc. –
contact: OfInfinityEmail@...

MUSICIANS wanted – avant-garde act with a heavy influence from Central
Florida seeks drummer and singer - live in the area - plenty of music
written - gig ready, road ready, waiting for complete band to move forward
- influences do not matter, an open mind does – contact:
mlaroe@...

BASSIST wanted - North Houston based death metal band Crimson Massacre is
in immediate need of a qualified bassist - influences/aspirations:
Immolation, old Cryptopsy, Atheist, Gorguts, Acerbus, Demilich, Deeds of
Flesh, Bach, Wagner, Beethoven, Enslaved - must have availability of time
and transportation for upcoming recording and touring – contact:
JmJ109@...
____________________________________________________________

For Immediate Release:

Boston’s MELIAH RAGE Reunites and Releases First Studio Album in Over
10 Years on August 24th through Screaming Ferret / Escapi Music

Initial Pressing of Barely Human to Include Bonus Disc Unfinished Business
Featuring Godsmack’s Sully Erna

Boston’s reformed metal heroes MELIAH RAGE are primed to make 2004 truly a
landmark year for the band. Recently having their music featured on an
episode of FOX TV’s hit series The Shield, MELIAH RAGE is following the
success with a brand new studio album, their first in over a decade. The
nine-track sledgehammer of sonic vengeance Barely Human is slated for
release on Screaming Ferret Wreckords in coordination with Escapi Music and
Navarre Distribution on August 24th. A major North American tour will soon
follow.

Guitarist Anthony Nichols, guitarist Jim Koury and bass guitarist Jesse
Johnson, all original members, are joined by new vocalist Paul Souza and
drummer Barry Spillberg (formerly of Wargasm) on Barely Human. Original
vocalist Mike Munro decided not to take part in the Meliah Rage reunion in
order to focus on family. The tracklisting for this monumental release
includes:

Hate Machine Rigid
Invincible
Bloodbath
Barely Human Hell Song
Ungodly Motor
Psycho
Wrong Place, Right Time

Barely Human was produced by Joe Moody and Nichols. Moody also recorded and
mixed the album at Danger Multitrack in Providence, RI. All songs were
written by Nichols and Souza except "The Wrong Place" which was written by
Nichols, Souza and Clark Lush and "Ungodly" which was written by Nichols,
Souza and Spillberg. Nichols completed all musical arrangements and Souza
wrote all lyrics for the album. Bob Mayo, formerly of Wargasm and a one-time
Meliah Rage member, contributes special bass tracks on "Invincible."

A single for the title track “Barely Human”, was recently filmed as a video
on the set of the upcoming horror film God Of Vampires, and is currently
available for download on the Screaming Ferret Wreckords website:
http://www.screamingferret.com/screamingpages/audio-video.php. An MP3 of
the track “Hate Machine” is available here:

http://www.screamingferret.com/sfw_audio/meliahrage_av/Meliah_Rage_Hate_Mach
ine.mp3

As an added bonus, the initial pressing of Barely Human will include a bonus
disc, the previously unreleased album Unfinished Business, which features
performances by Godsmack's Sully Erna on drums. Originally recorded in 1992,
the tracks on Unfinished Business were intended as demos in order to secure
a new record deal, upon the band’s departure from Epic Records.

Formed by Nichols formed in Boston in 1985, Meliah Rage was named for the
Meliah Indians' practice of taking opium to prepare for battle. The original
lineup included Nichols, Koury, Munro, Johnson and drummer Stu Dowie. They
stood out as the only metal band around, since Boston is renowned as a
college town which supported big alternative and hardcore music scenes.
Nichols played briefly with the hardcore icons Gang Green and that
connection led to management and label interest for Meliah Rage. The band
signed with Epic in 1988 and released the debut Kill to Survive. Intense
touring followed and a live EP, Live Kill, was issued in 1989. The second
studio album, Solitary Solitude, was released on Epic in 1990. The changing
musical tide in the early 1990s resulted in Meliah Rage leaving Epic in
1992. The band soldiered on with a new rhythm section consisting of Sully
Erna and bassist Keith Vogele. Erna stayed with the band for 18 months.
Several side projects were pursued but didn't produce, so Meliah Rage
reunited in 1995 with Nichols, Koury and Munro along with Mayo and drummer
Dave Barcos. The album Death Valley Dream appeared in 1996.

Now, Meliah Rage is back again! Despite weathering personnel changes and
changes in the musical tide, the band has endured. Meliah Rage is here to
stay.

