The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - March 18, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Metallic Onslaught - 89.7FM Geneva, NY - Friday's 9pm - 2am Eastern Time
http://devoted.to/onslaught - www.weos.org
Request Line: (315) 781-3897

The Last Exit for the Lost - Saturday's at Midnight till 6am Sunday -
Eastern Time
WVBR 93.5 FM / East Hill 105.5 FM - Ithaca, NY
www.TheLastExit.org - www.WVBR.Com
Request Line: (607) 273-2121
E-mail Requests during the show to: LastExit@...

Chat Room during The Last Exit:
http://pub6.bravenet.com/chat/show.php?usernum=450982834&cpv=1
_________________________________________________

** RECAPS FROM FIRE EATER WIZARD **

On The Metallic Onslaught: Before Jeffie arrived, things appeared to have
gone back to usual... Joe was acting like his usual self again, and did not
seem to remember his strange actions of the week before (acting like a
Jeffie clone). He denied ever having been forced to go under the consol with
Jeffie (well, who could blame him there?), although Rick and Lance told him
that, unfortunately, it did happen, he would not admit it... When Jeffie
first arrived, Joe acted normal. Then Jeffie started insulting Rick,
eventually hitting a nerve when he accused him of being gay like Lance
(which I guess is almost as bad as gay like Zoltan). Rick went to kill
Jeffie, but Jeffie ran past him and locked the main room's door, leaving
Rick in the other room with Lance again. A few moments later, however, Joe
went back to being the Jeffie clone (Joe Jeff). So, it would seem that, for
some unknown reason, Jeffie's presence now has a strange power over Joe
which turns him into Joe Jeff. Jeffie and Joe Jeff went back to being each
other's biggest fans, praising each other a lot. At the end of the night,
Jeffie told Joey Jeff that, since he was doing such a good job of being
Jeffie, and because Jeffie liked him so much, he was going to take the next
week off to go party and let Joey Jeff run the show. So, Jeffie will not be
there this week. Rick, Lance, and Joe will be, however, although it is
unknown if Joe will be Joey Jeff, or if, without Jeffie's presence, he will
revert to the usual Joe... Tune in and find out... There was also mention
at the end of the night of Joey Jeff and Jeffie attempting to beat up Lance
after the show, but who knows how that went...

On The Last Exit For The Lost: No Pushrods of any kind as they are on tour
and, thus, are otherwise engaged for a few weeks. Just Joe was there, but
was late, getting there around two thirty. We learned that the reason for
his absence the week before was because he fell asleep. The Penguin also
arrived around two thirty (not with Just Joe, she just had the misfortune to
show up around the same time he did). For this weeks Just Joe challenge, it
was decided that it would be Penguin throwing. So, Just Joe was told to
throw the Penguin in the snow... Which, he did. Also, a visitor to the show,
Amy, tried to help The Penguin, twice, and, twice, got thrown in the snow
and ended up even more covered in snow than The Penguin was for her
troubles. Then Amy and her friend decided to do something to Just Joe...
They decided to make him eat himself. Hold on... No, not cannibalism (pity),
and, not anything dirty (well, dirty, but, dirty as in extremely messy and
sticky, but, not in the way I'm sure your perverted minds are working). They
covered him in pudding. Covered him very thoroughly... He even had pudding
deep in his ears. Then he ate the pudding off himself. He said he was
delicious and seemed to have enjoyed this adventure. This week we will
finally find out what will be the result of combining The Wheel Of Satan
with The Keys To The Apocalypse, as the thing's (what do you call it now?
The Wheel Of The Apocalypse? The Keys To Satan?) well, whatever you call
it, it's three week count down ends this week. So tune in and find out if we
will have an Armageddon. Well, I guess, if we have an Armageddon, we will
all find out whether we tune in or not. The end of the world is kind of a
hard thing to miss, after all. But, if we do have an Armageddon, it will be
much more fun if you tune in! Or, who knows, perhaps it will go back to
playing The Teletubbies again. Which, of course, would be far, far, far
worse than an Armageddon! Well, we shall all find out... And, just a
personal note from me, if you'll indulge me a bit here: This weeks recap
marks the one year anniversary of my being given the privilege to recap all
the madness and chaos that goes on every week on these two shows. Time
flies! It doesn't seem like it's been a year already, but it has. I've
enjoyed it a lot, and hope all of you have too. (if you've enjoyed reading
them even a bit as much as I've enjoyed writing them, then, I will have
achieved what I hoped would be the case when I started.) I hope I've been
able to recapture all of the action, and to do it in a humorous way, that
would do justice to the humor on the shows, which has been my goal. I look
forward to beginning another year of chronicling all the craziness and
silliness that is the weekly hallmark of these two shows...

