The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - March 4, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Metallic Onslaught - 89.7FM Geneva, NY - Friday's 9pm - 2am Eastern Time
http://devoted.to/onslaught - www.weos.org
Request Line: (315) 781-3897

The Last Exit for the Lost - Saturday's at Midnight till 6am Sunday -
Eastern Time
WVBR 93.5 FM / East Hill 105.5 FM - Ithaca, NY
www.TheLastExit.org - www.WVBR.Com
Request Line: (607) 273-2121
E-mail Requests during the show to: LastExit@...

Chat Room during The Last Exit:
http://pub6.bravenet.com/chat/show.php?usernum=450982834&cpv=1
_________________________________________________

** Recaps by Fire Eater Wizard **

On The Metallic Onslaught: Although everyone on MO hoped that Jeffie's
absence would continue for another week, as there was no Pushrod's concert
last week for him to be at, thus, he was back. He said after he had said
that he was God the last time he was there, he had learned that Satanists
believe that they are God, so, he had concluded that he was now a Satanist.
He said that he had brought with him something with which he would
demonstrate and prove this... He said that it would require a sacrifice, and
he decided that he would sacrifice Lance... He attacked Lance and they
brawled, and Jeffie carried Lance away. At the next break, he said that the
sacrifice had been successfully completed. Lance seemed to be fine, if
mildly uncomfortable. But Jeffie said that he had sacrificed him and that
soon a horrible monster would appear and eat Joe's head because of this. He
had brought with him a book of spells to conjure up monsters. Lance took the
book. Then Lance did a long death metal number (with the lyrics apparently
coming from the book) with Jeffie accompanying him on the purple slide
whistle. Joe told Lance that he was disbanding their band and all their
projects. However, at the final talk break, he said that he was consulting
with his lawyers to reform the band. Ah, those temperamental crazy musician
types! At the end of the night no monster had yet appeared. Jeffie was
puzzled by this, and said that he must need to sacrifice Lance again. The
show ended with Jeffie attempting to do this, and Lance freaking out, and he
and Lance brawling as a consequence. And, before this final brawl began, we
learned that Joe, Rick, and Lance would be absent the next week as they
would be attending a concert. So, apparently, the show will once again be
Jeffie's this week. He said that he would bring Just Joe along again if he
could find him, and who knows what else will go on. So, tune in for that!

On The Last Exit For The Lost: For the first time in about three or four
months, there was absolutely no Pushrods representation whatsoever on the
show. Yes, they were all absent. Just Joe was back. In the first part of the
show, some guests were briefly there. Michelle, (she who had brought the
phallic cigarette lighter and molested Just Joe with it a few weeks back),
and Ken. They were there for a few minutes, talked a bit, and then said they
had to be going. Unfortunately, The Punch Drunk Monkeys were unable to make
it to the show. But Mr. Zaremba did call in to talk about their upcoming
concert. Saturday, March 5th, they will be on a show with Alabama Thunder
Pussy and Gwar! It's at The Magic City Music Hall in Johnson City and will
be really something! I mean, Alabama Thunder Pussy, Gwar, and Punch Drunk
Monkeys complete with Crappy The Clown! What more needs to be said!? For
Just Joe's challenge that week... Azkath said that he had finally finished
his work trying to combine The Wheel Of Satan with The Keys To The
Apocalypse, and that he wanted Just Joe to plug it in as he was not sure
what would happen when it was plugged in, and, thus, wanted Just Joe to do
it in case it exploded or something. Since Just Joe is stupid, this deal was
fine with him. He plugged it in... And a couple of things happened. First of
all, there was a loud screech, then a weird distorted echo. Also, the thing
started playing The Teletubbies again. The echo distorted everything, The
Teletubbies, and everyone who was talking. Just Joe thought that The
Teletubbies were fine and exactly what the wheel was supposed to do. He kept
insisting this, in fact. But Azkath told him to kick the thing, and,
although, he resisted, he finally did. And the thing started making the old
familiar sound of The Wheel Of Satan, although, the echo was still there.
Then, a count down display appeared, which appeared to be set for three
weeks from then. So, who knows, apparently, according to this, something big
should happen then. We shall all have to wait and see. In the meantime, the
thing was consigned to the basement 'til the big day, so that the echo
(which they could not get to stop) could not be heard. And so that was the
show. This week, the first portion of the show may be a recorded piece, as
the crew may be attending that above mentioned big concert of Alabama
Thunder Pussy, Punch Drunk Monkeys and Gwar. If so, the recorded portion
will be for the first hour or two, and the live portion will begin when they
get back from the concert. And then who knows who will be there and what
will happen. Tune in and see...