Meliah Rage joins a proud group of classic metal bands, like Anvil,
Candlemass, Dismember, and Trouble, who have experienced rejuvenation and
renewed interest through the work and partnership with Screaming Ferret
Wreckords, LLC, & Escapi Music, organizations designed to further expose new
talent and to introduce groundbreaking classics to a new audience.

Upcoming releases from the united labels include Canadian Metal legends
Anvil’s latest slamfest Back To Basics, Texas-based Tearabyte’s new doomfest
Gloom Factory, a reissue of Nuclear Assault drummer Glenn Evans’ rare CIA
release Attitude, Swedish death metal pioneers Dismember’s debut live DVD
Live Blasphemies, doom-rock legends Trouble’s new DVD Live In Stockholm, and
many, many more.

www.meliahrage.com
www.screamingferret.com
www.escapi.com
________________________________________________________

SHOW LISTINGS

Fri, Aug 20: ONE / Diamond Tyr, Exploding Boy, The Fugitives, and Pantara,
(Unkle Roger Tribute Show (www.UnkleRoger.com) at The Penny Arcade,
Rochester

Sat, Aug 21: Haunted by Angels and 605 at The Savoy, Watkins Glen

Sat, Aug 21: Jagermeister's Deja Zoo Tour featuring Dog Fashion Disco, King
Snyder, Tub Ring, and Bad Acid Trip at The Haunt, Ithaca

Sat, Aug 21: Twisted Sister at The Buffalo Bike Blast (Free Show)

Sat, Aug 21: The PushRods, Plan-607, and Pop Shop at Banana Joe's,
Allentown, PA

Sat, Aug 21: Brand New Sin, Breaking Benjamin, and StereoTide at The Steel
Music Hall, Rochester

Sun, Aug 22: The Overground Festival at The Country Pines Inn, 1660 Union
Center Maine Hwy Endicott, NY (With King Snyder, Breaking Benjamin, & more)

Fri, Aug 27: Slayer, Slipknot, Hatebreed, and God Forbid at Darien Lakes

Sat, Aug 28: Sk8Fest 2004 featuring Haunted by Angels at The Hopkins Street
Youth Center, Elmira - (12pm - 9pm -ALL AGES ADMITTED- $5 cover - Skate
competitions all day long. HBA plays at 7pm - Proceeds to benefit the youth
center.)

Sat, Aug 28: The PushRods, Plan-607 & other bands TBA at Sweets On The Beach
(Main street Sylvan Beach ,NY)

Sat, Aug 28: Native Invasion at Club Tundra (formerly The Lost Horizon),5863
Thompson Rd, Syracuse, NY (King Snyder, Brand New Sin, & more)

Fri, Sept 10: Crisis, Soulfly, Ill Nino, and 12 Tribes at The Water Street
Music Hall, Rochester

Sat, Sept 11: Nonetheless and Siir at The Center, Cortland

Fri, Sept 17: Killswitch Engage, 18 Visions, From Autumn to Ashes, and 36
Crazyfists at Club Tundra, Syracuse

Fri, Sept 17: The PushRods, Caustic and River Chicken at The Rock N Roll
Preserve, Utica

Sat, Sept 18: Nonetheless at The Haunt, Ithaca

Mon, Sept 20: Worm Quartet and The Vibrators at Castaways, Ithaca

Fri, Sept 24: Bully and Clutch in Syracuse

Sat, Sept 25: Monster Magnet, Torsos from Space, Bongzilla, and Bully at The
Steel Music Hall, Rochester

Fri, Oct 1: Never The Sunshine and From These Ahses at The Gas Light,
Wellsboro, PA

Sat, Oct 16: Never The Sunshine and From These Ashes at The Savoy, Watkins
Glen

Sat, Oct 23: The 4th annual Moshtoberfest, The Haunt, Ithaca
_______________________________________________________________

Playlist for The Last Exit for the Lost: August 15, 2004
(R) = Requested

Background: Lustmord "Purifying Fire"

