The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - October 24, 2003
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Metallic Onslaught - Friday's 9pm - 2am Eastern Time - 89.7FM
Metallic Onslaught Web Page - http://devoted.to/onslaught
WEOS Web Page - www.weos.org
Request Line: (315) 781-3897

The Last Exit for the Lost
Every Saturday Night at Midnight till 6am Sunday Morning - Eastern Time
WVBR 93.5 FM - East Hill 105.5 FM - Ithaca
And you can tune in on-line...
The Last Exit for the Lost direct page: http://www.TheLastExit.org
WVBR Web Page: http://WVBR.Com
Request Line: (607) 273-2121
E-mail Requests to: LastExit@...

Chat Room during the show:
http://pub6.bravenet.com/chat/show.php?usernum=450982834&cpv=1
_________________________________________________
If you want to be removed from this list, please just reply and let us know.
And feel free to pass this on to anyone who may find it interesting.

BANDS AND LABELS! IF YOU WANT YOUR NEWS OR SHOW DATES INCLUDED HERE - SEND
THEM ALONG!!!
_________________________________________________

The last one of these I sent out I dated as being August. I still think
it's August. I have no idea why. Ok, so last week stuff happened, mostly
on The Metallic Onslaught. Jeffie took control of things for a while till
Joe showed up. It seemed as if he had almost won over Rick and Lance before
Joe got there. The attached picture is of Joe kicking Jeffie out of the
main control room. In the end, this Jeffie was killed with a Machete that
Joe happened to have with him.

This week The Metallic Onslaught should have up a tag team from Ring of
Honor, who are holding a show in Rochester, or to be specific Spencerport,
on Saturday. Said Ring of Honor show will have an effect on The Last Exit
that I will get to in a moment. Anyway, so they will be there, I don't know
the name of the team, but you can find out more about Ring of Honor at
www.ROHWrestling.com. Also, some of the members of Haunted by Angels may
stop by to promote some of their upcoming stuff (www.HauntedbyAngels.com).

Now, The Last Exit this week, because I will be attending said Ring of Honor
show above, the first hour or so of the show will be hosted by Ithaska and
Rub. I have programmed the music, so don't worry, it won't be ska. It will
be a Tribute to The Past Show. And hopefully we will have some special
guests. We will be playing 7 hours of older music, classic music, obscure
music. Yes, 7 hours, it is daylights savings time, so we get an extra hour.
This show should be the best Tribute we have ever done. I hope. Don't miss
it.

And next week, The Metallic Onslaught will be doing their Halloween show
with a live broadcast by Static Cling from Jelly Beans (the club in Geneva)
starting maybe around 11pm. The Last Exit next week will be our after
Halloween show, with hopefully some fun stuff happening...
_________________________________________________

--------- METAL UPDATE ---------
-- http://www.metalupdate.com --

The Metal Update will deliver a weekly report to your email inbox. To
sign up, go to MetalUpdate.com and click the SUBSCRIBE! link. The Metal
Update is free.

This week's Metal Update went out to over 13,850 subscribers.

-- NEWS --

CRISIS
the band has established a self-operated record label called Children Of
Rage – the first venture will be a re-mastered version of Crisis’ debut ‘8
Convulsions’ released in cooperation with Martyr Music – the album
originally came out in 1994 and has been out of print

GORGOROTH
Gaahl is going to to court on October 20 to face charges of “unordinary
vile use of violence” – the vocalist faces a jail sentence of up to six
years if he is convicted

LORD BELIAL
original drummer Micke Backelin has replaced Daniel Moilanen

THE YEAR OF OUR LORD
the band has broken up due to differences of opinion regarding musical
direction - guitarist Nick Kyte is concentrating on Kayo Dot and drummer
Colin Conway is involved with Frozen

VYNDYKATOR
drummer Chris Scorsese has left the band to concentrate solely on Alchemy
X

THE DREAM IS DEAD
bassist Jason McCash has left the band in order focus more on his family –
his replacement is former Ice Nine guitarist Dave Lawson

EARTHBOUND SMOKE GHOST
the band has ceased to be, but will be reborn as Namanista

ISIS
Robotic Empire will be releasing a series of limited 12"s containing
tracks from the band’s ‘Oceanic’ record remixed by the following: J. K.
Broadrick, 27, Dalek, Christian Fennesz, Thomas Koner, kid606, Buzz
Osborne, DJ Speedranch, Mike Patton, James Plotkin, Venetian Snares, Tim
Hecker and perhaps one or two more

SAXON
a recent settlement of the case that pitted Byford’s Saxon against
Oliver/Dawson’s Saxon enables Biff Byford's band and that band alone to
use the Saxon name by itself, together with the traditional Saxon logo and
Saxon eagle

CANNIBAL CORPSE
the band recently reached the one million mark for combined sales of all
their gore soaked albums

OZZY OSBOURNE
Ozzy has postponed his planned European tour because of the effects of
medication he's taking to treat tremors – one of the side effects of the
medication is dry mouth, which greatly impairs the voice - Ozzy stated: “I
feel like I keep letting you all down which breaks my heart, but you have
my word that I will be over in the New Year to complete my European tour”

KISS
former guitarist Bruce Kulick (current guitarist for Grand Funk Railroad)
was shot at random after leaving the Key Club in Hollywood on Wednesday
night – according to Kulick: “I’m fine and very thankful to be alive, and
I’m back on the road with Grand Funk”

HEADBANGER'S BALL
the MTV2 Headbanger's Ball soundtrack debuted at #34 on the Billboard Top
200 chart selling over 31,000 copies in its first week

NEW SIGNINGS
Nuclear Blast: Imperanon
Abacus Recordings: Burnthe8track
Skyscraper Music: Hanker

-- HELP WANTED --

DRUMMER wanted - Vyndykator seeks drummer – must have studio and touring
experience, professional attitude and the ability to rehearse twice a week
– contact: vynmetal@...