*********************************************************
News from Azkath...

Ken, who is mentioned above, brought me a shirt that he made for me. Damned
cool. See the pic on the website. We must now come up with something
special for Ken. The Last Exit will be on as usual, no pre-recording this
week, decided to forego the GWAR show for various reasons. We should have
Crow from the Pushrods up this week, no idea if Ritchie will accompany him.
Other than that, no idea who will be up.

As for The Metallic Onslaught, Lance and Rick may be off to see Atreyu, but
Joe has decided he will NOT let Jeffie do the show, so it may be the Jeffie
and Joe show tonight... That should be... Something...
_____________________________________________

WORM QUARTET UPDATE AND BLATANT PLUG - 2/25/05

Hey Kids!

Been far too long, hasn't it? I've been busy as hell lately
doing the whole "fatherhood" thing and the whole "working
late hours" thing and occasionally dabbling in the whole
"sleeping" thing, so I haven't had much time lately to drop
any ASCII at you guys. Anyway, here's some friggin' stuff:

WORM QUARTET / SUDDEN DEATH COLLABORATION AVAILABLE
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Okay, homies and homettes...presenting at long last the
first-ever recorded collaboration between me and rap dementia
semi-legend Sudden Death, "Inner Voice!" Go forth to
www.wormquartet.com and click on "Music" to check it out!
Feel the love! Feel the genius! Feel the total lack of my
involvement in the music! Feel the forthcoming dominance of
the Dr. Demento Funny Five! Muhahahhahahahahahaaaaaa!!

WARNING: Yes, this is a rap song. Sorry. But it's funny as
hell anyway, so shut up.

WORM QUARTET PERFORMING ALL OVER THE DAMNED PLACE NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
March 4-6, 2005 - Bloomington, MN
MARSCON 2005

Worm Quartet will be performing along with The Great Luke
Ski, Sudden Death, Tony Goldmark, Eric Coleman, the Nick
Atoms, and Raymond and Scum!! This is a major comedy
music event, kiddies! Fly your ass out to Minnesota and
check it out! The hotel's within driving distance of
both the Spam museum and the world's biggest ball of
twine...what more could you want?!?

Other guests of honor include Jeremy Bulloch, Richard Herd,
Timothy Zahn, and Stephanie Gannaway-Osborn.

More info at http://www.marscon.org/

--

March 12th, 2005 - Auburn, NY
WORM QUARTET
Plus more TBA

@ A Novel Idea
10 Seminary St.
Auburn, NY
5:00 PM

This is the last-ever show at "A Novel Idea" and Worm
Quartet is headlining, dammit! It's a tiny venue but the
shows here have always been a lot of fun...this is the
only place in which there's ever been a circle pit for
"Pac-Man Is Naked And So Should You."

--

April 2nd, 2005 - Alfred, NY
WORM QUARTET
Plus one more band TBA

@ Alfred University
the Nevins Theatre in Powell Campus Centre
Alfred, NY

10:00 PM - Free Admission

--

April 22-24, 2005 - Novi, MI
PENGUICON 3.0

Worm Quartet will be appearing along with Tony Goldmark,
Tom Smith, and more TBA! Guests of honor include Wil
Wheaton and Cory Doctorow

More info at http://www.penguicon.org/

--

More shows TBA really honkin' soon!!

SHOEBOX TURNS 30 NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The big three-oh creeped into my bedroom and forced itself
into my anal crevice last Saturday, so I'm now officially
an aging failure! I celebrated my birthday by staying up
all night cleaning the house with my wife because my parents
were visiting! YAAAAAAY!!!!