************************************************************

News from Azkath...

I think this week's recaps summed it all up nicely, nothing much to add,
other than there is a picture gallery up of the Just Joe Sundae. You have
been warned...

The following is a note from David, worst co-host ever, and soon to be
ex-bassist of Lotus Project...
_____________________________________________

Hello there.

Just wanted to clear up a few things. Yes, indeed, I am leaving Lotus
Project to pursue my interest in tropical meteorology in graduate school at
Florida State University in Tallahassee, FL. I'm only moving to Tallahassee
so much as I "moved" to Ithaca when I started attending Cornell four years
ago -- I'll still be bass'd (Oh! A pun!) out of my home in New Jersey.
Natural process of things, y'know? I would also like to point out that this
was not an easy decision for me to make...

I also think you emphasized the incorrect factoid, FEW! I am cutting my
hair, yeah. I was the token long-haired metalhead in Lotus Project, but I
think I'm ready to turn the page since I won't be in Lotus Project after
June 4th, so mark that date on your calendars. Also, my hair long just
wouldn't work in Florida's (often times) oppressive humidity. The point,
however, is that Lotus Project is now looking for a replacement bassist, the
details of which I explained to a certain extent on the air on Saturday
Night. For those who did not tune in to the show, I stated that I would be
willing to teach any new bassist my lines, runs, and licks over the next few
months in order to make the transition as seamless as possible.

**HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART**

Lotus Project is stressing attitude and personality over talent. That is not
to say that you should have enthusiasm and be entirely devoid of talent;
let's be reasonable here. Chris and Pat are, for the most part, easy-going,
and they are people with whom it is very easy to work. They were very
patient with me -- I had only been playing bass for a year when I first
joined -- while I took the time to accumulate the proper skills, techniques,
and gear. I can honestly say that I have become exponentially better because
of this experience. I have also developed "Gear Acquisition Syndrome"
because of Pat, but that's another story... Anyway, attitude > talent. But I
also must point out what a new bassist will need to do in order to replace
me. Being tuned to a low B is outright required. I would also recommend that
the bassist not play with a pick, since I will alternate between
finger-plucking (at times at a very high velocity) and pull/slapping very
freely. Semi-professional gear, while not required, is a definite plus. I'm
taking all of my gear -- well, that which I don't sell over the summer --
down with me to Florida, so the new bassist is on his/her own. The bassist
should have his or her own method of transportation. The ability to
transport additional gear is welcome, as well. The new bassist should also
be within reasonable driving distance of Candor, NY, which is roughly 30
minutes outside of Binghamton and 30 minutes south of Ithaca.

On a personal note, whoever fills my shoes... good luck. Pat and Chris came
up with some stupidly crazy rhythms throughout the course of this thing.
Straight 4/4 this is not. This is very difficult music, but once you "get"
it, the rewards are endless. I would recommend that the hopefuls be familiar
with Strapping Young Lad, Meshuggah, Dimmu Borgir, Nevermore, perhaps some
mid-era Opeth, any CD that involves Steve DiGiorgio on bass, Iron Maiden,
and Faith No More. Or, if you're a bass god, you'll put all of my basslines
to shame. Good show. Everyone to whom I've spoken who has at least a passing
interest in metal absolutely loves our music, and I personally think it is
some of the best music I've ever heard. I am sad to leave it.


That's about it from this end. If you or someone you know plays bass and has
an interest in our music, please pass this message along. You can contact me
directly at drr29@....

Thanks,

Dave
__________________________________________________

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

JAMES LABRIE SCHEDULED TO RELEASE NEW SOLO ALBUM
'ELEMENTS OF PERSUASION' THROUGH INSIDEOUT MUSIC AMERICA
ON APRIL 5, 2005

DREAM THEATER VOCALIST SCHEDULES THREE U.S. CONCERTS ONLY

The musical ideas percolating within vocalist James LaBrie are endless. His
new solo album, 'Elements Of Persuasion,' will be released on April 5, 2005,
via InsideOut Music America. Three East Coast tour dates are scheduled
shortly after. These are the only U.S. dates planned at the moment.

