The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - January 21, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Metallic Onslaught - 89.7FM Geneva, NY - Friday's 9pm - 2am Eastern Time
http://devoted.to/onslaught - www.weos.org
Request Line: (315) 781-3897

The Last Exit for the Lost - Saturday's at Midnight till 6am Sunday -
Eastern Time
WVBR 93.5 FM / East Hill 105.5 FM - Ithaca, NY
www.TheLastExit.org - www.WVBR.Com
Request Line: (607) 273-2121
E-mail Requests during the show to: LastExit@...

Chat Room during The Last Exit:
http://pub6.bravenet.com/chat/show.php?usernum=450982834&cpv=1
_________________________________________________

** Recaps from Fire Eater Wizard **

On The Metallic Onslaught: Shoebox... Well, after his shock appearance the
week before, he, of course, went back to being not there. What else did you
really expect?? They took bets on how long it will be before he shows up
again, and I'd like to give mine as well... Since he tripled my last
expectation (I had predicted 6 to 8 weeks, and he took 6 months), well, if
he does that again, then it will be a year and a half... However, I will not
be that pessimistic, (or perhaps to some on MO this would be an optimistic
prediction) :) and I will bet three and a half months. I'm not sure what,
if anything, the one who gets it right, or comes the closest, will win for
this feat, but there you have it anyways. :) (Lance bet 6 months, Jeffie
bet 4 Months, btw, as for the rest, they did not give any bets that I heard,
but, there are ours, for the record.) Despite the fact that the week before
Jeffie had said that he had made Shoebox leave and go home, this week, when
he arrived, he accused them of making the show suck by driving away all of
the entertaining guests. He said that they had made Shoebox go home crying
because they were so mean to him. They told Jeffie that he hated Shoebox,
but he said that he liked Shoebox, and that the rest of them sucked. (I'm
pretty sure that they reciprocate this sentiment.) Jeffie then went on to
say that, while he had been on sabbatical, (his brief flirtation with
retirement), he had learned that he had not been going about being hardcore
in the correct way, that while it may have been the right way for most
people, that he is not most people, (oh, truer words were never spoken! That
may be the most correct, if not the only correct, thing that Jeffie's ever
said). So, he said that he had learned a new style that would now make him
truly hardcore, which he might have to demonstrate on Lance later... He then
said that he had something for Lance, well, something that Shoebox had left
for Lance... It was footage... Footage of Shoebox rubbing his naked asscrack
on the door handle of Lance's new car and gloating about it. Lance asked
Jeffie why he had let Shoebox do this. Jeffie asked Lance why wouldn't he
let him do this, it was cool. Lance and Jeffie got into a brawl. Jeffie
claimed that during this brawl, Lance was bouncing on him and riding him
around like a horsy whispering, "Giddy up Jeffie!", in his ear. Jeffie said
that it had been quite disturbing. Lance vehemently denied this, but Joe and
Rick, who had been giving commentary, did say that it looked "dirty!", and
like man love. So... Joe and Rick both joined in on this brawl (not the man
love part of it, but the beat down part). :) After it was over, Jeffie
said that he was going to reveal his new hardcore strategy... He brought out
a barbed wire wrapped baseball bat. But it was all down hill for Jeffie from
there. First he kept injuring himself with the bat. Sitting down on it and
getting it caught in his leg. Then Lance tried to take it from him and the
barbed wire went into Jeffie's nipple, whereupon Lance twisted it. Joe said
that he would come and help Jeffie remove the barbed wire from himself, but,
somehow, for some strange reason, all Joe's helpful efforts on Jeffie's
behalf only seemed to result in Jeffie getting barbed wired some more. Then,
at the next talk break, Jeffie sat down on the bat, and so now had barbed
wire in his ass. He read some stories that way. Then he got it out, (got the
bat out of his ass, that is, not what you might think that meant, if you
have a dirty mind!) :) but he and lance got into another brawl with it.
Joe and Rick participated in this brawl too. Jeffie got barbed wire raked
across his face, in his hair, and, then, stuck in his head. He was asking
them to help get the barbed wire out of his head, but they turned out the
lights, closed the door, and left him there. The show ended with Jeffie
calling for them to come back and help him remove the barbed wire from his
head. So, who knows, maybe he's still there... I think he needs to find
another strategy for being hard core, as this one was a complete and utter
miserable failure for him...