BASSIST wanted – Cincinnati’s Elusive Travel seeks bassist for touring,
recording, etc. - influences:
My Dying Bride, Anathema, Tiamat, Death, Suffocation, Ulver, The
Gathering, Red House Painters, Katatonia – contact: elusivechris@...

KEYBOARDIST wanted - Eastern PA's Season Of Mourning seeks permanent
keyboard player - progressive doom metal influenced by Saturnus, My Dying
Bride, Opeth, Type O Negative, Lucuna Coil - new CD to be released soon -
contact: Seasonstudios@...

GUITARIST wanted – Chicago’s Avernus seeks guitarist - atmospheric metal
band - must have equipment, transportation, passion for melody - must be a
team player - no egos or attitudes need apply – new EP just released –
contact: avernus333@...

BASSIST available - New York bassist seeks pro gig/recording project - pro
gear/attitude - seeking musicians who like the dark melodic side -
influnences: thrash, prog, melodic death, speed - no NU metal inquiries
please - 16 years experience - MP3's available - contact: Kay97mar@...
__________________________________________________________________

For Immediate Release:

New Jersey’s SYMPHONY X Embarks on Headline North American Tour
in Support of Vibrant Epic The Odyssey

Prolific Canadian Act DEVIN TOWNSEND BAND Confirmed as Opener

New Jersey’s premiere symphonic metal act SYMPHONY X has made major waves
around the world since the release of their grandiose magnum opus The
Odyssey. Upon its release, the band performed a solid sold-out North
American tour opening for Germany’s Blind Guardian, have performed a modicum
of additional shows (with Halford and others), and most recently achieved a
spotlight appearance at this year’s sold-out Prog Power IV Festival in
Atlanta. On November 12th, SYMPHONY X embarks on their first-ever full
North American headline tour, with Canada’s DEVIN TOWNSEND BAND in tow.

The Odyssey, an 8-track masterwork of intelligent, classically-influenced
heavy metal music unlike anything America has ever produced, quickly became
the best-selling SoundScanned release in the history of InsideOut Music.
Sweeping melodies and technical prowess define SYMPHONY X’s grandiose
approach, while the dexterous & emotive vocals of (Sir) Russell Allen
complement each composition immaculately. While previous efforts
progressively became more complex & flamboyant, The Odyssey sees the band
refocusing their efforts towards lush songwriting and vivid expression. The
Odyssey also features an adventurous 24-minute, seven-part epic that shares
the album’s namesake, a dynamic piece based on Homer’s heroic poem depicting
man’s undying will despite all tribulations – an ideal paralleling SYMPHONY
X’s own history. Fans will be pleased to note that on this tour, SYMPHONY X
plans to perform the track in its entirety each night! Following the tour,
SYMPHONY X will head back to the studio to craft their next sonic sculpture
for the New Year.

Opening the tour is The Devin Townsend Band, named for its
brilliant/eccentric frontman, the musical madman Devin Townsend, and are
also first-timers for the North American tour circuit. Throughout the years,
Devin has concocted scores of mind-twisting albums, both solo and with his
alter ego Strapping Young Lad. The new album, Accelerated Evolution, also
released through InsideOut Music America (consequently the first Devin
Townsend ‘solo’ release made available in the US), continues Devin’s
masterful prowess as a songwriting technician, as well as a proficient
producer. Accelerated Evolution is packed with sweeping choruses, intense
rhythmic mechanics, and enough tempo shifts & progressive craftiness to make
your head spin – all unified in clockwork harmony and retaining Devin’s own
cardinal rule – HEAVY! Devin is an extraordinary frontman in the live
setting, and frequently instigates physical mania in his fans. This is
definitely a tour not to miss!

Tour dates include:

Wednesday, November 12th Farmingdale, NY
Downtown
Thursday, November 13th Worcester, MA
The Palladium
Friday, November 14th Asbury Park, NJ
Paramount Theater (NJ Metalfest)
Saturday, November 15th Montreal, QC, Can.
Les Foufounes
Sunday, November 16th Toronto, ON, Can.
Club Rocket
Monday, November 17th New Haven, CT
Toads Place
Friday, November 21st W. Springfield, VA
Jaxx
Saturday, November 22nd Cleveland, OH
Agora Theater
Sunday, November 23rd Milwaukee, WI
The Rave
Monday, November 24th Chicago, IL
Metro
Tuesday, November 25th Omaha, NB
Ranch Bowl
Wednesday, November 26th Colorado Springs, CO 32 Blue
Friday, November 28th Santa Ana, CA
Galaxy Theater
Saturday, November 29th Hollywood, CA
Key Club
Sunday, November 30th Phoenix, AZ
Mason Jar
Monday, December 1st Albuquerque, NM
Launch Pad
Tuesday, December 2nd Denver, CO
Bluebird Theater
Thursday, December 4th St. Paul, MN
The Lab
Friday, December 5th Davenport, IA
GC Live
Saturday, December 6th Cincinnati, OH
Bogart’s
Sunday, December 7th Detroit, MI
Shelter
Monday, December 8th Pittsburgh, PA
Hard Rock Café
Wednesday, December 10th Allentown, PA
Crocodile Rock
Thursday, December 11th Baltimore, MD
Fletchers
Friday, December 12th Providence, RI
Ultra
Saturday, December 13th Brooklyn, NY
L’Amours

www.insideoutmusic.com
www.symphonyx.com
www.devintownsend.com
_____________________________________________________________________

The Witching News

Hello Friends!

Thanks to all of you who came out to celebrate the release of our debut CD.
If you haven't yet secured your own personal copy, you can still get one
on-line at http://www.thewitching.com/order/ or send a check for $15 ($13
plus $2 shipping/handling) made out to All Night Records, P.O. Box 662,
Ithaca, NY 14851.

Here's the latest news from The Witching!