'Elements Of Persuasion' is the first one the Dream Theater vocalist is
releasing under his own name. Using the moniker MullMuzzer, LaBrie has
actually released two previous solo albums, 1999's 'Keep It To Yourself' and
2001's '2.'

The 12 songs on 'Elements Of Persuasion' are "Crucify," "Alone," "Freaks,"
"Invisible," "Lost," "Undecided," "Smashed," "Pretender," "Slightly Out Of
Reach," "Oblivious," "In Too Deep" and "Drained."

LaBrie has earned worldwide success with Dream Theater's updated style of
progressive rock, but 'Elements Of Persuasion' finds him taking on a more
straightforward rock direction. The songs are challenging and intricate
while still allowing LaBrie to expand his musical vision. His unmistakable,
distinctive voice ties the songs together, making 'Elements Of Persuasion' a
fully realized, cohesive work.

LaBrie is scheduled to perform a few select U.S. concerts in spring 2005
before embarking on an extensive European tour. Schedule permitting, he will
then return for more U.S. dates. LaBrie's touring band includes keyboardist
Matt Guillory and guitarist Marco Sfogli (who both played on 'Elements Of
Persuasion'), bass guitarist Andy DeLuca (Symphony X) and drummer John
Macaluso (Yngwie J. Malmsteen's Rising Force, Ark).


For more information, visit www.jameslabrie.com and www.insideoutmusic.com.

U.S. tour dates include:

DATE CITY VENUE
Thursday, April 14th Sayreville, NJ Starland
Ballroom
Friday, April 15th Poughkeepsie, NY The Chance
Saturday, April 16th Farmingdale, NY The Downtown

www.jameslabrie.com
www.insideoutmusic.com
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Rods Reunion Show

THE RODS (David "Rock" Feinstein, Gary Bordonaro, and Carl Canedy) will be
getting back together for an exclusive show in Cortland at Mackenzy's (Bill
Dallaire's new club on Main Street in Cortland, NY, formerly known as
Escape) on Saturday, March 26, 2005.

Opening for THE RODS will be (I-100 radio's official morning show band)
NASTY HABIT. NASTY HABIT is Central NY's premier classic hard rock/'80s "big
hair" metal tribute band.

Also in the lineup will be Ryan Coughlin from Auburn, NY, who will play a
short acoustic set after NASTY HABIT. DJ Dale will finish the evening with a
dance party after THE RODS play. THE RODS plan to schedule a meet-and-greet
after the show, so bring your RODS stuff for them to sign.
_________________________________________________________________

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

GZR, FEATURING BLACK SABBATH'S GEEZER BUTLER, TO RELEASE ‘OHMWORK’ ON MAY
10, 2005, VIA SANCTUARY RECORDS
‘OHMWORK’ IS THE THIRD SOLO BAND PROJECT FROM THE LEGENDARY BASS GUITARIST
AND LYRICIST

GZR, the quartet led by legendary Black Sabbath bass guitarist and lyricist
Geezer Butler, will release its new studio album Ohmwork through Sanctuary
Records on May 10, 2005. Ohmwork is Butler’s first album in eight years.

The 10 songs on Ohmwork are "Misfit," "Pardon My Depression," "Prisoner
103," "I Believe," "Aural Sects," "Pseudocide," "Pull The String," "Alone,"
"Dogs Of Whore" and "Don't You Know." "I Believe" is the first single.

Butler is joined by vocalist Clark Brown and guitarist Pedro Howse, his
longtime collaborators, and new drummer Chad Smith. Ohmwork is Butler's
third solo band release. His first project under the GZR banner was 1995's
Plastic Planet while 1997's Black Science was credited to Geezer. Howse has
worked on all three albums. Brown performed on Black Science.

"I feel that this album is more like our first album, Plastic Planet. On
this album I wanted to strip everything down to the bare essentials, so
every song would have a live band feel, which I think we achieved.”

The band went hurtling into the studio with a hectic 10-day recording
schedule. “There’s a spirit of spontaneity and freshness that can only be
achieved when you approach a record in that manner,” recalls Geezer. “It’s
the way the first two Sabbath albums were done. Black Sabbath was recorded
in two days and Paranoid took a week and that’s what I wanted with my new
record – 10 days done ‘n’ dusted.”

A potent, tangible band dynamic is crucial for Butler. He does not ever want
an album credited to "Geezer Butler" when it is a true band effort.