NEW STUFF COMING EVENTUALLY NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I've written and recorded new things and they'll exist
in some format eventually. You'll be able to buy them,
and I'll be happy when you do. Specific things that
are in the works include:

- The 7" split with Plan 15
- The re-release of the first Worm Quartet CD "Sumophobia"
with remastered and re-recorded tracks, and at least a
half hour of bonus material that actually doesn't suck
(you die-hards who want the original can get it at
www.interpunk.com - they've still got a couple of
copies left!)
- A concept album I refuse to discuss yet
- A new full-length album of some sort

COFFEE INC. MP3S FINALLY AVAILABLE NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
At long friggin' last, three mp3s from Coffee Inc.'s
upcoming album, "Benefits Of Society," are available
here: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/7/coffeeincmusic.htm

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Coffee
Inc. is a punky band made up of ex-WQ guitarist Coffee,
his brother Dan, and a rotating array of smelly and
unreliable bassists. I recorded and produced their stuff
on cheapass equipment, and contributed piano and backing
vocals on "Monsanto."

Be warned that this sounds nothing like Worm Quartet. It's
mostly punky, though "Monsanto" slows things down.

PICTURES OF MY SON NEWS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
For those of you who care, here's a look at my offspring:
http://www.flamingmayo.com/steve-happy.jpg
http://www.flamingmayo.com/steve-happy-2.jpg
http://www.flamingmayo.com/steve-typing.jpg
http://www.flamingmayo.com/steve_and_keyboard.jpg

Anyhoo, time to shut up! Hope to see at least some of you
guys at MarsCon next weekend...it's gonna be a kickass
time!

Nervously clutching a steaming wad of clown meat,
-=ShoEboX=-


--
*WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ*
Check out the offical Worm Quartet page for
WQ news, history, merchandise, and music!
http://www.wormquartet.com
*WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ-WQ*
________________________________________________________

::::::NEWS UPDATE:CRISIS:::::::::

CRISIS would like to clarify published news reports about Ryan Ball being
the CRISIS drummer and being arrested for an armed robbery in Pennsylvania
yesterday, February 28, 2005.

Contrary to published news reports Ryan Ball was let go from his duties as
the Crisis drummer over 2 weeks ago. We are currently working with another
drummer, Justin Arman (Ex-Society 1) while still looking for a permanent
replacement. We want it to be clearly known that 2 weeks ago we asked Ryan
Ball to return to Pennsylvania. Preparations for Justin Arman to participate
with us at Independence-D Fest in Japan and at SXSW were made over a month
ago.

Although, we’ve announced Ryan's joining Crisis, Ryan never became a
permanent member of the band. He had rehearsed with us 3 times when we
realized this was not working out. As soon as Ryan arrived in California we
were alarmed by the fact that his immigration was not in status, as he'd
previously told us, and experienced the chaos of his personality that we
envisioned could cause problems similar to the ones he is facing now. We
take our music seriously and want to work with professional and dedicated
musicians and thus had to let Ryan go. It is unfortunate that within two
weeks our concerns and hesitations for him have been proven right.

For those not aware with the story it can be viewed at:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7048723/
_________________________________________________________

HAREM SCAREM ON OVERLOAD:
Harem Scarem's new album Overload is mixed, mastered and in the can! The
tracks to be included on the album are: Dagger . Afterglow . Rise & Fall .
Don't Come Easy . Can't Live . Forgive & Forget . All Your Calling . Same
Mistakes . Leading Me On . Understand You . You Shook Me All Night Long
(Cover of the AC/DC classic!)
Running order and Japanese bonus track to be announced.
_____________________________________________________

HAUNTED BY ANGELS VIDEO SHOOT

This weekend (March 5th) you can see 4 great bands and get your mug in a
UMTV video as well!! Haunted By Angels will be shooting video for it's song
"Hellbound" this weekend at Murphy's, 107 W Fayette Street in Syracuse, NY.
Haunted By Angels starts the show @ 9pm so show up early to get in the
video. Then stay late for more great music and the after party with
Caroline Blue, Love Bone, and Zadoc and the Nightmare. Cover is $5 and the
show is 18+ with ID. This will be Haunted By Angels only show before they
head back into the studio to finish up their new CD. Don't miss this show,
and don't miss this chance to get in the video!!

