"Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after
staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose.
This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It
is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or
destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It's us. Only us. Streets stank
of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to
ice, shattering them."
- Rorschach, from WATCHMEN by Alan Moore


As I lay in bed on this grey Sunday afternoon, recovering from the
indulgences of my weekend and waiting for this snow storm everyone is
talking about, I thought I'd share some of these experiences with
those of you who may care.
In anticipation of the WATCHMEN movie being released this Friday, I
will attempt to emulate Rorschach's journal entries in my
descriptions. i will warn you in advance, this isn't going to be a
short read.

February 27, 2009
Woke at 5am. Anxiety and depression. Dreams of Her still plaguing me.
Cried myself to sleep two nights in a row. Attempted to prepare myself
mentally for being back in social arenas after weeks of self-imposed
isolation. Back to sleep.
Woke again at 9am. Stayed in bed until 10, disassembled recording
setup and packed it for travel. Broke leg off the table where my vocal
setup sits while trying to pry microphone cord free. Annoying.

Showered and got dressed. First time wearing clean clothes in two
days. Packed car with gear and merch. Drove to Lenny's house in
Jersey. The winds buffeted traffic like a series of small tornadoes.
Grey skies and warm air. Thought about how much I miss Her. Cried more.
Arrived at Lenny's around 12:45, a dull nagging hunger in my gut.
Put new discs into sleeves for the ORIGINS UNFOLD release while Lenny
packed his gear and merch in the basement. Lenny eventually came
upstairs and helped with the process. Discussed plans for eating. I
cooked ravioli and made a cheese sandwich. Lenny and Heather have a
lot of food in their house. I'm not used to seeing a fully stocked
refrigerator.

Heather came home, vacillating about whether she was too tired to come
to Philadelphia. She finally decided that she would. We waited for
CENOTYPE member Clive Reinhold to arrive, Heather's friends Nicole and
Kim as well.
Packed Lenny's truck. Lenny, Clive and myself driving independently
from the women.
Some small amount of traffic on the NJ Turnpike. Lenny can be very
highly strung at times, I feel a profound connection to him in spite
of the ten year difference in our ages. He's a good friend. I am glad
I know him.

Felt sad that She was not participating in this experience, pangs of
loneliness always just beneath the surface of every moment. Concerned
that this would affect the rest of the night. Tried not to think about it.

Made good time on trip to Philadelphia. Arrived at Digital Ferret with
good amount of time prior to start of event. Found parking across the
street from the venue. Loaded in without incident. Haven't seen Joe or
Greg in several years. Good guys, nice to see familiar faces. Put me
at ease. Had good conversation with Dean, organiser of the event.
Common ground. I sometimes forget how important it is to make positive
connections with people. Set up went quickly, soundcheck took some
time but ultimately, things worked out as perfectly as they could have.

Jason texted that he and Butchie would be late. Flat tire on highway.
I assured him that soundcheck was taking some time, so no worries.
Later, Jason and Butchie walked in, Jason smiling when he saw me. I
said he looked evil, a black goatee across his face like a mirror
universe version of him. He said that was the point. Boxes of THE
GOSPELS OF THE GASH under their arms. Broke open boxes, my hands were
covered in pizza grease, but was anxious to hold one. Opened it with
Butchie's help. A black bible containing the most painful moments of
the last 4 years of my life distilled into sound. A crowning
achievement, the final release by NTT.

Butchie gave me a copy of the new ADERLATING disc on his label
SHADOWGRAPH. Side project of GNAW THEIR TONGUES. Looking forward to
hearing it. Favourite track title: CUT OFF MY PENIS IN PRAISE OF BLACK
SATAN.

Started playing around 8:30pm. First performance under THEOLOGIAN
name. Sound was good and loud. Nervous about singing in front of
people again after almost a year since last live appearance. Hands
shaking. Knees buckling. Problem in vocal effects chain toward the end
of set. Irritating. Disappointed by technical issues. Response from
those in attendance was positive. Was repeatedly told problems went
unnoticed. Jonathan Canady's girlfriend Suzie was first to approach me
after I was finished. She said "Good set." Didn't recognise her at
first, preoccupied with breaking gear down and still a bit annoyed by
problem with effects. Snapped out of it quickly. Glad to see Jonathan
and Suzie.