"It's important to me that we have a band identity, because the album is a
band collaboration. Everyone brings their own specialties to the songs, and
we all know our capabilities, and we all work extremely hard together,"
Butler says.

Butler is proud of the fact that GZR's music appeals to both young metal
fans as well as Black Sabbath fans. He attributes this fact about
cross-generational appeal to heavy metal's very essence.

GZR touring plans are being put together for Fall 2005.

www.gzrmusic.com
www.geezerbutler.com
www.sanctuaryrecords.com
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Playlist for The Last Exit for the Lost: March 13, 2005
(R) = Requested

Thou Art Lord "Baphomet's Meteor"
Overkill "Within Your Eyes"
Usurper "Kill for Metal"
Graveworm "Never Enough"
Scar Symmetry "2012 - The Demise of the Fifth Sun"
Hanzel Und Gretyl "Scheissway to Hell"
Six Feet Under "Shadow of the Reaper"
Opera IX "Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
Paint It Black "Ghosts"
Dark Tranqulity "Lost to Apathy"
Seemless "Endless"
Judas Priest "Loch Ness"
Dark Throne "A Blaze in the Northern Sky" (R)
Omnium Gatherum "Black Seas Cry"
The Rods "Power Lover" (R)
Warrior Soul "The Wasteland" (R)
Motorhead "Fight"
Coffee Inc. "Monsanto"
Elusive Travel "Seperation"
Closer than Kin "The Euphoria of Strangulation"
Necromis "Stand and Die"
Grave Digger "Hundred Days"
Tristania "Shadowman"

** TRIBUTE TO THE PAST BLOCK **
Onslaught "Shellshock"
Faith or Fear "Punishment Area"
Dismal Euphony "Et Vinterevertyr"
Asphyx "Pages in Blood"
Eterne "The Endless"

Rob Zombie "Living Dead Girl" (R)
Exodus "Blacklist" (R)
Kamelot "March of Mephisto"
November's Doom "In the Absence of Grace"
Pushrods "We're So Successful"
Nightrage "Being Nothing"
Pure Sweet Hell "Rave Song"
Havoc Hate "Tentacle"
Enslaved "Return to Yggdrasill"
Sic Seed "Psychotic Bloodline"
Cephalic Carnage "Dying will be the Death of Me"
Origin "Staring from the Abyss"
Queensryche "Operation: MIndcrime" (R)
Dillenger Escape Plan "43% Burnt" (R)
Worm Quartet "What Your Parents Think All Your Music Sounds Like"

** MYSPACE PIC OF THE WEEK **
Lethian Dreams "For a Brighter Death"

Slayer "South of Heaven" (R)
Heretic "Time Runs Short"
Reverend "Power of Persuasion"

Feature Artist: Metal Church...
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SHOW LISTINGS

Fri, March 18: Sic Seed, Scarred Theory, Deafness, and Marazine at The
Haunt, Ithaca (9pm - ages 18+, $5 over 21 / $7 under 21)

Fri, March 18: Elusive Travel at Broadway Joe’s, Buffalo

Sat, March 19: Elusive Travel at The Bug Jar, Rochester

Mar 19th the PushRods with: Vis Vires, Ten New Toes & Red Level @ the
Pegasus Lounge (www.pegasusniteclub.com) Tampa, FL

Fri, March 25: The Rods (Reunion Show), Superdrive, and Ryan Coughlin at The
Haunt, Ithaca

Sat, March 26: The Rods (Reunion Show), Ryan Coughlin, and Nasty Habit at
Mackenzy's, Cortland

Tues, March 29: Black Label Society and MeLDRum at The Water Street Music
Hall, Rochester

Wed, March 30: Cryptopsy, Misery Index, Cattle Decapitation, Autumn
Offering, and Skodag at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Fri, April 1: Victim 6, Pitbull Daycare, and Society 1 at The Steel Music
Hall, Rochester

Sat, April 2: Amorphis, Into Enernity, Beyond the Embrace, and Solsprey at
The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Sat, April 2: Worm Quartet at Alfred University, The Nevins Theatre in
Powell Campus Centre, Alfred, NY

Tues, April 5: Soilwork, Dark Tranquility, Hypocrisy, and Mnenic at The
Icon, Buffalo

Wed, April 6: The Queers, River City Rebels, The Black Halo’s, and The Bones
at The Icon, Buffalo

Wed, April 13: As I Lay Dying, All That Remains, and Throwdown at The Penny
Arcade, Rochester