On The Last Exit: Crow and Ritchie of The Pushrods were both there. So were
Ian The Yeti, and The Penguin. The theme of throwing people in the snow
continued. The Penguin was being annoying and obnoxious (her usual self,
that is), so they had Just Joe force her outside and toss her in the snow
(Crow helped). Well, Penguins are at home in and like snow, don't they?
While this brawl was going on, The Penguin in her struggles, only managed to
wind up in compromising possessions with just Joe. She was extremely
traumatized by this (of course she was, who wouldn't be!), and tried to deny
that they had ever taken place. (I'm sure there is documentary proof,
though, unfortunately for her!) Then Ritchie was trying to perform some
songs, and, while he was, someone goosed him and was touching him in other
suggestive ways. He thought and hoped it was the Penguin, but then
discovered the nightmare truth... It was Just Joe! Oh, the horror! The
inhumanity! Ritchie tried to be brave and perform another song, but he just
couldn't get through it due to Just Joe's further distractions. So Azkath
told Ritchie to just perform some instrumental Just Joe beat down theme
music, as he was going to give Just Joe one long severe brutal beating as JJ
had been provoking him all night and he had been storing up the beating that
was about to take place. Ritchie was only too happy to comply with this. He
supplied the musical accompaniment and one terrific prolonged brawl ensued.
Just Joe emerged battered but, of course, still alive. No matter how hard
they try, he just doesn't have the decency to die and stay dead. Ritchie
did manage to perform some songs which were funny as always. The Yeti wanted
him to perform the theme to The Love Boat. Ritchie did sing a bit of it, and
so now Ritchie is Ian's hero and Ian seems to have appointed himself
Ritchie's protector. I'm not so sure if that would be a good thing for
Ritchie or not. :) The band King Snyder were on for an interview. They
brought their new CD, and all three tracks from it were played. It sounded
great. And they told us about themselves, their music, and upcoming
concerts. They have not been on LE for about a year and a half, and it was
good to hear from them again. And thus went last weeks show. This week,
Ritchie should be back, and who knows who/what else... Still no word on
what, if any progress has been made in trying to bring about an apocalypse
by combining a repaired Wheel Of Satan, with the newly found Keys To The
Apocalypse. Perhaps we will hear more about that. Who knows? but silliness
and craziness are always in store so be sure to tune in for the fun and
music...

*************************************************

News from Azkath...

Ok, some new stuff on the website, nothing major, most notable is I have
expanded the weekly pic section, and will continue to add to it. There is a
link to the Last Exit MySpace page as well. More stuff coming soon... Oh,
and in GorGar needs to stop being so damned Hardcore news, apparently, he
felt JUST breaking his neck was not enough, now he has healed wrong! So NOW
he gets a neck brace as well. Apparently we need to make him a title so he
will stop proving how hardcore he is... Enough already...
__________________________________________________

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

EVENT: HARDCORE VS. HELLMIRA
DATE: Saturday & Sunday, January 29th & 30th, 2005
TIME: 8pm-1am on Saturday / 4pm-9pm on Sunday
LOCATION: Gush's Thirsty Bear - Corner of Washington & Grand Central Ave.
Elmira, NY
ADMISSION: $5 each day, Ages 21 and up on Saturday / All ages on Sunday
SATURDAY BANDS: Indirect Threat, King Snyder, Superdrive, and Ruination
SUNDAY BANDS: Indirect Threat, King Snyder, Iron Core, and Ruination

ADDITIONAL INFO: No matter their age, fans of hard rock, metal, and
hardcore will have their sonic appetites satisfied by two days of loud,
fast, hard-hitting live music performed by the area's top local bands.
On
Saturday, January 29th and Sunday, January 30th, Gush's Thirsty Bear in
Elmira, NY will host HARDCORE VS. HELLMIRA featuring Elmira's own
Indirect
Threat, King Snyder, Superdrive, Iron Core, and (from Cortland, NY)
Ruination.