Upcoming TV Appearances on Cable Access (Ithaca Channel 13) of The Witching
performing at our CASTAWAYS CD release party are as follows:
Tue. l0/21/03 @ 3PM
Wed. l0/22/03 @ 9:30PM
Thu l0/23/03 @ 9PM

Sunday, October 26, The Witching heads to Binghamton to play a show in
conjunction with the Creative Community Consortium. The Others, Second to
Nothing, You Psychic Bastard and Location will opening for us for this
early, all-day show starting at 3pm at the Comfort Zone, 73 Court St. in
Binghamton. We go on at 8pm, so bring your 5 beans down to the big Bing and
support us. :)

Halloween! Friday, Oct 31st at Castaways in Ithaca, NY, The Witching will
be part of the most insane Halloween show yet! Performances by: The Mofos
(spooky Surf), Glenn (misfits tribute w/ members of Mullets, Drunken War,
UFOs and Re-Issues), The Plank Boys (fathers and sons unite in chaos), and
Knives! (all metal, with a touch of uber opera!)
and very special guest headliner:
JAYNE COUNTY and the ELECTRIC CHAIRS (world famous old school NY
trans-gender hardcore!!!)
Tickets are! $7 advance and $8 at door ($10 without costume)
Show starts at 8:30 pm sharp!! We'll be going on sometime in the middle, so
get there early and feast your ears on some rock 'n' roll.

Saturday, November 1 will see us back in Erie, PA for a show at Forward
Hall, because we just can't get enough Halloween action in one night. Bring
your $5 and your 21+ ghoulish self to this special extended holiday Witching
appearance. Show starts at 9pm.



I like the middle best!

Rock on!

Ruby
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NEWS FROM GORGAR

WILD HORSES UPDATE:

The long awaited second release from LA's Wild Horses " Dead Ahead"
is now officially available throughout Europe from all respected
retail outlets.

BLACK N BLUE RELEASE DELAYED DUE TO TOUR:

The release of Black n Blue's "Hell Yeah!" has been delayed until
January 26th 2004 due to a month of immanent US tour dates, which
will see the band on the road for 1 month. Full details re the dates
will be made available soon!


FEMME FATALE UPDATE:

February 9th 2004 is the confirmed release date for Femme Fatale's
new release. The album currently has the working title of "Lady In
Waiting" and the following tracks look set to be the final track
listing, sound samples will be available during December 2003.

track listing :
01] Till It's Shot 02] Lady In Waiting 03] Lost Generation 04]
Buried Alive 05] Pain and Passion 06] I know
07] Fallen Child 08] The Alley 09] Don't mean nothing 10] Another
Piece of my Heart
______________________________________________________

NOVEMBER 14 & 15 2003
Asbury Park’s Convention Hall
REVOLVER MAGAZINE PRESENTS

NEW JERSEY METAL AND HARDCORE FEST LINEUP CONFIRMED

ASBURY PARK, NJ. – The lineup for this fall’s New Jersey Metal and Hardcore
Fest in Asbury Park, N.J., has been confirmed.

Danzig, Superjoint Ritual, Morbid Angel, Dimmu Borgir, Nevermore, Children
Of Bodom, Hypocrisy, Strapping Young Lad and Symphony X headline the show on
Friday. Cradle Of Filth, Type O Negative, Nile, Deicide, Suffocation, Hate
Eternal, Biohazard, Moonspell and Mastodon headline on Saturday. Also
appearing are Unearth, Krisium, Bongzilla, Diabolic, The Red Chord, A Life
Once Lost, Premonitions Of War, Cannae, Between The Buried And Me, All That
Remains, Dysrhythmia, Lick Golden Sky, Byzantine, Eyes Of Fire, Full Blown
Chaos, With Honor, Subzero, Between The Buried And Me, The End, Watch Them
Die, Withered Earth, Novembers Doom, Crematorium, Wasteform, Misery Index,
Mastodon, Most Precious Blood, The Takeover, Beyond The Embrace, The Black
Dahlia Murder, Bleeding Through, The Killing, Daughters, Held Under, Embrace
Today, Traumacide, Human Decline, A Perfect Murder, Scarlet, All Out War,
Super Villian, Sinai Beach, Scar Culture, Mortician, The Agony Scene, Across
Five Aprils, Malignancy, Backstabbers Incorporated, Fleshgrind, Remembering
Never, Dew Scented, Devil Driver, The Devin Townsend Band, Cattle
Decapitation, Today Is The Day and many more to be announced.

The New Jersey Metal and Hardcore Fest will be held at Asbury Park's
Convention Hall complex on Friday, November 14 at 3:00PM and Saturday,
November 15 at 12 Noon.

Friday individual day tickets are $40. Saturday individual day tickets are
$45. Two-day tickets are $75. We also have a SPECIAL two-day event pass that
Includes event poster, event t-shirt, commemorative festival laminate, CD
sampler, VIP entrance and special VIP area and it costs $150. Tickets are
available NOW at ticketmaster.com (CLICK HERE), all ticketmaster locations
or at Vintage Vinyl in Fords, NJ To charge tickets by phone, call
Ticketmaster at (201) 507-8900 or (609) 520-8383.

MassConcerts, the promoter of the highly successful New England Metal and
Hardcore Fest is working in conjunction with ConcertsEast to present the
festival. In just five years, the New England Metal and Hardcore Fest has
become one of the nation’s top heavy metal festivals. Held at the Palladium
in Worcester, MA., this spring’s edition of the two-day New England show
sold out more than a week in advance and earned rave reviews from media
throughout the continent.

http://www.njmetalandhardcorefest.com/
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Playlist for The Last Exit for the Lost: October 19, 2003
(R) = Requested

Background: L'Orchestre Noir "Eleven"