Thurs, April 14: Madball at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Mon, April 18: Velvet Revolver at The Blue Cross Arena, Rochester

Mon, April 18: Pigface, Nocturne, and Scary Monsters at The Water Street
Music Hall, Rochester

Thurs, April 21: Strapping Young Lad, Misery Signals, Reflux, and Agony
Scene at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Thurs, April 21: Chimaira, Trivium, Stemm, and The Killing at The Icon,
Buffalo

Fri, April 22: The Pushrods CD Release Show at Castaways, Ithaca

Sun, April 24: Melt Banana, Hot Cross, and Robot Goes Here at The Noyes
Community Center, Cornell (8pm - $6 with CUID / $8 public)

Sun, April 24: Darkest Hour at The Icon, Buffalo

Sun, April 24: Trivium, Chimaria, Stemm, and Killing at The Magic City Music
Hall, Johnson City

Sun, May 1: Dead to Fall, Cephalic Carnage, and Sons of Azreal at The Icon,
Buffalo

Mon, May 2: Murphy’s Law, Supersuckers, and Rev Horton Heat at Milestones,
Rochester

Thurs, May 12: Kreator, The Autumn Offering, Pro-Pain, and Vader at The
Penny Arcade, Rochester

Fri, May 20: Joe Stump, The Sean Baker Orchestra, Haunted by Angels,
Redezra, and Intox at The Steel Music Hall, Rochester

Sat, May 21: Chris Caffery, Metal Mike’s Pain Museum, Joe Stump, and
Scattered Ink at The Steel Music Hall, Rochester

Sat, June 4: The Xtreme Soundscapes: Volume II DVD Release Show featuring
Never the Sunshine, Others, Punch Drunk Monkeys (in a rare appearance),
Elusive Travel, and more at Castaways, Ithaca
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TOP STORIES AND STUFF

--------- False Alarm Almost Causes State of Panic ---------

HARTFORD, Conn. - A Connecticut official inadvertently
entered an emergency broadcast code that sent a message to
the public that Connecticut should be evacuated. The false
alarm was quickly recalled, but not before televisions
across the state Tuesday showed the warning: "Civil author-
ities have issued an immediate evacuation order for all of
Connecticut, beginning at 2:10 p.m. and ending at 3:10 p.m."
Luckily, a mass fleeing of the state didn't ensue, but police
reported several calls from concerned citizens. Officials
said a worker at the Office of Emergency Management admitted
to entering the "evacuate" code rather than the "test"
message.
_______________________________________________________

--------------------- Recess Rage --------------------------

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. - A student's violent tantrum ended when
police arrested the 8-year-old. It all started when the
unruly learner was informed that he couldn't join the
other students for recess. Unhappy with the decision, he
began head-butting his teacher and kicking the Rawls Byrd
Elementary School's assistant principal. According to
police, the enraged child tossed a chair and over-turned a
desk after his teacher and assistant principal attempted
to yield the boy from joining the other classmates. He was
put in handcuffs and charged with assault and battery and
disorderly conduct. The youth was later released to his
parents.
_____________________________________________________

+-------------- Bizarre Newspaper Headlines ---------------+

Cause of AIDS Found - Scientists

Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit

City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy

Why You Want Sex Changes With Age

Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls

Cemetery Allows People to be Buried by Their Pets

Man Held Over Giant L.A. Brush Fire

Antique Stripper to Demonstrate Wares at Store

Sudden Rush to Help People Out of Work

Deadline Passes for Striking Police
___________________________________________________

Student in High School zombie terror threat
By Lester Haines
Published Tuesday 8th March 2005 12:14 GMT

An 18-year-old US student is today behind bars after police uncovered his
plot to raise a zombie army and attack his high school. The wannabe Papa Doc
Duvalier's chilling plan was uncovered after the youth's grandparents
discovered his written proposal for the outrage in Winchester, Kentucky,
lex18.com reports.

Mercifully, William Poole was cuffed before he could execute his macabre
scheme. He faces a second-degree felony terrorist threatening charge after
investigators discovered "materials at Poole's home that outline possible
acts of violence aimed at students, teachers, and police".

Naturally, the fledgling Baron Samedi has claimed that the writings were
nothing more than a short story he penned for his English class. He said:
"My story is based on fiction. It's a fake story. I made it up. I've been
working on one of my short stories, [and] the short story they found was
about zombies. Yes, it did say a high school. It was about a high school
over ran by zombies."