There will be CD give-a-ways with newly recorded music from all the
bands
performing. As well as t-shirt give-a-ways, food, and refreshments. New
DVDs from Indirect Threat and Iron Core (recorded live at The Haunt on
January 15th by Scott Bullock and Rick Erikson) will be available for
purchase as well as new CDs from King Snyder and Ruination (recorded in
December 2004 by Matt Barnes at Ultimate Studios in Cortland, NY).

Don't miss Elmira's biggest metal show of 2005!
__________________________________________________
--------- METAL UPDATE ---------
-- http://www.metalupdate.com --

The Metal Update will deliver a weekly report to your email inbox. To
sign up, go to MetalUpdate.com and click the SUBSCRIBE! link. The Metal
Update is free.

This week's Metal Update went out to over 15,640 subscribers.

-- NEWS --

MORBID ANGEL
Original vocalist and bassist David Vincent has rejoined Morbid Angel. The
band is planning to begin a series of tours, starting with a U.S. trek
with Soulfly, then on to Europe in March.

SHADOWS FALL
Vocalist Brian Fair will be filling in as host of Headbangers Ball for two
episodes, airing January 29th and February 5th. The band will shoot a
video for "Inspiration on Demand" in Puerto Rico at the end of the month
with director Zach Merck. Shadows Fall will be touring in Australia, Japan
and Korea throughout February, then returning to the States to begin their
trek with Slipknot and Lamb of God in March.

OVERKILL
2005 marks the 20th anniversary of Overkill signing their first record
deal. Their 14th full-length studio album will be entitled, "ReliXIV," and
is set for a March 22nd release through Eagle Rock/Spitfire Records.

SIX FEET UNDER
On January 13th, vocalist Chris Barnes successfully underwent knee
surgery. According to a post on the Six Feet Under website he planned to
have his doctor videotape the surgery and will be posting the footage on
the site.

STRATOVARIUS
Stratovarius has announced that their classic line up of Timo Tolkki, Timo
Kotipelto, Jorg Michael, Jarl Kainufainen, and Jens Johansson is
reuniting. They report that Timo Tolkki's health has been improving
following his breakdown last April, and the band is currently working on
new material.

NAGLFAR
Century Media Records has signed Naglfar to a new worldwide multi-album
contract. Vocalist Jens Rydén is departing the band; current bassist
Kristoffer Olivius will take over frontman duties, and Morgan Lie will
take over bass duties at the start of their planned European tour with
Fintroll in April. Their new album, tentatively titled Pariah is currently
being recorded in the band's hometown at Ballerina Studios, the same
studio where they recorded their previous two records. The album is
scheduled for a spring release.

MAYHEM
Mayhem has been nominated for a Norwegian Grammy Award. The awards show
will take place on February 26th. The other nominees in the metal category
are Enslaved and Black Debbath.

AKERCOCKE
Guitarist Paul Scanlan is leaving the band. Akercocke will continue to
write their new album following his departure.

THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN / GOD FORBID
On Thursday, January 20th, 100 bands will perform live in a single day at
various Virgin Megastore locations to raise money to aid the Tsunami
relief effort. The Dillinger Escape Plan and God Forbid will be among the
bands performing at the Times Square, NYC store.

KILLSWITCH ENGAGE / UNEARTH
Vocalist Howard Jones came down with laryngitis before the January 9th
show in Mississauga, Ontario and was unable to perform. Unearth vocalist
Trevor Phipps stepped up to the mic in his place.

NEW SIGNINGS
Century Media Records: Despised Icon
Earache Records: With Passion
Robotic Empire: Pink Razors
Valhalla Records: Pain Control, Stranglehold, Deeds


FOR MORE NEWS GO TO:
http://www.metalupdate.com

-- HELP WANTED --

GUITARIST wanted - Bowel Erosion seeks brutal, sick minded guitarist to
complete line up. Must be willing to contribute to the writing process,
travel and perform live. Debut album to be released in early 2005 through
Inherited Suffering Records. Must be near, or willing to travel to
Spartanburg, SC to rehearse. Must have pro attitude and equipment. Contact
bowelerosion@...

BASSIST wanted - Established NYC Heavy Metal band looking for fierce
Bassist to add to the power of this original female fronted band . . . Our
musical influences include: Iced Earth, Ozzy/Sabbath/Dio, King
Diamond/Mercyful Fate, Pantera, Slayer, Arch Enemy, Crisis, Metallica,
Megadeth, & Early Savatage. For more information, email:
forsakkenmetal@...