Impellitteri "Stand in Line"
Dark at Dawn "Within the Light"
Crimson Glory "Queen of the Masquerade"
Blood for Blood "My Jesus Mercy"
Thrice "Under a Killing Moon"
Amaran "Wraith"
Dope Stars Inc. "Infection 13"
Nonetheless "The 700 of Clubs"
Nonetheless "Seperate"
Nocturne "Dead Sea"
Lotus Project "Storm"
Still Remains "Light Through Skin"
Cradle of Filth "Medusa and Hemlock"
Nonetheless "Down to Feel"
At the Gates "Blinded by Fear"
Omnium Gatherum "Son's Thoughts"
Death "Sacred Serenity"
Morbid Angel "Brainstorm"
The Plank Boys "Skeleton Crew"
Hypocrisy "Fractured Millennium"
Bruce Dickinson "Ghost of Cain"
Amorphis "In the Beginning"
Mercyful Fate "A Dangerous Meeting"
Lotus Project "Nelumbo Lucifera"
Devilinside "34 Months for Nothing"
Danzig "Circle of Snakes"
Hypocrisy "War Within"
Diamond Tyr "Holy War"
Impellitteri "Secret Lover"
Pretty Maids "Virtual Brutality"
Nocturnal Rites "New World Messiah"
Worm Quartet "A Great Idea for a Song"
Sabbat "For Those Who Died" (R)
Cro-Mags 'Days Of Confusion' (R)
InRed "When You Die"
River Chicken "Sharxxx"
Blood For Blood "Runaway"
Cradle Of Filth "Nymphetamine"
Rammstein "Mein Teil"
Monster Magnet "Supercruel"
Axel Rudi Pell "Strong As A Rock"
Borknagar "Traveler"
Tommie Griggz "Top 40"
Only Crime "On Time"
Dope Stars Inc. "Self Destructive Corp."
Sopor Aeturnus and the Ensemble of Shadows "Day of the Dead"
Psychotica "Ice PLanet Hell"
Hollenthon "Korperraum"
Fields of the Nephilim "One More Nightmare (Trees Come Down AD)"
Erben der Schopfung "Niemand kennt den Tod"
Janus "Rorschach"
Mind at Large "Lunkhead"
Sanglus Et Cinis "Secret and Sin"
Welten Brand "The Ghost Without a Head"
November's Doom "Dark Fields of Brilliance"
VNV Nation "Holding On"
_______________________________________________________________

TOP STORIES READ THIS WEEK...

* Autobiography of the Least Interesting Man in America:
According to a 1996 Seattle Times feature, Robert Shields, 77, of
Dayton, Wash., is the author of perhaps the longest personal diary
in history nearly 38 million words on paper stored in 81 cardboard
boxes covering the previous 24 years, in five-minute segments.
Example: July 25, 1993, 7 a.m.: "I cleaned out the tub and
scraped my feet with my fingernails to remove layers of dead
skin." 7:05 a.m.: "Passed a large, firm stool, and a pint of urine.
Used 5 sheets of paper." [Seattle Times, 3-17-96]
_______________________________________________________

* According to a doctor's experience reported in the December
1997 issue of the journal Biological Therapies in Psychiatry, a 35-
year-old female patient receiving a traditional anti-depressant was
switched to bupropion, supposedly just as effective but without her
regular drug's side effect of inhibiting orgasm. "Within one week,
her ability to achieve orgasm and her enjoyment of sex had
returned to normal," the doctor wrote. "After six weeks, however,
she experienced [spontaneously, without physical stimulation] a
three-hour orgasm while shopping." [Biological Therapies in
Psychiatry, December 1997]
___________________________________________________

Lawyers Being Lawyers

* The Times of London reported in 1997 that when an employee of
the James Beauchamp law firm in Edgbaston, England, recently
killed himself, the firm billed his mother the equivalent of
US$20,000 for the expense of finishing up his office work.
Included in that amount was a bill for about US$2,300 to go to his
home to find out why he didn't show up at work (thus finding his
body), plus about US$250 to go to his mother's home, knock on
her door, and tell her that her son was dead. (After unfavorable
publicity, the firm withdrew the bill.) [The Times (London), 3-14-
97]
____________________________________________________

Gone on to Their Just Rewards

* In Dadeville, Ala., in 1999, Mr. Gabel Taylor, 38, who had just
prevailed in an informal Bible-quoting contest, was shot to death
by the angry loser.
____________________________________________________

Man found sleeping with dead cow

Health officials in Romania who were called to investigate a strange smell
of gas by an angry 74-year-old pensioner found he was storing a dead cow in
his living room.

Gyenge Lajos refused to believe that the rotting cow was the cause of the
smell.

He said the cow was his meal ticket for weeks to come, as he cut off a strip
and cooked it every time he was hungry.

The pensioner claimed he had been given the cow by a friend and had started
eating it after waking up one day

and finding it dead.

In the end police in the town of Aita Media had to be called to force Lajos
to part with the cow, and he was cautioned for refusing to let authorities
take it.

A police spokesman told the daily National: "The animal was already in
putrefaction and the old man was telling us he was still eating from it from
time to time and so he wanted to keep it.