"It didn't mention nobody who lives in Clark County, didn't mention [George
Rogers Clark High School], didn't mention no principal or cops, nothing.
Half the people at high school know me. They know I'm not that stupid, that
crazy."

Despite his protestations, the authorities have wisely decided to cage the
miscreant youth. Winchester Police detective Steven Caudill noted: "Anytime
you make any threat or possess matter involving a school or function it's a
felony in the state of Kentucky."

Accordingly, a judge last week reflected the seriousness of threatening your
high school with annihilation at the hands of the undead by raising Poole's
bond from one to five thousand dollars at the request of prosecutors. He is
currently reflecting on his folly in the Clark County Detention Center.
__________________________________________________

Necrophilia among ducks ruffles research feathers
<http://education.guardian.co.uk/higher/research/story/0,9865,1432991,00.htm
l>
Donald MacLeod
Tuesday March 8, 2005

The strange case of the homosexual necrophiliac duck pushed out the
boundaries of knowledge in a rather improbable way when it was
recorded by Dutch researcher Kees Moeliker.

It may have ruffled a few feathers, but it earned him the coveted Ig
Nobel prize for biology awarded for improbable research, and next week
he will be recounting his findings to UK audiences on the Ig Nobel
tour.

Ducks behave pretty badly, it seems. It is not so much that up to one
in 10 of mallard couples are homosexual - no one would raise an
eyebrow in the liberal Netherlands - but they regularly indulge in
"attempted rape flights" when they pursue other ducks with a view to
forcible mating. "Rape is a normal reproductive strategy in mallards,"
explains Mr Moeliker.

As he recounts in his seminal paper, The first case of homosexual
necrophilia in the mallard anas platyrhynchos, he was in his office in
the Natuurmuseum Rotterdam, when he was alerted by a bang to the fact
a bird had crashed into the glass facade of the building. "I went
downstairs immediately to see if the window was damaged, and saw a
drake mallard (anas platyrhynchos) lying motionless on its belly in
the sand, two metres outside the facade. The unfortunate duck
apparently had hit the building in full flight at a height of about
three metres from the ground. Next to the obviously dead duck, another
male mallard (in full adult plumage without any visible traces of
moult) was present. He forcibly picked into the back, the base of the
bill and mostly into the back of the head of the dead mallard for
about two minutes, then mounted the corpse and started to copulate,
with great force, almost continuously picking the side of the head.

"Rather startled, I watched this scene from close quarters behind the
window until 19.10 hours during which time (75 minutes) I made some
photographs and the mallard almost continuously copulated his dead
congener. He dismounted only twice, stayed near the dead duck and
picked the neck and the side of the head before mounting again. The
first break (at 18.29 hours) lasted three minutes and the second break
(at 18.45 hours) lasted less than a minute. At 19.12 hours, I
disturbed this cruel scene. The necrophilic mallard only reluctantly
left his 'mate': when I had approached him to about five metres, he
did not fly away but simply walked off a few metres, weakly uttering a
series of two-note 'raeb-raeb' calls (the 'conversation-call' of
Lorentz 1953). I secured the dead duck and left the museum at 19.25
hours. The mallard was still present at the site, calling 'raeb-raeb'
and apparently looking for his victim (who, by then, was in the
freezer)."

Mr Moeliker suggests the pair were engaged in a rape flight attempt.
"When one died the other one just went for it and didn't get any
negative feedback - well, didn't get any feedback," he said.

His findings have provoked a lot of interest - especially in Britain
for some reason - but no other recorded cases of duck necrophilia.
However, Mr Moeliker was informed of an American case involving a
squirrel and a dead partner, although in this case it is not known
whether the necrophilia observed was homosexual or not as the victim
had been run over by a truck shortly before the incident.
__________________________________________________________

----------------- Revenge Tastes Sweet ---------------------

COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho - How do you get back at someone who
puts peanut butter in your cheese sandwich? Well, you
anonymously send them semen-frosted brownies, of course! A
17-year-old student admitted to sending the brownies to a
fellow student, who then shared the sweets with two other
teens. The guilty party told a school resource officer that
he was upset about the peanut butter prank, explaining that
"he hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he
could explain," according to the police report. The student
was arrested and booked into a juvenile detention center.
The victims of the disgusting prank were tested for anything
that might have been transmitted through the body fluid.
______________________________________________________