GUITARIST wanted - Las Vegas Thrash band Avenger of Blood seeks new
guitarist to fill a vacating spot. Must be able to play leads well and
have a good image. We are highly influenced by Sodom, Kreator, Destruction
and Slayer. We have tours lined up and an album being released in
February. If interested, please contact shannon@...

VOCALIST wanted - Lincoln, Nebraska based metal band, Pain Theory, is
currently holding auditions for vocalists. We will help the right person
relocate.
Interested people should e-mail us at contact@...
___________________________________________________________

NEWS FROM HARDCORE GORGAR...

BLACK N BLUE PREPARE FOR EARLY 2005 MAYHEM!

The release of Black n Blue's long awaited "Hell Yeah!" is drawing
closer. The band will finish the remaining work on the album during
March in Portland OR, The album is currently set for a late April /
early May release. Watch this space for more details over the coming
weeks.

The following message has been posted at the official JON OLIVA's PAIN
website (www.jonoliva.net): "It is with an extremely heavy heart that we at
jonoliva.net announce the passing of DAWN OLIVA on Tuesday, January 11,
2005. Dawn was found in her home yesterday afternoon by family members. As
most of you know, since Criss' passing Dawn has had a difficult time with
his loss. May Dawn now finally be at peace and with Criss by her side once
again. God bless you Dawn!" Criss Oliva passed away in October, 1993 after
being struck head-on by a drunk driver. Dawn survived the crash but was left
with severe injuries.
_____________________________________________________

Playlist for The Last Exit for the Lost: January 16, 2004
(R) = Requested

Background: Nox Arcana "Darklore Manor"

In Slaughter Natives "You are the Dead"
Cryptic Wintermoon "A Coming Storm"
3 Inches of Blood "Premonition of Pain"
The Pushrods "Treat Her Like a Hooker - Live"
Frantic Bleep "Curtainraiser"
Jon Oliva's Pain "The Dark"
Slayer "Gemini" (R)
Others "If I'm Smilin'"
Black Label Society "Death March"
Agnostic Front "Fall of the Parasite"
Kreator "Dying Race Apocalypse"
Empyrean Sky "Peak of the Fall"
Judas Priest "Painkiller" (R)
Cryptic Wintermoon "Nightcrawler"
Pushrods "Help Me Dr. Phil - Live Acoustic"
ICP "Piggie Pie" (R)
Dark Throne "Information Wants to be Syndicated" (R)
Behemoth "The Nephilim Rising"
Agathodaimon "Solitude"
Megadeth "Rust in Peace... Polaris" (R)
The Pushrods "She was 19, He was 40 - Live Acoustic"

**MySpace Pic of the Week**
Sirius Rising "Yes It's True"

Dark Tranquility "Out of Nothing"
Vanitas "Kontrollverlust"
Worm Quartet "Shoebox vs America / Strap-On Brain"
Coffee Inc. "Ricki Lake"
The Pushrods "Tie Me Up - Live Acoustic"
The Pushrods "Halloween Girl"
Lilitu "Even the Vultures Have Moved On (A Tragic Love Story)"
Robot Goes Here "Monument to the (N+1)th International"
Chris Caffery Edge of Darkness"
Six "The Only Ones"
The Pushrods "Lonliness - Live Acoustic"
Slunt "The Best Thing Not About You"
Necromis "Stand and Die"
Olemus "Dead Heart Goddess"
King Snyder "When A Demon Grows Wings"
Dog Fashion Disco "Baby Satan - Live"
King Snyder "1975"
King Snyder "Ghost in the River"
Divinity Destroyed "Void - Live"
If Man is Five "Choking on the Past"
Matriarch "Avalonia"
Clutch "Binge and Purge" (R)
The Pushrods "You're Lucky I Don't Own a Gun - Live Acoustic"
Exodus "Blacklist" (R)
Death Angel "Prophecy"
Kreator "World Anarchy"
Tristania "Cure"
Todesbonden "Dark Horns"

** Tribute to the Past Set **
Orphaned Land "Whisper My Name when You Dream"
Kiss "Cold Gin - Live"
Pretty Boy Floyd "Rock 'n Roll's Gonna Set the World on Fire"
Rage "Supersonic Hydromatic"