Eyes of Fire "Disintergrate"
Catamenia "Mirrorized Thoughts"
Dimmu Borgir "For the World to Dictate Our Death"
Kreator "People of the Lie - Live"
Worm Quartet "Strap on Brain"
Eternal Tears of Sorrow "Black Tears"
Rage "Wake the Nightmares"
Under Threat "Behind Mankind's Disguise"
Destruction "Metal Discharge"
Krisiun "Sentinal of the Fallen Earth" (R)
Torso's from Space "Yo Mamma's on the Bang Bus.com" (R)
Planet Gemini "Vertigo" (R)
Haunted By Angels "Neverland"
Nightwish "Daed to the World"
Tristania "Tender Trip on Earth" (R)
HIM "Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart" (R)
Moonspell "From Lowering Skies"
After Forever "Mea Culpa (Acapella Version)"
DuskMusik "Everybody Loves Me"
Theatres Des Vampires "Bloodlust"
Fifth Sun "Burn the Flag"
Beef Savage "Same Vein as Religion" (R)
Primus "Pilcher's Squad"
Sodom "The Saw is the Law - Live"
From Ashes Rise "Them"
Planet Hell "Blister" (R)
Children of Bodom "Silent Scream" (R)
In the Woods "White Rabbit - Live"
Avenged Sevenfold "Waking the Fallen / Unholy Confessions"
Matchbook Romance "Playing for Keeps"
Symphony in Peril "Sifting Through These Ashes"
All Out War "Rise of The Anti-Christ" (R)
Professional Murder Music "Endless"
Mr. Downstairs "One Hand"
Anti-Flag "When You Don't Control your Government People Want to Kill You"
Tomato Head "Punch"
Thrust "Natural (Killing Machine)"
The Bled "Sound of Sulfer"
Unsane "Wait to Lose"
Universal Eye "South of Heaven"
WWIII "Fighting for the Earth"
Mr. Downstairs "Seasons" (R)
Worm Quartet "Great Idea for a Song" (R)
Zakas "Reusable"
Eyes of Fire "Hopeless"
Kill2This "Telephone Call to God / Confused in the Computer Age (Plan B)"
Alice Cooper "I'm So Angry"
Morbid Angel "Within the Enemy"
UnderOath "When the Sun Sleeps" (R)
The Plankboys "Better Off Dead"
The Witching "Wrecking Ball"
Give Up the Ghost "Since Always"
13 Faces "Something Wrong"
The Mofos "Satan A-Go Go"
Rossomahaar "Me, The Misanthrope"
The Finger "Inside My Brain"
Daughters "Nurse, Would You Please Prep the Patient for the Sexual Doctor"
Between the Buried and Me "Mordecai"
From Autumn to Ashes "The After Dinner Payback"
Worm Quartet and Coffee Inc. "Let's Make Fun of the Amish"
Devildriver "Swinging the Dead"
L.A. Guns "Killing Machine"
Pennywise "Change My Mind"
Bang Tango "Someone Like You - Live"
Magus Beast "Born to Kill"
Trivium "Requiem"
Horrified "Deus Diabolus Inversus"
Never The Sunshine "Dirt"
Downdriven "Screaming in Silence"
Colour Trip "Kill My Super Ego"
The Pushrods "Shoot Me"
Worm Quartet "Coffee (2003 Mix)"
Poverty's No Crime "A World Without Me"
Helvis "Black Discharge"
No Retreat "Visionary"
Built Upon Frustration "Where I Belong"
Bleeding Through "Shadow Walker"
Jealous Bitch "Too Good to Sacrifice"
Eyes of Fire "Anyone"
______________________________________

SHOW LISTINGS

Fri, Oct 24: From Autumn to Ashes, Cave In, Every Time I Die, and Prize
Fighter at Planet 505, Syracuse

Fri, Oct 24: Freya, Dope, Society 1, and Torso’s from Space at The Steel
Street Music Hall, Rochester

Sat, Oct 25: Ring of Honor (Indie Wrestling) at Salmon Creek Country Club,
Spencerport, NY (www.rohwrestling.com)

Sat, Oct 25: 3 Monkeys Named Bob at Dutchess Community College, Poughkeepsie

Sat, Oct 25: Bully, Stereotide, and Stone Soul Foundation at The Steel
Street Music Hall, Rochester

Sun, Oct 26: The Witching, The Others, Second to Nothing, You Psychic
Bastard, and Location at The Comfort Zone, Binghamton

Sun, Oct 26: Alice Cooper at Turning Stone, Verona

Sun. Oct 26: Locked in a Vacancy and Knives! at Castaways, Ithaca

Wednesday Oct 29th - UMTV - Underground Music Television Concert Video
Shoot @ Lefty's Underground. 460 Broad Street in Waverly, NY
18+ admitted. Come out the show and appear in our upcoming full concert
video!! The bands and the cameras start at 8pm sharp so get there early to
get up front.
Special Guest band: DeadBolt

Wed, Oct 29: The Bouncing Souls, Tsunami Bomb, Strike Anywhere, and Let It
Burn at The Water Street Music Hall, Rochester

Fri, Oct 31: Fallguy, Blood Stained Betrayal, Ghost, and Dawn of War at Déjà
vu’s, Ontario

Fri, Oct 31: Alice Cooper at Casino Niagara, Niagara Falls

Fri, Oct 31: The Plankboys, The Witching, Jayne County and the Electric
Chairs, The MoFos, KNIVES!, and Glenn (misfits tribute) at Castaways, Ithaca

Fri, Oct 31: KMFDM and Bile at The Water Street Music Hall, Rochester

Fri, Oct 31: Pretty Boy Floyd, Bee Eater, Delusional Spell, Eyes Inward, and
Bitter Flesh Thing at The Steel Street Music Hall, Rochester

Fri, Oct 31: Withered Earth, Tar, Downdriven, Inherence, Intox, and Chaos
Theory at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Sat, Nov 1: Haunted by Angels, Redezra, and Sonarfist at The Roadhouse,
Auburn

Sat, Nov 1: The Witching at Forward Hall, Erie, PA

Wed, Nov 5: Black n’Blue, Bulletboys, and L.A. Guns at The Steel Street
Music Hall, Rochester