"He was really angry when it was taken away."
________________________________________________________

Rasputin's penis still a big draw

Visitors to Russia's only erotic museum are rubbing their hands over a jar
containing Rasputin's penis in the belief it will make them better lovers
and more fertile.

Dr Igor Knyazkin, who runs the museum in St. Petersburg, said: "It's our
biggest attraction but we still don't know where the idea of rubbing their
hands over it came from.

"It's not like we tell people to go and rub Rasputin's jar, and it'll bring
you great fertility, or anything like that.

"I suppose it's just that every person needs something to believe in - in
order to live more peacefully."

The famous Russian's pickled member is proving such a draw that the museum
is planning to move from its current premises - which also doubles up as a
prostatology clinic - to bigger premises.

But Dr Knyazkin added that not everyone who comes to the museum was happy to
see Rasputin's penis, local media reported.

He said: "Some people have got this idea from the Rasputin exhibit that I am
a penis collector of some kind. I get phone calls from people asking how
much I would pay them if they cut their own member off for the museum. In
one horrific case, a man offered me the dissected penis of his dog.

"Once, a pensioner arrived and tried to smash open the jar with the phallus
of Rasputin in it. He was full of rage, shouting that it should be
destroyed, burnt, that it was unholy to keep such a thing."
__________________________________________________________

+----------------- More Bizarre U.S. Laws -----------------+

Connecticut:
In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog.

It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h.,
even when going to a fire.

Delaware:
Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is
carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

Illinois:
In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas.

In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the
opera.

According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The
officially recognized language is "American."

In Gurnee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200
pounds to ride horses in shorts.

In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.

Iowa:
State law forbids any establishment from charging admission
to see a one-armed piano player.

In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15
minutes before attending a fire.
_________________________________________________

----------------- A Waste of a Good Tour -------------------

This happened right in my hometown of Chicago. I'm just
thankful I wasn't taking a ride on the Chicago's Little Lady
architecture tour boat last Sunday afternoon. As the boat
cruised under the Kinzie Street Bridge on the Chicago River,
a load of foul-smelling gunk showered the tourists and
splashed the upper, open deck. Witnesses on the tour spotted
a large black tour bus that was the culprit of the waste-
dumping and some passengers were able to write down partial
license plate numbers of the bus. After the incident, the
boat's captain turned the vessel around so passengers could
return to the dock. "I can only presume that perhaps it's
human waste. There was a very strong smell to it," said Anita
Pedersen, spokeswoman for the tour boat company. The passen-
gers were all given refunds and the boat was thoroughly
cleaned with disinfectant.
__________________________________________________

Man Trips Over Woman; Her Family Eats Him?
Tue Aug 10, 8:10 AM ET

MANILA (Reuters) - A man and his two sons have been arrested on suspicion of
murdering a neighbor and then eating parts of his body after he tripped over
a woman relative at a dance, Philippine police said on Tuesday.

The three men are suspected of stabbing neighbor Benjie Ganoy to death last
month in a remote village in the southwestern island of Palawan. They ate
his ears, tongue and arms after roasting the body over a fire, provincial
police chief Michael Garraez said.

"They stabbed him repeatedly, cut off the man's ears, pulled out his tongue
and ate it," Garraez told Reuters by telephone. He was quoting a sworn
statement by a witness, who said he had been forced to eat some flesh taken
from the victim's arms.

Garraez said there was no tradition of cannibalism in the area.

He said the father had apparently been angry after Ganoy accidentally
tripped over his daughter during a dance party.

Police said the victim disappeared after the dance party on July 17. The
witness led them to the burned body almost a week later.
______________________________________________

600-Pound Woman Dies After Being Surgically Removed From Couch

STUART, Fla. -- A dramatic rescue ended tragically in Stuart, Florida, a
rescue so difficult firefighters say they have never seen anything like it.

It happened late Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning at the home of a
600-pound woman who was having trouble breathing. Rescuers went in not
knowing how difficult it would be to get her out. 40-year-old Gail Grinds
was literally stuck to her couch and had to be removed surgically at the
hospital.

Authorities estimate she had been on the couch anywhere from two to five
years.

Martin County Fire amd Rescue crews faced what seemed to be an impossible
mission. Everyone going inside had to wear protective gear. The stench was
so powerful they had to blast in fresh air.

They tried to cut out the front door, but at four-and-a-half feet wide, it
wouldn't work. They had to cut plywood since a normal stretcher wouldn't do.

An ambulance was too small, so they brought in a trailer to get her out.
While rescue crews came up with a back-door rescue plan, detectives secured
what had become a crime scene, questioning family members about how it got
so bad.