Buried Inside "Chronoclast"
__________________________________________________

SHOW LISTINGS

Fri, Jan 21: If Man is Five, Anterabe, Marathon, and Fire When Ready at Club
Ra Nelle’s, Binghamton (6PM, All Ages, $5)

Fri, Jan 21: Dog Fashion Disco, King Snyder, Indirect Threat, and Catatonik
at The Haunt, Ithaca

Sat, Jan 22: Walls Of Jericho, Bury Your Dead, Full Blown Chaos, and
Premonitions Of War at The Icon, Buffalo

Tues, Jan 25: The Pushrods at The Bug Jar, Rochester

Wed, Jan 26: The Pushrods, The Actual Facts, Ready Set Fall, and The Donger
at Castaways, Ithaca

Wed, Feb 9: 18 Visions, Emery, Remembering Never, Inferis, and Misery
Signals at The Icon, Buffalo

The Last BOILER Show Ever will of course be @ The Haunt - Ithaca, NY.
Friday, Feb. 11 - $5 / 18+ / 10:00pm
There will be no opening bands. BOILER will play 2 sets.

Sun, Feb 13: Crowbar and Entombed at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Fri, Jan 21: King Snyder, Dog Fashion Disco, Indirect Threat, and Catatonik
at The Haunt, Ithaca (9pm/Ages 18+/$7)

Fri, Feb 25: Suffocation and Behemoth at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Fri, Jan 28: Ruination, King Snyder, and Indirect Threat at Donna’s Place,
Cortland

Monday March 7th - The Sports Bars
State St. Binghamton N.Y.13905
M.A.D. Muzak Presents
"Others" 3rd yr Anniverary Party - Fan Appreciation
with Special Guests
The Lurking Corpses - http://www.thelurkingcorpses.com
the Mofo's - http://www.mofosonlone.com
2 for 1 drinks Specials
FREE CD FOR THE FIRST 50 PAID THROUGH THE DOOR!

"Others - Live for the UnDead"
$5.00 / 18 & up / doors 7:30pm first band 8pm

band page: http://www.soundclick.com/others

Tues, April 5: Soilwork, Dark Tranquility, Hypocrisy, and Mnenic at The
Icon, Buffalo

Thurs, May 12: Kreator, Death Angel, Vader, and If Hope Dies at The Penny
Arcade, Rochester

_______________________________________________

Top Stories of the Week

* Scenes of the Surreal: (1) In November, the mind reader, The
Amazing Kreskin, wrote to the acting governor of his home state of
New Jersey that he wanted to help the state shed its image of
unethical deals and thus volunteered to sit in government meetings
and identify which officials are secretly up to no good. (2) Stephen
J. Marks, 47, was driving in morning traffic on November 3 near
Nashville, Tenn., wearing a ski mask and gloves, though the
temperature was in the 60s, and an alarmed citizen called police.
However, Marks demonstrated that he has a medical condition that
necessitates his wearing a ski mask except when the temperature is
above 80.
______________________________________________________

* Zimbabwe, facing a severe food shortage, is considering an
unlikely program to bring rich foreign visitors to the country,
according to a government announcement in November. The
information minister proposed an "obesity tourism strategy," in
which overweight visitors (especially Americans) would be
encouraged to "vacation" in Zimbabwe and "provide labor for
[government-confiscated] farms in the hope of shedding weight."
Americans, the proposal noted, spend $6 billion a year on "useless"
dieting aids and could be encouraged to work off pounds and then
flaunt "their slim bodies on a sun-downer cruise on the Zambezi
[River]."
______________________________________________________

* Mr. Mount Lee Lacy, 21, was arrested for animal cruelty after his
girlfriend's mother sent police to his apartment in Gainesville, Fla.
Lacy's aggressive mastiff kept the officers at bay momentarily, but
once inside, police noticed another dog, a Jack Russell terrier, that
had a bloody paw, and eventually Lacy cheerfully told them that he
routinely bit the dog. According to a police sergeant, "[Lacy] said
that biting the dog was good punishment and that's how you train
them, that dogs bite [and] so that's what they understand."
____________________________________________________

* Criminals who accidentally leave identification at the scene of
the crime are (according to News of the Weird) "no longer weird,"
but it was nevertheless remarkable that on the night of November
4, in Rapid City, S.D., two burglary suspects, in separate incidents,
left ID behind. Both of them, Daniel P. Ader, 25, and Brian W.
Crawford, 26, had apparently removed their pants, for different
reasons, leaving their wallets. (Evidence suggested that the reason
Crawford had removed his pants, after breaking in to a law office,
was to photocopy his genitals on the office copy machine.)
____________________________________________________

+---------- Bizarre Excuses for Calling in Sick -----------+

[These are actual excuses workers gave for missing work.]