Http://www.HauntedByAngels.com
Http://www.ZadocNightmare.com
Http://www.CarlineBlue.com
Http://www.LoveBoneRocks.com
_____________________________________________________

Playlist for The Last Exit for the Lost: February 27, 2005
(R) = Requested

Background: Raison D'etre "Enthraled by the Wind of Lonelienes"

High on Fire "Deviloution"
Kreator "Impossible Brutallity"
Oathean "Wandering Soul"
Elusive Travel "All The Things I'd Die For"
Future 86 "Suddenly"
Bethlehem "Schatten aus der Alexander Welt"
Apollyon "Memento Mori"
Divinity Destroyed "Haven - Live"
Mercenary "Firesoul"
The Unchallenged "Mindless Fools"
Amnesia "Hymn to the Ancient Ones"
Candlemass "TOT"
GWAR "Krosstika"
Punch Drunk Monkeys "Don't Ask Me"
Disharmonia Mundi "Guilty Claims"
Worm Quartet "Call Me Jennifer and Steal My Stapler"
The Pushrods "Girls on My Mind"
Marduk "Throne of Rats"
Einsturzende Naubauten "Dead Friends (Around the Corner)"
Mushroomhead "Xeroxed" (R)
Nocturne "Dissolute"
Inverted Necrotic Pentagram "Track 9"
Epoch of Unlight "Highgate"
Inverted Necrotic Pentagram "Track 1"
Visions of Atlantis "Lemuria"
Draugar "Through the Dark Until You Die"
Skyfire "Nightmares Nevermore"
Ashent "Eden"
Bloodsimple "Blood In Blood Out"

** MySpace Pic of the Week **
Pathian "Journey's End"

Farmakon "Stetching Into Me"
Into the Moat "Dead Before I Stray"
Black Labeled "Kill the Pepsi Generation"
Lacrimas Profundere "Black"
Robot Goes Here "I'm Holding a Burning Match"
Crisis "Nomad" (R)
King Diamond "The Invisible Guests - Live" (R)
Gothminister "Angel"
The Accused "I'll Be Glad When You're Dead"
Doomtree "Severed"
Fall from Eden "Defining Moment"
Cea Serin "The End of Silence"
Manticora "Filaments of Armageddon"
Area 51 "Sugar Coat"
Shame Lady "Blood of Our Tears"
Temnozor "As an Echo of Glory and Forgotten Oaths / Werewolf"
Winter Solstice "The Hampton Roads Fourth Annual Parade of the Blind"
Drawn and Quartered "Orgiastic Feast of Exremental Blasphemy (Perversion
Glorified)
Primordial "End of All Times (Martyr's Fire)"
Comeback Kid "Wake the Dead"

Feature Artist: My Dying Bride...
_________________________________________________________

SHOW LISTINGS

Fri, March 4: Atreyu, Unearth, and Scars of Tomorrow at The Water Street
Music Hall, Rochester

Sat, March 5: GWAR, Punch Drunk Monkeys, and Alabama Thunder Pussy at The
Magic City Music Hall, Johnson City

Sat, March 5: Haunted by Angels, Zadoc and the Nightmare, and Caroline Blue
at Murphy’s Syracuse

Sat Mar 5th
Marathon (Punkrock heroes)
Fire When Ready (Binghamton indie rock)
Robot Goes Here (Electronic punkhardcore)
1 TBA
@ Pixel in collegetown, in the alley next to Subway, 107.5 Dryden Rd
6:30pm, $5

Monday March 7th - The Sports Bars
State St. Binghamton N.Y.13905
M.A.D. Muzak Presents
"Others" 3rd yr Anniverary Party - Fan Appreciation
with Special Guests
The Lurking Corpses - http://www.thelurkingcorpses.com
the Mofo's - http://www.mofosonlone.com
2 for 1 drinks Specials
FREE CD FOR THE FIRST 50 PAID THROUGH THE DOOR!
"Others - Live for the UnDead"
$5.00 / 18 & up / doors 7:30pm first band 8pm
band page: http://www.soundclick.com/others

Fri, March 11: Others, ST Dredd, and 2 more at Northern Lights, Johnson City

Sat, March 12: Worm Quartet at a Novel Idea, Auburn

Sun, March 13: Motorhead and Corrosion of Conformity at The Magic City Music
Hall, Johnson City

Sun, March 13: Nokturna at Castaways, Ithaca with Process of Elimination and
Digital Geist