Wed, Nov 5: Alkaline Trio, Reggie and The Full Effect, From Autumn to Ashes,
and No Motiv at The Water Street Music Hall, Rochester

Fri, Nov 7: Dimmu Borgir, Nevermore, Children of Bodom, and Hypocrisy at The
Showplace Theater, Buffalo

Sat, Nov 8: The Pushrods at The Canton Grill, Canton, PA

Sun, Nov 9: NY-PENN CD & Record Collector Fair, Holiday Inn, Ithaca

Wed, Nov 12: Static X, Soil, Skrape, and Twisted Method at The Water Street
Music Hall, Rochester

Wed, Nov 12: Morbid Angel, Devildriver, and Superjoint Ritual at The Penny
Arcade, Rochester

Thurs, Nov 13: Give Up the Ghost, Fairweather, The Bled, Daughters, and
Marathon at Planet 505, Syracuse

Fri, Nov 14: Pigface, Dope, Professional Murder Music, and Rachael Stamp at
The Water Street Music Hall, Rochester

Sat, Nov 15: King Diamond at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Sun, Nov 16: Worm Quartet, The Great Luke Ski, The Plankboys, McGnarley's
Rant, and 3 Monkeys Named Bob at Castaways. Ithaca

Wed, Nov 19: Ratt at The Steel Street Music Hall, Rochester

Thurs, Nov 20: Between the Buried and Me, A Life Once Lost, and The End at
The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Fri, Nov 21: Thursday, Thrice, and Coheed and Cambria at The Harro East
Ballroom, Rochester

Fri, Nov 21: Zao, This Day Forward, and The Chemistry at Planet 505,
Syracuse

Wed, Nov 26: Mr. Downstairs and Boiler at The Haunt, Ithaca

Sat, Nov 29: Dog Fashion Disco and King Snyder at The Haunt, Ithaca

Sat, Nov 29: Poison the Well, The Bronx, and Nora at Planet 505, Syracuse

Thurs, Dec 11: The Pushrods and JMJ at The Haunt, Ithaca

Fri, Dec 12: Stephen Percy at The Penny Arcade, Rochester

Sat, Dec 13: Belladonna at The Penny Arcade, Rochester
________________________________________________________________

STRANGE STORIES FOR THE WEEK

BANG-BANGS: Psychologists say parents should give their children
choices instead of commands. A gun-toting Filipino father gave his
son the choice of getting a haircut or having his head blown off.
Joey Ochada, 25, was growing his hair long because he wanted to look
like a singer in the Chinese boy band F4. His car-mechanic father,
Paciano, nagged him to get it cut and eventually lost his patience,
the Philippine Inquirer reported. He aimed a gun at his son and gave
him a choice: a haircut or death. Police arrived and arrested Daddy
for illegal-firearms possession. So much for the latest good-
parenting theory.
_________________________________________________________

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them looking for specific keywords such as death, kill, murder, torture,
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keywords, your WiFi-SM device is activated through the WiFi network and
provides you with an electric impulse. This impulse is calibrated so that
you can feel a certain amount of pain, but is completely safe. Only $49.99!
_____________________________________________________

+----------------- Bizarre Accident Reports ----------------+

[Actual quotes from those involved]

"I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I
put my hand through it."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran
over him."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"I was trying to get out of the ambulance's way when I hit
the pedestrian on the sidewalk."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he boun-
ced off the hood of my car."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
________________________________________________

---------------- Contraceptive Conception ------------------

BANGKOK - A group of Thai bar girls, health officials and a
transvestite blew up condoms and paraded around for the
proud title of "Miss Condom Asia-Pacific." The contest,
featuring 20 contestants from four different nations, aimed
to promote safe sex in Thailand. Competitors wowed the
judges with their condom-blowing skills and knowledge about
the virus. Held in a sprawling block with bars named "G-
Spot" and "Hollywood Strip," the contestants danced to Thai
country tunes on a makeshift stage as a man wearing a green
condom suit frolicked nearby. The title of "Miss Condom"
went to 20-year-old bar girl Parlin Pongprasert, who was
crowned amid shouts and screams from co-workers.
________________________________________________

------------------ An Offensive Offender -------------------

A robber who hit two Miami banks might have gotten away with
his crimes if his feet hadn't gotten sore. After wandering
out of his second bank robbery in 20 minutes, police said
Daniel Gallagher stopped to rest his tired feet. He plopped
down on a patch of grass to relax, unfortunately, his loun-
ging spot was within sight of a police officer questioning
a witness. "His feet were tired," said Detective Delrish
Moss. "He's a bank robber. I didn't say he was brilliant."
Police say that during his hold-ups, Gallagher threatened
to detonate a bomb unless the teller handed over $100. It
was later discovered his "explosive" was a cold can of Mil-
ler beer in a bag. When he was taken to police headquar-
ters, he revealed his motive, saying, "I'm ugly and I smell
bad, so I can't get a job. I gotta get money somehow."
________________________________________________

------------------- A Bloody Good Meal ---------------------

LONDON - A Scottish man was jailed for life because he
killed his best friend, drank his blood and ate part of his
skull. Apparently, he was a tad obsessed with vampires.
Allan Menzies told the High Court in Edinburgh, Scotland,
that he had made a pact with the female vampire, Akasha,
from the 2002 horror film "Queen of the Damned" and stabbed
his friend Thomas McKendrick to death in the hopes of becom-
ing immortal. He said that the character Akasha, played by
the late singer Aaliyah, had visited his home and told him
to go through with the killing. A judge sentenced Menzies
to at least 18 years without parole, calling him an "evil,
violent and highly dangerous man who is not fit to be at
liberty."
____________________________________________

