FEATURE ARTICLE
COMMUNICATION AND INTIMACY IN RELATIONSHIPS
by Yolanda M. Johnson
Wow. Where should I start? How about here? What are two of the top reasons relationships don’t work? I’m sure you’ll find several reasons. But the two most important are communication and intimacy. If you are not communicating or if you’re not experiencing various forms of intimacy, your relationship is headed for, if not already in, trouble.
Think about it. Without communication things tend to crash and burn. We can use the new age electronic scenario. With the advancement of technology in this day and age, we use vices such as telephone, cell phone, e-mail, instant messaging and fax machines to communicate. Without these many forms of communications, many of us would be lost. Come on. I don’t know about you, but I would become totally dysfunctional without my computer and e-mail. It is how I communicate with other authors, AMAG’s founder, pay bills, submit reviews, buy books and other items and research.
The same thing goes for relationships. If a man and a woman do not communicate, there is no clarity, therefore confusion sets in. Let’s say a couple have a phone conversation earlier in the day. They both agree to meet at the local spot in the middle of Dallas’ nightlife. The man finds out that he has to stay at the office late because a meeting ran over or he had an incident he had to resolve for a client. If he does not call the woman and communicate this with her, confusion will set in, and the case of a black woman, eventually anger, which will lead to an argument, hurtful words, and eventually a break up. What happened? The man did not communicate to the woman that he had to work late; therefore she waited for him, expecting him to be where he said he would be. Trust me men, it is not a good feeling for a woman to be stood up without any form of communication. You are playing with fire.
Okay, I have another example. A man is longing for more sex (we’re all adults, let’s be real) from his woman, but she thinks that she is doing what he wants her to do. Night after night, love session after love session, they go on. She continues to do what she thinks is making him happy, and he fails to communicate that he longs for more. So what do you think will be the result of this lack of communication? Right. He will become resentful of her. He then will somehow, someway find someone that IS willing to do what he wants her to do. He starts cheating and when the woman finds out she is hurt. This could have all been prevented had the man told the woman what he likes. This could have also been provided had the woman asked the man what he liked instead of assuming what he liked.
Lack of communication in relationships has caused major problems involving finances, sex, children, family and something as simple as taking out the trash. Ultimately lack of communication can result in a bad break up or a bitter divorce.
According to coach Rinatta Paries, there are five styles of communication in romantic relationships. They are:
- The silent couple
- The argument avoiding couple
- The fighting couple
- The friends/partners couple
- The fully intimate couple
Let’s first explore the silent couple. This couple talks about everything but personal issues. They seldom talk about how they feel, personal goals or dreams. They both assume what the other wants and feels. They are outwardly content with having each other around but they fail to connect on an emotional and or spiritual level. The argument-avoiding couple avoids any type of conflict. They are okay until there is a problem then they break away physically, emotionally and spiritually. Intimacy then becomes minimal and instead of saying how he or she feels, the other will say what they think the other wants to hear. Ah, the fighting couple. The fighting couple often plays the blame game. Their communication is geared more toward the negative than the positive. Arguments are a given and disaster are inevitable. Hey now this one looks familiar. The friends/partners couple. I’m sure we’ve all had one of these. What? Don’t tell me I’m the only one. This couple can usually communicate and even talk about personal things. They work well together and get along very well. However, one or both of them will avoid deep emotional and or physical intimacy. Can you say playing with fire? Lastly there is the fully intimate couple. This is usually an open relationship where both parties can and do speak their minds and they do not fear emotional or physical intimacy. Profoundly, many are not comfortable in this type of relationship. Why? Because they don’t want to put in the work and view this type of relationship to hard to maintain. Few couples have mastered this relationship.
Don’t fret; coach Paries did not leaves hanging. She also gave a few suggestions in dealing with these types of relationships. Coach Paries says that it is fine to want as much or as little intimacy and communication as you want, but you end up with a partner that feels the same way. Or perhaps he or she doesn’t want you to grow in these areas. A couple can move from various levels of communication this is all well and dandy if the couple continues to achieve these levels together. I happen to like this one being that I am a single woman so I’ll quote Coach Paries word for word, “Be observant of what level you would like to function at with your partner and what level your partner comfortably functions at. Encourage as much intimacy as you are comfortable with. If you are single, date people who ultimately want the same level of intimacy you want. If you are not sure what they want, ask them -- they will tell you.” Or at least you hope. We all know, this isn't always the case. And finally Coach Paries states that some people only know how to function on one communication level. This is something to be on the look out when seeking and forming relationships. If the two of you are not on the same level, the relationship will be complicated.
Another thing that we have to remember is that men and women communicate in different ways. And as much as some of you will disagree or hoo and haw, different races communicate differently as well. I’m sure we’ve all heard the phrase “Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus”. This prompted a best selling book by John Gray. Men and women tend to receive the same message, but perceive it differently. This can result in what we call “the battle of the sexes”.
Let’s talk for a moment about intimacy in relationships and how it is synonomous to communication. Intimacy is a form of communication right? Of course it is. Intimacy communicates to the receiver what we are feeling. Some components of intimacy are closeness, sharing, bonding, affection, openness, honesty and friendship. For you closed minded folk, intimacy has less to do with sex than you think. In spite of what women believe, men desire intimacy just as much as we do. A myth is that men want as much sex as they can get from as many women as they can get it from. This is the exception and not the rule. Men desire intimacy, but from someone they know they can trust. I want to know they can place their most prized possession in their woman’s care and know that she will guard it with her life. What is this prized possession? His heart.
How many of you have read “Intimacy: Erotic Stories of Love, Lust and Marriage by Black Men”? If you haven’t read it yet, I’m suggesting that you do. Men are capable of sharing their vulnerabilities with their women. The book also explores the desires, loves, lusts and intimate desires of black men. Michael T. Owens and C. Kelley Robinson contributors in this sensual anthology. I’ll even go a step further and suggest that you read this book with someone that you are intimate with. This book is definitely not for the prude at heart. Come with an open mind and I challenge you to use ALL your senses when reading it.
Ultimately when men and woman can communicate effectively they can set a solid foundation for their relationship. Where communication is lacking, conflicts are a given. It is important in communicating that each person feels safe enough to say what they feel without any type of negative repercussion. We should be allowed to feel what we feel and express those feelings with the one we care about.
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