Lenny reminded me that I was doing vocals with CENOTYPE for our
collaborative track JUSTICE, the last piece of their live set. Plugged
my effects chain back in, prepared mixer for him. Sat down behind
table with headphones on, made adjustments in volume periodically.
Closed eyes and listened. Sounded crisp and clear. Addition of
Reinhold makes a difference. Wished his synth was separate in the
mixer so I could ride his levels. Next time. Did JUSTICE. Screamed
names of serial killers and methods of state-sanctioned execution.
"kill them all." Cathartic. Learned later that Heather's friend Nicole
had to go outside during this part of the set. Physical reaction to
the combination of sounds and frequencies. Almost vomited. Heard Lenny
say from several feet away that I would think that was great. He was
not mistaken.

Sold some merch to Joe for sale in the store. Jason took copies of new
THEOLOGIAN cdr and cassette, as well as other ANNIHILVS releases and
all my copies of the BLACK SUN PARALYSER vinyl. Sold things to Dean as
well. Facilitated a deal with Jason and lenny for ORIGINS UNFOLD. Glad
to help. We mingle and try to decide what to do in the time before
heading to ABOMINATION RISE, large club event where Lenny was
appearing as a guest DJ. Bought something for Her, against friendly
advice.
Left gear and merch in the store to be picked up later. Said our
goodbyes to Jason and Butchie, as well as Heather and her friends,
drove convoy-style to the next location.

After brief hassle in parking lot, walked to venue. Realised at the
door I'd left my wallet in my coat in Lenny's car. He walked back with
me to retrieve it. Went into club. Hot, sweaty, crowded with bodies.
Glo-sticks and black fishnet everywhere. Half naked girl dancing on
raised platform instantly dredges up my contempt. Winding up
stairwells and dimly-lit corridors. We find the room where Lenny is
spinning. Reinhold and I go to bar as Lenny speaks with acquaintances.
I buy a round for us. We still haven't eaten much. Finally locate a
comfortable place to sit with Joe and Greg and others who were at the
store. Red velvet booth with small table. My eyes pass across those in
the room. More glo-sticks, more fishnet. A lot of ugly women and
girls. A lot of half-naked and attractive young ladies. None of them
appeal to me. I think of Her. Three beers in, two hours later, and my
mood has descended into the blackness. Tears loiter in the corners of
my eyes at brief intervals. I think about texting Her, but the cliche
is too ridiculous to indulge in. Swallow this pain.

The hours slide by and Lenny is behind the decks. Requested NOTHING
SEEN, NOTHING DONE and CONCRETE RAGE, which Lenny faithfully plays,
perfectly incorporating them within his set. I take some photographs,
Siobhean's pink camera always the butt of jokes when in my hands. The
dark prince holding a pink camera. Comedy.

2am finally presents itself to us. Time to get the fuck out of here.
We leave en masse, returning to Digital Ferret to retrieve our gear
with Dean and his girlfriend Renee, who help us load the truck. Thanks
and goodbyes.Back on the road. Lenny asks us not to pass out so he can
stay awake and focussed while driving. I am unable to oblige, through
no fault of my own. We stop for food, WaWa is too confusing for me in
my state. Lenny has to help me order. I feel disgusted by the people
in this place. The proximity of this particular breed of humankind
creates a terrible anxiety within me. I am so out of sorts, this food
actually tastes good.

I wake up an unknown amount of time later. Parking lot at a rest stop.
Lenny tells me Reinhold had to stop. Wasn't feeling well. Goes inside
to check on him. I fight to keep eyes open but unconsciousness pulls
at me like a rat on a garbage heap.
More time passes, I slowly grow uncomfortably cold. They finally come
back. Reinhold first, then Lenny some moments later. I sleep.