Alongside recent weight-loss and body-part-growth mass e-mails
have been messages of Robert Todino, 22, of Woburn, Mass., who
uses the spam (100 million messages so far) to locate time-travel
hardware to buy because of his need to revisit his childhood, during
which he believes a woman drugged him and implanted a device to
give her followers the ability to monitor his every move. According
to an August Wired magazine story, Todino has earnestly been
seeking an "Acme 5X24 series time transducing capacitor with
built-in temporal displacement" and an "AMD Dimensional Warp
Generator module containing the GRC79 induction motor," among
other gadgets, but that "the conspiracy" has subverted his attempts
to acquire them.
__________________________________________________

In September, religious fundamentalists brawled in Brooklyn,
N.Y., when the locally dominant Satmar sect of ultra-Orthodox
Jews moved aggressively against slightly less-ultra-Orthodox Jews
who were using a loophole to be able to push baby strollers and
wheelchairs around during the Sabbath, when such activity is
prohibited in public. "The [Satmars] were like animals," said a
security guard who witnessed the incident. (The "eruv" loophole
allows such labor inside a symbolic wall, which the more liberal
ultras had constructed with sticks and string.)
_________________________________________________

Alan Dundes, *The Shabbat Elevator and Other Sabbath Subterfuges*. Lanham,
MD: Rowman and Littlefield, 2002, p. 109.

[S]ome ultra-Orthodox Jews in Israel do not flush their toilets on the
Sabbath as evidently the act of pulling a lever or chain is construed as
work. There is also the issue of water and its contents flowing from a
private to a public domain (Zivotofsky 1995, 125). As far as one can tell,
defecation is permitted on the Sabbath -- why else would one bother to
pretear toilet paper in anticipation of that event? What is not permitted
is the flushing of a toilet, a prohibition that has the unfortunate
consequence of causing an unpleasant smell to emanate from the bathroom
during the Sabbath. Still, a bad odor is evidently preferable to violating
the Sabbath by flushing the toilet. In the rabbinical discussion of this
question, some authorities have contended that flushing a toilet on the
Sabbath is not a problem (Neuwirth 1989, 332; Zivotofsky 1995, 125n105).
_________________________________________________

* Thinning the Herd: A 20-year-old man was killed in Denver
during afternoon rush hour on September 1 when he jumped from a
car going about 40 mph; according to friends, he had been planning
a non-fatal jump for a while because he wanted to endure some
trauma in order to muster the courage to get a tattoo.
_______________________________________________

-------------- Flushing Away the Competition ---------------

Twenty-two outhouses and portable toilets competed last
weekend in the annual Outhouse Races to win the Royal Flush
Trophy. With such names as "Pee II" and the "Urinator,"
they catapulted down the main drag of town before cheering
fans. The races started in 1999 and are inspired from the
time when Storey County banned outhouses and citizens pro-
tested by placing their outhouses on wheels and rolling
them down Main Street. In order to compete in the race,
the outhouses had to be at least 6 feet tall and weigh 200
pounds, have a toilet and toilet paper and have a maximum
of three people pushing it. The Royal Flush Trophy is a
glass outhouse, but participants can also win other prizes
such as a toilet seat and bedpan.
__________________________________________________

-------- "Oops...Sorry We Ate Your Great Grandson" ---------

SUVA, Fiji - A former cannibal colony in Fiji has invited
the British family of the last white man they ate to visit
for an apology. Local media reported a remote village on the
island of Viti Levu invited the descendants of the late
missionary, the Rev. Thomas Baker, to visit next month. Ba-
ker was killed and cooked by the people of Tui Navatusila
July 21, 1867, after he took a comb out of a chief's hair.
One villager who took part in the feast was quoted in con-
temporary accounts as saying, "We ate everything but his
boots." Fiji's Prime Minister, Laisenia Qarase, is expected
to attend the traditional apology. Cannibalism died out in
Fiji in the mid-19th century with the introduction of Chris-
tianity.
________________________________________________

A DOG'S LIFE: A man decided to take revenge on his neighbour by
buying a dog and naming it after her. Fang, a resident of Wulong in
Chongqing, China, bought a dog and named it Ling Ling--almost the
same name as the woman who lived next door to him, who was known as
Lin Ling. He then got into the habit of making loud remarks at home
and in public places about the dreadful behaviour of Ling Ling. He
even uttered curses against Ling Ling, the Chongqing Morning Post
reported. Lin is demanding the equivalent of $100 in compensation for
a damaged reputation.
_______________________________________________

Apple Introduces iPorn Movie Store
By Damien Sorresso
BBSpot.com

Cupertino, CA - Hot on the heels of its success with the acclaimed iTunes
Music Store, Apple have set about to revolutionize another entertainment
venue, that of pr0n.

Today at a special press event, Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the iPorn
Movie Store. Just as Jobs addressed the problems plaguing online music
downloading, he hopes to do so with downloadable pornography.

"We're excited about this new service," Jobs said at the special keynote
address. "We've taken a good look at peer-to-peer porn downloading, and we
think we've got this one nailed." Jobs went on to describe the problems of
downloaded pornography.

"What is a horny 15 to 25 year-old male looking for when he goes on Kazaa?
Two things, either music or porn. When he's not looking for one, he's
seeking out the other. But downloading porn from peer-to-peer networks can
sometimes be frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying." Jobs then gave a
specific list of problems with peer-to-peer network porn.

"The way we see it, there are just tons of disadvantages with the current
system. But we've identified 5 major areas where peer-to-peer users are
dissatisfied," Jobs said, with a numbered list appearing on the 50-foot
screen behind him.

"First, you can't always find what you're looking for. Most of the time, a
downloader isn't looking for any specific clip; he's usually looking for a
clip of a certain genre, sexual position, technique or porn star. The file
names are either non-descriptive or just misleading. Sometimes a clip that
claims to be of Jenna Jameson is actually some amateur video with a random
double-D-cup blonde. And, there's nothing like looking for a good oral sex
clip and then finding out that it's horse porn. The clips on the iPorn Music
Store have a paragraph of explanatory text telling the customer who's in it
and the sexual positions used in the clip."