Using planks, they loaded the woman on to the trailer, still attached to the
couch. Removing her would be too painful, since her body is grafted to the
fabric. After years of staying put, her skin has literally become one with
the sofa and it must be surgically removed.

Detectives are investigating whether they have a case of neglect, or if it
is simply a very sad story.

Grinds was taken to the Martin Memorial hospital where doctors removed her
from the couch, but she died in spite of all the attempts to save her life.
___________________________________________________

Creme de la Weird

* In Milwaukee in 1997, Gary Arthur Medrow, 53, was charged
with 24 counts of impersonating a police officer in connection with
his unique obsession. What Medrow does, according to police
(who have arrested him various times over the last 30 years for the
same thing), is telephone a woman and try to convince her to lift
another person in the room and carry her or him a short distance,
sometimes telling the woman that he's a police officer and that it's
an official request. [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, 10-7-97]
______________________________________________________

Least Competent Criminals

* Ronnie Darnell Bell, 30, was arrested in Dallas in 1998 and
charged with attempting, all alone, to rob the Federal Reserve
Bank. (In the movie "Die Hard with a Vengeance," knocking off
the New York Federal Reserve Bank required a small army of men
and truckloads of weapons.) According to police, Bell was
initially confused because there were no tellers, so he handed a
security guard his note, reading, "This is a bank robbery of the
Dallas Federal Reserve Bank, of Dallas, Texas, give me all the
money. Thank you, Ronnie Darnell Bell." The guard pushed a
silent alarm while an oblivious Bell chatted amiably, revealing to
the guard that only minutes earlier he had tried to rob a nearby
Postal Service office but that "they threw me out." [Dallas Morning
News, 2-27-98] .537
______________________________________________________

Thursday, August 12 12:00 AM ET
FROM BBSPOT.com
Computer Intelligence Will Surpass Human Intelligence This Year
By Don Mowbray

Urbana-Champaign, IL - Scientists at the Beckman Institute for Advanced
Science and Technology predict that computer intelligence will surpass human
intelligence by year's end.

Researchers say the event, referred to as the Singularity in cognitive
science circles, is being propelled by two dominant reasons: computers are
becoming increasingly smarter, and humans are becoming increasingly dumber.

"Moore's Law has been remarkably accurate in predicting the steady advances
in hardware processing power over the decades," says Paul Radcliff, a senior
scientist at the Institute. "Algorithmic advances in artificial intelligence
have been easy to predict, too -- they're essentially nonexistent.
Therefore, the primary reason that is accelerating the arrival of the
Singularity ahead of our initial forecasts is the precipitous decline in the
average human intelligence quotient."

"Just look at the state of today's youth, for example. We've got teenagers,
mall rats, and Gen Y-ers that can't even pass the Turing Test. It's a wonder
the Singularity hasn't dawned yet, for crying out loud."

"Unfortunately, this dumbing-down is not limited to the general populace --
even people who we hold in high intellectual esteem are getting dumber,"
said Radcliff. "Take Stephen Hawking's recently recognized screw up about
the Black Hole Information Paradox, for example. What a lunkhead."

Once the Singularity debuts, Radcliff predicts that computers with
superhuman intelligence will be capable of extraordinary feats such as
programming VCRs, balancing multiple credit accounts, and mastering the
butterfly ballot.

Although the evidence is mainly anecdotal, some cognitive scientists argue
that superhuman intelligence has already been engineered. Cyber-Savant, an
artificial intelligence crafted by students at a regional computer camp,
reportedly had an estimated I.Q. of 175. Unfortunately, Cyber-Savant only
managed to communicate in Zen koans and Socratic riddles before a
hemlock-based solvent was 'accidentally' spilled on its motherboard.
__________________________________________________

This is an attempt to get people a little more into what's going on in the
music scene these days. As well as to keep people at least a little
informed about what is going on at our weekly broadcasts of chaos.
Please feel free to send all comments, suggestions, corrections, additions,
and whatever else that might help make this more useful.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might find it
interesting. Bands wanting to submit material for airplay can do so by
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Some parts of this email were cleaned by emailStripper, available for free
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Some Quotes from Ruminations (ruminations-subscribe@...)

Some stories taken from News of the Weird (www.NewsoftheWeird.com) and
Bizarre News (www.bizarrenews.com). Go to their sites to subscribe to their
weekly e-mails filled with such real news stories... Other stories from
http://www.ananova.com. Also, some parody stories have come from
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/, http://theonion.com/, and
http://www.infernalcombustion.com/. Other sources noted where applicable...