* I was sprayed by a skunk.

* I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

* My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

* I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

* I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

* I couldn't find my shoes.

* I hurt myself bowling.

* I was spit on by a venomous snake.

* I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

* A hit man was looking for me.

* My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hair-
dresser.

* I eloped.

* My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

* My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

* I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

* I forgot what day of the week it was.

* Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
_____________________________________________

-------------------- Famous Last Words ---------------------

OVIEDO, Fla. - Talk about timing. Right after a Presbyterian
minister uttered the words "And when I go to heaven..."
during his sermon, he collapsed and died at the pulpit. The
Rev. Jack Arnold, 69, was at the end of his sermon Sunday at
Covenant Presbyterian Church when he suddenly grabbed onto
the podium before falling to the floor. Several parishioners
with medical backgrounds tried to revive Arnold and
paramedics were called, but he appeared to die instantly.
Before Arnold collapsed, he quoted Bible scholar John Wesley
who said, "Until my work on this earth is done, I am
immortal. But when my work for Christ is done...I go to be
with Jesus."
____________________________________________

--------------- He's Really Using His Head -----------------

OMAHA - An Omaha man is using eBay to sell the use of his
forehead to prospective advertisers. Andrew Fischer, 20,
said he was "leasing" his forehead to the highest bidder for
30 days. "I'm basically going to be a billboard for 30 days,"
he said. By Sunday, Fischer had had about 30 bidders and
dozens of questions. As of midday Monday, the high bid was
$10,100. "In some ways it's just a logical extension of
what we've already been exposed to," said Jonna Holland, a
marketing professor at the University of Nebraska at Omaha.
"The key is to do something that pushes the envelope ...
that someone is creative to get the consumer to notice the
message and break through the clutter.
_____________________________________________

------------ Burglars Prefer Popcorn and Porn --------------

SPRINGFIELD, Vt. - Police are on the lookout for the
suspects responsible for a break in at a social service
agency's office. According to Marie Saunders, director of
the local Council on Aging, the burglars didn't make off
with money or confidential files. Instead, they made them-
selves at home. The intruders cooked up some microwave
popcorn, courtesy of one of the desk drawers, and viewed
internet porn via an office computer. At this time the
suspects are still at large, but this goes to show you that
these lawbreakers just needed a little "Me" time.
_____________________________________________

+-------------- Bizarre Courtroom Testimony ---------------+

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.
______________________________________________

------- Speaker Turns Students On To Exotic Dancing --------

SAN FRANCISCO - A speaker at a middle school's annual career
day gave an hour-long talk entitled "The Secret of a Happy
Life." The secret, however, was one that parents and teachers
weren't expecting. The guest speaker, William Fried, told
the attentive eighth-graders at Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle
School that stripping - or exotic dancing - could be a good
career choice. He mentioned that strippers can make $250,000
a year or more, and the exact amount of income is propor-
tional to the dancer's bust size! He went on to say, "The
truth of the matter is you can earn a tremendous amount of
money as an exotic dancer, if that's your desire." Fried
shouldn't be surprised if he's not invited back to the school
next year to give another "informative" talk.
_____________________________________________

--------- Well, It Probably Helped Him Run Faster ----------

WEST MEMPHIS, Ark. - You may not give a second glance to a
man taking a late-night jog. However, you'd do a double take
if said man is going for his run in the nude. Police in
the West Memphis area have received numerous reports of a
man jogging in the nude over the past few months. They
finally think they have gotten their suspect in custody.
Fate Patterson was arrested after running past a police car
and not stopping when ordered by officers. He gave chase but
was finally stopped by police and their tasers. According to
Mike Allen, assistant chief of the West Memphis police
department, it is still unknown why Patterson ran around
nude. Allen said, "You know, this one has just got me kind
of speechless."
________________________________________________