"Second, the quality is terrible. Many peer-to-peer users have learned to
cope with the bad quality video they manage to get, but they'd never put up
with it in a DVD rip. That's why we're encoding each clip in high-quality
MPEG-4 video at 640 width. It's sad to think that 99% of the porn-viewing
population between the ages of 18 and 24 don't know that Devon has 3 nipples
because they've only seen low-bitrate, postage-stamp sized clips of her in
action! Best of all, we're making the audio track optional. Why waste time
downloading a clip with audio when you're just going to mute the sound so
your roommate or parents don't become aware of your shame?"

"Third, the download rates are slow. How many times have we started a
download of the porn clip we've been dreaming of only to find out the other
side has stalled or is behind some college network's firewall? We've been
serving up video bits at over 200 kB/s for years on our QuickTime trailer
site. Not only do we provide the porn community with high-quality video, but
we do it so fast that they get their fix right away."

"Fourth, there are no previews. The first 30 seconds of a porn clip is
usually enough to tell whether you want the rest of it or not. So we're
providing customers with a 30-second preview of the clips they're interested
in. The preview is streamed to them in MPEG-4 video. We think that this is
going to be killer."

"Last, many clips are incomplete. There's nothing worse than finally finding
the fast source with the clip you want and then finding out that it cuts off
before the money shot while you're mid-coitus! That's why all of our clips
are guaranteed to have money shots when they involve men and women. We think
this alone will attract several customers."

Jobs then showed off a demo of the service, in which the service, when fired
up, would inquire about the user's level of arousal and filter clips of
length based on the user's response. He performed a search for Chasey Lain
and sorted the results by film, director, male co-star, and position.
"There's even a special filter that will omit any results containing 'Ron
Jeremy,'" Jobs said. "There's nothing like that guy's ugly, hairy mug to
ruin a good viewing."

On-hand at the unveiling were many big-name stars in the adult entertainment
business, including Jenna Jameson and Peter North, who announced that they
had filmed a special, deluxe 10-minute clip exclusively for the iPorn Movie
Store.

Jobs also revealed that Apple's new service would be opening its doors to
amateur porn artists, as well. "There's a whole part of the population which
loves amateur porn, and we don't want to leave them out. We encourage
creativity, and we even provide promising amateur artists with a free copy
of Final Cut Express to fully realize their creative visions."

Jobs left the stage to thunderous applause and covering his pelvis with a
high school algebra book.
_________________________________________

WORST E-MAIL SCAM EVER!!!

From: xxxxxx@...]
Sent: Saturday, October 11, 2003 8:34 AM
To: submissions@...
Subject: You credit card has been charged for $234.65

Important notice

We have just charged your credit card for money laundry service in amount of
$234.65 (because you are either child pornography webmaster or deal with
dirty money, which require us to layndry them and then send to your checking
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http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_829627.html

Judge caught masturbating in court

A French judge has been caught masturbating in court.

According to newspaper Charente Libre, one of whose reporters witnessed
the scene, the unnamed magistrate masturbated while an attorney was
pleading his case.

French Justice Minister Dominique Perben has asked a judicial council to
review the case, officials confirmed.

Several witnesses confirmed to the newspaper that they saw the judge
raise his judicial gown, open his trousers and "perform unmistakable
movements".

The justice ministry source said Perben will ask the Superior Council of
Judges to investigate and impose sanctions. Punishment is likely to
include a temporary suspension from duty.
___________________________________________-

HAIR METAL DID NOT EXIST, HAIR FARMERS REVEAL
www.InfernalCombustion.com

When acclaimed metal journalist Chuck Klosterman decided to write an
encyclopedic, tell-all history of the glammed-out hard rock of the 1980's
commonly known as “hair metal,” he ran into one problem: according to the
bands he talked to, not one band existed who played that style.


“You'd have to ask someone else about that,” said butt-rock nancy-boy Bobby
Dall, of Poison fame. “I mean, we were a hard rock band, I'll give you that.
But we drew our influences from the New York Dolls and Cheap Trick, you
know? I mean, some of those other bands, the ones who came up in our wake,
might be considered hair metal, but definitely not us.”


“Hmm… nope, doesn't really ring a bell – 'hair' metal, you say?” asked
Faster Pussycat vocalist Taime Downe, polishing his leather boots with
guitarist Brent Muscat's back hair while being fitted for a monocle and
German army helmet. “We considered ourselves the next logical step from
Aerosmith and Generation X, really. This band has never really even given
its image much thought, to be honest with you – maybe The Man woulda kept us
around longer if we had!”


Klosterman encountered similar resistance all over the world – Japanese
poufs E-Z-O claimed to be the descendents of the New Wave of British Heavy
Metal, while British leatherboyz Tigertailz insisted that they were the
“bastard children of Alice Cooper, Muddy Waters and the MC5.” Even the most
obscure dolled-up transvestite cock-rockers denied the “hair metal” tag –
perennial Sunset Strip losers Cherry St. calling themselves “funktified
neo-grunge-pop” and forgotten cheese merchant Lizzie Grey of Spiders and
Snakes referring to his never-was poodle-metal band as “kinda like the
[Rolling] Stones meets Funkadelic, maybe with Lemmy driving the bus.”


“Well, this isn't real surprising,” pointed out Bulletboys frontman Marq
Torien. “A lot of these guys still have some vain hope of getting another
band going, or at least cashing in with some retro touring or something. And
even with the whole VH1 Classic, novelty thing going on, that tag limits
your audience. Despite the fact that even the big guns of the genre, like
Warrant and Winger, couldn't transcend it and keep a career going, somehow
these palookas think that they're the ones that are gonna be reborn and
storm the charts again. It's kinda sad, if you think about it.


“Which I don't really have time to do,” he concluded, “since my alt-country
electronica trip-hop screamo pop-punk outfit the Bulletboys are this close
to getting back out on the road. Good luck on that book, dude!” Torien was
then knocked unconscious by a flying brick, thrown from an AMC Gremlin with
the vanity plate KIPWNGR, as a voice yelled “I was blue-eyed soul meets
death metal, you played-out cock holster!”