* Update: In November 2003, when last we left America's most
uninhibited public gay basher, Topeka, Kan., preacher Fred Phelps,
he was proposing a statue to celebrate the murder of a gay man. In
December 2004, his Westboro Baptist Church issued a press
release praising God for the "Tsunami & 2,000 dead Swedes!!!"
after he assumed that Swedes were among the vacationers who
drowned at resorts in Thailand. Phelps had denounced Sweden for
jailing a gay-condemning preacher (Rev. Ake Green, since
released). According to Phelps, the Swedish homosexuals who
died were "vacationing on their fat expendable incomes without
kids to bother with and spend money on."
___________________________________________________

* The City Council of Sweetwater, Fla., decided to raise money by
selling a dealer all the guns confiscated by its police, but the dealer
chosen was Lou's Gun Shop in Hialeah, Fla., identified by
authorities as the nation's leading retail source of the guns
eventually used in crimes (January). And a committee of the New
York State Bar Association proposed in January to expand the
civic work lawyers could get professional credit for ("pro bono"
activities) to include political lobbying, including lobbying to cut
back on required pro-bono work.
_____________________________________________________

From The Onion...

Bush Annouced Iraq Exit Stategy, We'll Go Through Iran!

WASHINGTON, DC—Almost a year after the cessation of major combat and a month
after the nation's first free democratic elections, President Bush unveiled
the coalition forces' strategy for exiting Iraq.

"I'm pleased to announce that the Department of Defense and I have
formulated a plan for a speedy withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq," Bush
announced Monday morning. "We'll just go through Iran."

Bush said the U.S. Army, which deposed Iran's longtime enemy Saddam Hussein,
should be welcomed with open arms by the Islamic-fundamentalist state.

"And Iran's so nearby," Bush said. "It's only a hop, skip, and a jump to the
east."

According to White House officials, coalition air units will leave forward
air bases in Iraq and transport munitions to undisclosed locations in Iran.
After 72 to 96 hours of aerial-bomb retreats, armored-cavalry units will
retreat across the Zagros mountains in tanks, armored personnel carriers,
and strike helicopters. The balance of the 120,000 troops will exit into the
oil-rich borderlands around the Shatt-al-Arab region within 30 days.

Pentagon sources said U.S. Central Command has been formulating the exit
plan under guidelines set by Bush.

"The fact is, we've accomplished our goals in Iraq," said General George
Casey, the commander of coalition forces in the Iraqi theater. "Now, it's
time to bring our men and women home—via Iran."

Questions have been raised about the unprecedented size of the withdrawal
budget.

"I'm asking Congress to approve a $187-billion budget to enable us to exit
as smoothly as possible," said Casey, whose budget request includes several
hundred additional M1A1 Abrams battle tanks, 72 new C-130 cargo planes, and
two brigades of artillery. "We're concerned about the safety of our troops,
so we need to have the capacity to deal with insurgent forces all the way
from the Iraqi border through to Tehran."

Casey has requested a budget increase for the Pentagon, so that the
government can reward recruits who serve in the U.S. mission to exit Iraq.

"The plan also includes a minor stopover for refueling and provisional
replenishment in Syria," Casey said. "But I don't expect we'll need more
than 50,000 additional troops for that stretch of the Iraq pullout."

Bush's plan has met with widespread support.

"The people who said Iraq was a quagmire and that the president would never
get our troops out are now eating crow," said Sean Hannity on his popular
radio show Tuesday. "Of course, I don't expect anyone will have the honor to
come forward and actually admit that they were wrong to question our
commander-in-chief."

Sioux Falls, SD's Dianne Haverbuck, who has two sons in the military, said
she was pleased to hear of the impending exit.

"Don and Kenneth have already been in Iraq an extra four months, so it's so
good to hear that they'll finally be leaving that dangerous place,"
Haverbuck said. "I can't tell you how happy I was when the president
said—what was it? I wrote it down. 'Getting our troops out of the Middle
East and back home to their families is a viable long-term goal.'"

"I can't wait to see the boys," Haverbuck added.

Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Hoseini-Khamenei welcomed the exit
plan.

"Let the Allied armies come to Iran," Khamenei said. "I believe I can assure
you that, if they do withdraw here, their brothers-in-arms in the Islamic
Republican Army, the Revolutionary Guards Corps, the Quds special forces
units, and the Basij Popular Mobilization Army will no doubt do everything
they can to make the troops' trip back home memorable."
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