February 28, 2009
We arrived at Lenny's house some time between 4-6am. The air was
freezing, and my teeth chattered as we unloaded the truck, throwing my
gear and merch into the back of my car with numb hands. Teeth
chattering, I parked in front of Lenny's house and ran inside. Lenny
gave me a sleeping bag, a blanket and a pillow. I made myself
comfortable on the couch. Cartoon Network.
One of Heather's two black cats, Ezekiel or Elijah, came to me
purring. Crawling into the sleeping bag, he stopped at my knees and
turned around, making himself comfortable in my crotch.
Reminded me of Her cat, who sometimes crawled under the covers as we
lay together. Tears. Sleep.

Woke up and checked email using Heather's laptop. Messages from Jason,
too tired to reply. Slowly crawled out of neurological haze. Heather
came into the room, needing her laptop for schoolwork. She gave me
Lenny's laptop. Too lazy/tired/confused to get my own from my bag. We
chatted as she studied, Lenny eventually got up and went to get us all
some bagels. Sat up and ate breakfast. After many hours, was finally
able to stand up. Lenny and I went to Cafe Soundz and sold some merch
to Bobby. Showed us photos and video of his new property in Costa
Rica. Took Lenny home and drove back to Nyack.

Stopped at grocery store, bought snacks for friends coming over to
watch movies.
Cleaned up and prepared house for guests. Marija showed up and I took
shower. More friends came, more food. Beer. Dogs. Enjoyed myself in
spite of overwhelming inner sense of loneliness. Some drama, people
experiencing struggles far more difficult than mine. Feel lucky to
have the friends I do. Don't deserve them.

March 1, 2009
Wake up alone again. Hung over and feeling sick from two days of
social activity after such a long period of introversion and sloth.
Coming to terms with the idea that She doesn't love me. What I feel
for Her will never cease. She brought out the best in me. Now She's gone.








1. THEOLOGIAN. PERSONA/INJURY CDR
The first 'official' release by this new post-NTT industrial project
contains two long tracks of dark, melancholy drones and malevolent
rhythms, intermingling in an atmosphere of lonely bitterness. Released
on ANNIHILVS, unveiled at the premiere performance by THEOLOGIAN at
DIGITAL FERRET in Philadelphia on February 27, and now available
exclusively via MALIGNANT RECORDS.
MALIGNANT catalogue description:

The formal debut of the new project from Lee Bartow (Navicon Torture
Technologies). More straightforward than NTT, but immensely powerful.
Two long tracks, the first offering sheets of cold, penetrating drones
that are singular in nature, but still carry a ton of weight and
intensity to them, with vocals that come slicing through the buzz. The
second is the more melodic of the two, with Lee's soaring vocals
floating over a percolating synth bed and glitchy noises.

http://www.malignantrecords.com/catalog

2. THEOLOGIAN. A LIFE OF CONSTANT STRUGGLE C20
Echoing from the deepest shafts within a doomed soul comes A LIFE OF
CONSTANT STRUGGLE, the new cassette release from THEOLOGIAN on DANVERS
STATE RECORDINGS – four tracks of insolently simplistic industrial
agony from the lightless world beyond the schism.
The 20-minute cassette comes with a 6x6 inch professionally-printed
cardstock insert, packaged in a resealable, medical-grade black vinyl
bag. Includes black latex gloves and a THEOLOGIAN sticker. Limited to
50 copies.

Officially available February 27 at the debut performance by
THEOLOGIAN at DIGITAL FERRET in Philadelphia. Contact the label for
ordering info.

http://danversstaterecordings.blogspot.com

3. NTT. THE GOSPELS OF THE GASH 2XCD
The final and definitive double CD release from NTT, THE GOSPELS OF
THE GASH chronicles one man's journey into a world devoid of light or
hope. This is a place where the air is alive with the stink of pain
and the beating of great black wings. The two discs compile material
from a slew of limited releases from 2005-2007, as well as newer
tracks recorded specifically for this release. THE GOSPELS OF THE GASH
includes collaborations with various stalwart members of the NTT
priesthood and more recent recruits, from AUTOCLAV 1.1 to CENOTYPE,
COVET, FRAGMENT KING, and M SLAGLE.
Packaged in a two-tray DVDigipak with layout and artwork by Leech and
Jorden Haley (www.karbine.com), this release is a fitting funerary
rite for NTT.

http://www.malignantrecords.com