- Keith Bergman
with special thanks to Jeremiah Evans
_____________________________________________

PAUL STANLEY TIME-TRAVELS FROM 2027 TO STOP KISS REUNION TOUR
www.InfernalCombustion.com

Kiss Guitarist Paul Stanley, ca. 2027

With their reunion tour showing no signs of letting up – despite the loss of
original guitarist Ace Frehley – the Kiss juggernaut continues to roll
across the country, adding 24 more dates to their extended co-headlining
tour with Aerosmith, and promising another tour for 2004. Though it's been
eight years since the original MTV Unplugged special that brought the
classic Kiss lineup together, the “reunion tour” it sparked seems to have no
end in sight.


However, Infernal Combustion has learned that a bizarre, almost unimaginable
event took place last Friday in Mountain View, California, that casts doubt
on the future of the band's endeavors. According to reliable sources, as the
road crew was preparing to unload the trailers of equipment in the early
morning hours, there was a flash of lightning, and a naked, elderly,
confused, hairy man emerged from the shadows behind a Dumpster.


The man, his chest and back hair a fine silver/gray, insisted that he was,
in fact, Paul Stanley – but a future version of the man, who'd come back in
time to end the Kiss reunion tour “before it's too late for mankind.” The
man, who doctors confirmed “could well be” the 75 years of age Stanley would
be in 2027, warned of dire consequences should the band be permitted to
continue.


“Gene [Simmons] wants more – he always has and always will,” croaked the
elderly future Stanley, sipping warm milk from a Kiss Kup backstage. “And we
all thought that was fine. When Peter [Criss] wrecked his hovercar in '11,
when we were on that USO tour of [Martian moon] Deimos, I figured we'd call
it a day, though. After all, we were pushing sixty, our robotic Tommy
Thayers kept shorting out during “Strutter,” and our drummer had just driven
into a mercury pool and liquefied himself. But still, Gene wanted to keep
going.


“By 2019, it's pretty much a nightmare,” Stanley sobbed, munching on some
cold, unbuttered Kiss Krouton toast from the snack bar. “Most of what you
know as the Pacific Rim is leveled – what land isn't scorched by radiation
or untested toxic glitter paint is taken up with sprawling industrial parks,
all making Kiss merchandise. A lot of the European governments have
collapsed, and Gene's leveled trade sanctions against most of the former
Soviet republics and the Middle East. The US is in a depression, and Gene
won't lend the government any more money until President Timberlake agrees
to put his face on the twenty. And he added 'Lick It Up' back into the set
list!


“And through it all, we just keep touring... and touring... and touring,”
Stanley moans, mopping his brow with a Kiss-ex tissue. “We travel at night,
cruising across the nation in our H-K's – that's 'hover kraft', you see –
and every day we hit another town. Those humans that have survived drag
themselves out to the arena for the show – it's all they remember. It's all
they know how to do. As soon as one of them makes a few dollars, Gene
invents another product for them to buy.


“And the worst is yet to come. Some of us in the underground resistance –
the ones who want the 'Music From the Elders' tour stopped for good – have
estimated that by 2036, Gene will actually own everything. He's already got
most of Earth, a good chunk of Venus, and a lien on Mars. Please… you have
to help me stop him. I don't care if we kill him, take him prisoner, or
convince him to sink all his money into the WNBA – somehow, he must be taken
down.”


At that point, security guards loyal to Simmons rushed the elderly future
Paul and tried to neutralize him. The crafty time traveler dodged bullets,
fled though the arena complex, and resisted all attempts at capture, until
he rounded a corner and came face-to-face with a smiling Gene Simmons. The
bassist presented the future Stanley with a bill for “food, milk, tissue,
rental of Kiss Kup, rental of Kiss Kchair, oxygen (itemized by estimated
cubic foot inhaled), and a 35% deposit against “estimated future oxygen
consumption and restroom facility depreciation.” Faced with an assault of
this nature, the septuagenarian Stanley collapsed, and was taken into
custody.


Simmons promised a “full, fair and balanced report” on the day's historic
events, neither confirming nor denying the existence in our time of visitors
from the future. He did, however, exhort all fans to stop by the merch booth
for tonight's show, to pick up their limited-edition, hand-numbered “Time
Traveling 2027 Man Paul Stanley” action figure and blacklight poster.
______________________________________________

The Onion

God's Gift To Women Returned
TUCSON, AZ—Moments after unsuccessfully propositioning all of the female
patrons at the Kon Tiki Lounge, God's gift to women, 31-year-old Patrick
Roland, was returned to his maker Monday night. "That Pat guy was cute, but
he sure was pushy," said Debbie Werner, a fellow Lounge patron. "He kept
trying to buy me Cosmos, but I told him to buzz off. A few minutes later, he
stumbled out the door and got run over by a bus." Werner said she hopes that
next time God's feeling generous, He gives women something more useful, like
money.
__________________________________________________

This is an attempt to get people a little more into what's going on in the
music scene these days. As well as to keep people at least a little
informed about what is going on at our weekly broadcasts of chaos.
Please feel free to send all comments, suggestions, corrections, additions,
and whatever else that might help make this more useful.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might find it
interesting. Bands wanting to submit material for airplay can do so by
sending it to Aethyric Productions, Po Box 224, Ovid, Ny 14521-0224.

And e-mail us your show dates to add to the list above...

Some parts of this email were cleaned by emailStripper, available for free
from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm
Some Quotes from Ruminations (ruminations-subscribe@...)

Some stories taken from News of the Weird (www.NewsoftheWeird.com) and
Bizarre News (www.bizarrenews.com). Go to their sites to subscribe to their
weekly e-mails filled with such real news stories... Other stories from
http://www.ananova.com. Also, some parody stories have come from
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/, http://theonion.com/, and
http://www.infernalcombustion.com/. Other sources noted where applicable...