Weds, March 16: Mike Tramp at Rock and Roll Heaven, Buffalo

Fri, March 18: Elusive Travel at Broadway Joe’s, Buffalo

Sat, March 19: Elusive Travel at The Bug Jar, Rochester

Tues, March 29: Black Label Society at The Water Street Music Hall,
Rochester

Sat, April 2: Worm Quartet at Alfred University, The Nevins Theatre in
Powell Campus Centre, Alfred, NY

Tues, April 5: Soilwork, Dark Tranquility, Hypocrisy, and Mnenic at The
Icon, Buffalo

Wed, April 6: The Queers, River City Rebels, The Black Halo’s, and The Bones
at The Icon, Buffalo

Mon, April 18: Velvet Revolver at The Blue Cross Arena, Rochester

Mon, April 18: Pigface, Nocturne, and Scary Monsters at The Water Street
Music Hall, Rochester

Thurs, April 21: Strapping Young Lad, Misery Signals, Reflux, and Agony
Scene at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Thurs, April 21: Chimaira, Trivium, Stemm, and The Killing at The Icon,
Buffalo

Sun, April 24: Darkest Hour at The Icon, Buffalo

Sun, April 24: Trivium, Chimaria, Stemm, and Killing at The Magic City Music
Hall, Johnson City

Sun, May 1: Dead to Fall, Cephalic Carnage, and Sons of Azreal at The Icon,
Buffalo

Mon, May 2: Murphy’s Law, Supersuckers, and Rev Horton Heat at Milestones,
Rochester

Thurs, May 12: Kreator, The Autumn Offering, Pro-Pain, and Vader at The
Penny Arcade, Rochester
____________________________________________________________________

TOP STORIES AND FUN STUFF

Bizarre Holidays in March

March is Foot Health Month, Humorists Are Artist Month, National Furniture
Refinishing Month, National Frozen Food Month, National Noodle Month, and
National Peanut Month

March 1 is . . . . . National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day
March 2 is . . . . . Old Stuff Day
March 3 is . . . . . I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day and
National Anthem Day
March 4 is . . . . . Holy Experiment Day
March 5 is . . . . . Multiple Personalities Day
March 6 is . . . . . National Frozen Food Day
March 7 is . . . . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day
March 8 is . . . . . Be Nasty Day
March 9 is . . . . . Panic Day
March 10 is . . . . Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day
March 11 is . . . . Johnny Appleseed Day and Worship of Tools Day
March 12 is . . . . Alfred Hitchcock Day
March 13 is . . . . Jewel Day
March 14 is . . . . National Potato Chip Day
March 15 is . . . . Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day
March 16 is . . . . Everything You Do Is Right Day
March 17 is . . . . Submarine Day
March 18 is . . . . Supreme Sacrifice Day
March 19 is . . . . Poultry Day
March 20 is . . . . Proposal Day and Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions
Day
March 21 is . . . . Fragrance Day
March 22 is . . . . National Goof-off Day
March 23 is . . . . National Organize Your Home Office Day and National Chip
and Dip Day
March 24 is . . . . National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
March 25 is . . . . Pecan Day and Waffle Day
March 26 is . . . . Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach Festival Day
March 27 is . . . . National "Joe" Day More Info on National "Joe" Day
March 28 is . . . . Something On A Stick Day
March 29 is . . . . Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day
March 30 is . . . . I Am In Control Day
March 31 is . . . . Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The Half Shell
Day

+----------------- Bizarre Items Stolen -------------------+

A couple of San Francisco teenagers thought the perfect
present for one of their girlfriends would be a pair of
koala bears. The duo visited the San Francisco Zoo after-
hours and snatched the creatures. Unfortunately, the girl
didn't find the snarling pets to be charming and the boys
had to bring the koalas back to one of their homes. They
put the koalas in a tub filled with carrots, oranges and
leaves, but the malnourished marsupials started to die.
Acting on an anonymous tip, authorities busted the teens.

After stealing hedgehogs from a pet store in Loveland,
Colorado, Raymond Martin, 18, and Wayne Ballew, 19, spent
the next few months trying to unload six of the hedgehogs.
However, disaster struck when Martin was pulled over for
speeding and the police found a box containing the vermin.
Martin gave in during questioning, admitting to the hedgehog
heist and ratting out his friend. "The moral is: Don’t take
stolen hedgehogs out for a late-night ride and speed," said
police Lt. Al Sharon.