-------- Naked Woman Spreads Message of Repentance ---------

OREM, Utah - Meandering naked in public seems to be popular
this week. Here's a story about one Utah woman's method to
get the public's attention. She arrived at the local post
office to pick up her mail, wearing nothing but her boots
and glasses. While there, she told the patrons that they
needed to repent. Police stopped her as she began driving
away. She repeated her declaration of repentance and was
then taken into custody. The woman was sent to a local
hospital for psychiatric evaluation. I wonder if anyone
took her advice seriously...
_________________________________________________

* Those Hardy Floridians: Rudolph Jessie Hicks, Jr., 30, was
arrested in Brooksville, Fla., for trespass, but not before he had
gotten up from a police dog takedown, five Taser shots, and an
entire can of pepper spray (December). And police in Port St.
Lucie, Fla., were considering whether to charge Ms. Robin Bush,
who strangled a 130-lb. Rottweiler after it would not let go of her
tiny Yorkie (December). And a 20-year-old man suffered only
minor injuries after driving his car through a fifth-floor wall of a
parking garage and landing inside the second floor of a store at the
Shoppes of Sunset Place in South Miami (December).
____________________________________________________

* More Things To Worry About: (1) Police in Denton, Tex.,
arrested two teenagers in October and charged them with robbing
two visitors who were passing through town from Montana; the
victims said they were on their way to Baton Rouge, La., because
they needed money and had read on the Internet that a medical
school would pay $100,000 for testicles.
____________________________________________________

* Super-Tolerant People: A St. Paul Pioneer Press reporter,
interviewing neighbors of the people who shared a St. Croix Falls,
Wis., home that was condemned after being overrun with 450 cats,
found that most neighbors had failed to notice the house's putrid
smell. Several said that the awful odor from the neighborhood's
fish hatchery and the awful odor of the neighborhood's sewage
treatment plant probably overrode the awful odor of the house.
____________________________________________________

* A 39-year-old man in Chillicothe, Ohio, was hospitalized in
December after an unsuccessful suicide attempt that accidentally
blew his own house to pieces and did heavy damage to neighboring
homes. The man had turned on the natural gas to kill himself, but
then realized that other houses might be in danger, and just as he
dashed to the basement to turn off the electricity, the house
exploded (probably from an electrical spark) and was leveled. A
month before, the man had tried to kill himself with automobile
exhaust and a garden hose, but his car ran out of gas before he
could die, and he then hooked up a propane tank for the same
purpose, but once again, he outlived his fuel supply.
___________________________________________________

* Readers' Choice: Paul Eugene Levengood, owner of the Tasty
Flavors Sno Biz dessert shop in the Chattanooga, Tenn., suburb of
Red Bank, was charged with two counts of sexual battery in
November when two 19-year-old female employees said he had
occasionally spanked them for workplace errors (for example, once
for forgetting to put a banana into a smoothie drink). A defensive
Levengood pointed out that the women had each signed a form, "I
give Gene permission to bust my behind any way he sees fit."
Police found at the store many photographs of women's posteriors,
even though a Sno Biz executive called Levengood a "very
Christian person."
__________________________________________________

This is an attempt to get people a little more into what's going on in the
music scene these days. As well as to keep people at least a little
informed about what is going on at our weekly broadcasts of chaos.
Please feel free to send all comments, suggestions, corrections, additions,
and whatever else that might help make this more useful.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might find it
interesting. Bands wanting to submit material for airplay can do so by
sending it to Aethyric Productions, Po Box 224, Ovid, Ny 14521-0224.

And e-mail us your show dates to add to the list above...

Some parts of this email were cleaned by emailStripper, available for free
from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm
Some Quotes from Ruminations (ruminations-subscribe@...)

Some stories taken from News of the Weird (www.NewsoftheWeird.com) and
Bizarre News (www.bizarrenews.com). Go to their sites to subscribe to their
weekly e-mails filled with such real news stories... Other stories from
http://www.ananova.com. Also, some parody stories have come from
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/, http://theonion.com/, and
http://www.infernalcombustion.com/. Other sources noted where applicable...