It's not uncommon to steal a few things from the office
every so often. However, it is a problem if you're a
coroner's assistant. Jurek Ladziak's line of work allowed
him to obtain a collection that included a skull, body parts
and a number of ID cards of the dead. After Ladziak
assembled his work, he decorated his warehouse-apartment to
resemble a warehouse-morgue. Someone tipped off police to his
dungeon of death, and Ludziak was hauled in on charges of
possession of stolen property.

Dog owner Mrs. Hollis Sharpe was taking her poodle, Jonathan,
for an evening walk in Los Angeles when she was jumped from
behind. The mugger grabbed Sharpe's plastic bag and shoved
her to the ground so hard that she broke her arm. He then
took off with his prize: a big bag of dog poop. "I wish there
had been a little more in the bag," said a charitable Sharpe.

Toilet troubles hit NYC residents in 1991 when a felon made
off with 109 toilet bowl handles. The crafty thief even
separated a handle from the toilet just down the hall from
then-mayor David Dinkins' office in City Hall. Here's hoping
the robber wasn't hoping to make much off the handles.
"There’s a little brass in there," noted Lisa Ryan, then-
spokesperson for the New York City Department of General
Services. "Maybe he’s refurbishing and reselling them-I don’t
know why anyone would want them."

Missouri man Michael Marcum, stole six 350-pound electrical
transformers from a power company in January 1995. His
motive? To construct a time machine so he could send himself
a few days into the future, find out the winning lottery
numbers and then come back to buy the matching tickets.
Police discovered one of the transformers during a search of
Marcum's home on an unrelated vandalism investigation. The
cops noticed that Marcum had plugged one of the transformers
into his fuse box. An antenna was attached to the top, with
a visible electrical current arcing from one rabbit ear to
the other.
____________________________________________________

--------- Thieves Make a Splash By Stealing Pool -----------

OSLO, Norway - The fact that a Norwegian family's swimming
pool was bolted in the ground was not a problem for some
determined thieves. The Nicolaysen family was in for a big
surprise when they visited their mountain cabin to discover
a big hole in their yard where the swimming pool had once
been. "This can't be, we thought," Arild Nicolaysen told
state radio network NRK on Monday. "We didn't think it was
possible. No one can steal a swimming pool." Well, someone
found a way. The 16-foot-diameter pool and all its equipment
had been uprooted and stolen sometime after early November,
when the family closed up the cabin for the winter.
____________________________________________________

---------- Man Not Charmed By Snake in Toilet --------------

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. - The thick snake sticking out of the
toilet only made matters worse for Shannon Scavotto, who was
already late for work. Scavotto had opened the toilet to
throw out a tissue when he noticed the unwelcome visitor
emerge, wearing the tissue on its head. When he called the
city's animal control, he learned the snake expert was on
vacation. Scavotto, 30, fashioned a noose out of PVC pipe
and string. However, when he grabbed the visitor and pulled
the string, the snake kept coming. About 6 feet later, the
tail appeared, and his wife, Beth, had a pillowcase ready.
The couple put the silver and black snake into a barrel
brought by Jimmy Shirkey, the maintenance worker who had
joined the effort. Scavotto later learned he had pulled an
African rock python from the toilet.
_____________________________________________________

FROM THE ONION...

Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise press conference Monday, President Bush said he
will not rest until the warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant, the vessel
holding the original Ten Commandments, is located. "Nazis stole the Ark in
1936, but it was recovered by a single patriot, who braved gunfire, rolling
boulders, and venomous snakes," Bush said, addressing the White House press
corps. "Sadly, due to bureaucratic rigmarole, this powerful, historic relic
was misplaced in a warehouse. Mark my words: We will find that warehouse."
Bush added that, after they are strengthened by the power of the Ark, U.S.
forces will seek out and destroy the sinister Temple of Doom.
____________________________________________________

FROM BBSPOT...

War on Terror Ends in Surrender
By Jordan Baugher

Washington D.C. - The War on Terror ended abruptly yesterday, shocking
millions around the world when Terror surrendered unconditionally to the US
and its allies.

Osama Bin Laden was the first to begin this historically unprecedented event
by turning himself in to US troops stationed not 100 yards from his cave. "I
don't know what I was thinking," he said, "it was foolish of me to challenge
the might of the United States and the overwhelming intelligence of Mr.
Bush."

He was arrested on the spot and given the 25 million dollar reward for his
capture.

Military personnel and police around the world were struggling to find room
in detention facilities as insurgents from Iraq to Afghanistan were showing
up en masse and demanding to be arrested. Even rogue North Korean leader Kim
Jong Il appeared in Seoul, driving a semi-trailer filled with nuclear
weapons, saying he was deeply sorry for frightening the world with imminent
destruction.

Steven Procter, a market analyst, ventured an explanation for the strange
phenomenon. "Recently, America has gained a monopoly on terror, with a
volume of weapons and tanks and personnel that small, fringe groups like Al
Qaeda and Hamas have been struggling to compete with. It's not surprising
that their attitudes have shifted."

At a news conference, a reporter asked President Bush if this unexpected and
sudden end to the War on Terror would mean his administration would begin
shifting its focus to domestic problems, like the sagging economy and record
unemployment.

"What kind of a question is that? What are you, a terrorist? It seems to me
that as long as we have people like YOU running around this war is far from
over," he replied as men in suits grabbed the reporter by the arms and
dragged him out of the room.
__________________________________________________________

Jesus Makes Poor Showing at Frag Fest
By Michael Coyne

San Jose, CA - Jesus Christ, a surprise late entry to the Doom 3 competition
at California Extreme this year, disappointed many fans and players.

"I don't know," said fellow fragger, Darren Nowakowski. "When he first
showed up in that white robe with the long flowing hair, I thought he was
going to turn out to be one of these FPS freaks. You know, they do the calm
and meek act and then they kick your butt royally. But I pasted him all over
the arena, like thirty times or something. And he was all, 'I forgive you.'
Yeah, thanks dude, I was really cut up about wasting you. Everyone was
getting in on the act. If you didn't bag at least one Jesus, you were
nowhere."

"He sucks," noted Jamie Schweigert, another player in the tournament, who
scored twenty "Jesuses" himself. "When I heard he was the son of some god or
something, I figured he would be all, like, 'i @m yOrE g0d, i 0wN yoo', but
he kept coming out with crap like 'I am the way, the truth and the life' or
'Feed my sheep.' So I go, 'Okay, pal, eat this.'"

Kurt Chapell was another player who scored well against the son of God. "He
said something to me about how he was the Lamb of God. Well, it was a
slaughter all right. Lamb guts everywhere. I figured he'd be all mad after
being killed so many times, but he comes up after the match and forgives me,
which I thought was cool."

Even the amateurs were getting in on the J-frags. Nelson Riesgo, a young
player of 10, scored several hits. "I ran down this hallway and he was right
there in front of me, and he was busy saying 'I am the way, and the truth,
and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me', so I went right
through him. Still didn't see the Father, whoever he is, but when he shows
up, his ass is grass."

Any hard feelings on either side seemed to have been cleared up when the
group headed out to eat, said Fred Coronel. "It was great. We went out to
dinner, Jesus had just one of us order a meal, and then there was enough for
everybody. Oh, and he told the server we were just going to drink water, and
we were all, 'Oh man, that sucks', but when I picked up my Dasani, it was
some awesome wine instead."

Jesus declined to comment on the results of the tournament, but sources
reported spotting a white-robed and bearded figure at Best Buy later that
day, buying a new laptop and a copy of Doom 3. When asked if he would return
next year, Jesus intimated that he only "gets back here every couple of
thousand years" but that a second coming shouldn't be ruled out.
__________________________________________________

This is an attempt to get people a little more into what's going on in the
music scene these days. As well as to keep people at least a little
informed about what is going on at our weekly broadcasts of chaos.
Please feel free to send all comments, suggestions, corrections, additions,
and whatever else that might help make this more useful.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might find it
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And e-mail us your show dates to add to the list above...

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Some Quotes from Ruminations (ruminations-subscribe@...)

Some stories taken from News of the Weird (www.NewsoftheWeird.com) and
Bizarre News (www.bizarrenews.com). Go to their sites to subscribe to their
weekly e-mails filled with such real news stories... Other stories from
http://www.ananova.com. Also, some parody stories have come from
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/, http://theonion.com/, and
http://www.infernalcombustion.com/. Other sources noted where applicable...