27 November 2002


I've been staring at a blank screen for the last 10 minutes, trying
to figure out how to start this. I mean, it has been a few months (A
FEW!!????) and, after such a long time, you'd expect something pretty
mind blowing, wouldn't you? At the very least, an apology would seem
in order:



Sorry!



The plain and horrible truth is, there hasn't been much to tell you
about and, rather than give you more on the adventures of Tommy
Tractor Mower (featuring Charlie Chainsaw), I chose to keep my gob
shut. After all, how many different ways are there of
saying: "Nothing's Happening".

Yes, there was the Nick Carter thing, but you knew about that
already. Can't tell you what an honour and privilege it was to have
33% of a song on the `B' side of a single that nobody bought.

Then there were several unsuccessful attempts, with various people,
to write songs for The Backstreet Boys, Lulu, Tom Jones, Faith Hill,
Samantha Mumba, Sophie Ellis Bextor, Anastasia, Emma Bunton, Geri,
Kylie etc and some people you've never heard of (for your sake, I
hope you never do).

Being asked to write a song for The Tweenies was bad enough but, I
finally realised I'd hit bottom when I found myself applying rapidly
diminishing brain cells to the task of writing a Christmas single for
Gareth Gates. You'll be relieved to hear that, after slamming my head
in a car door for several minutes, I managed to claw my way back from
the dark side. Now you can all sleep safely in your beds, secure in
the knowledge that "Every day is Christmas with you" will remain for
ever locked in the dankest recesses of the evil, twisted mind of Dr
Frankershaw.

For a while it seemed I could do nothing right. The worse thing's
got, the harder I tried. The harder I tried, the worse things got.
Then, one day, it came to me: If I reduce my backswing, break my
wrists earlier, release them later, keep my head down and open my
shoulders on impact, I can hit the ball further and with much more
accuracy. Within days, I'd knocked five strokes off my game!

Oops, wandered off there for a moment. Anyway, thanks for all the
emails. And, to answer about 40% of them: Yes, I am spoiled; Yes, I
do need to stop feeling sorry for myself; Yes, I do have all I need
here to make another album; Yes you're right, I don't need a record
company; Yes, I could release an Album over the Net; and No, I don't
need any double glazing.

So, fortified by your thoughts, support, threats of bodily harm, I
ventured out into the courtyard toward my studio, located the door,
macheted my way through the ivy growing across it and set to
unlocking the rusted locks and latches. With the help of a crowbar
and a small quantity of high explosives, I was able push the creaking
door open wide enough to gain entry. I was met with a scene
reminiscent of that bit in Planet Of The Apes where Mark Wahlberg
finds his old space ship. Hidden under cobwebs and 1/2 an inch of
dust (might've been cigarette ash) I could just make out the
unmistakeable shapes of old wine glasses, keyboards, guitars, wine
glasses, computer screens, faders, even… knobs, cuddly toy and some
old half empty wine glasses (Tescos, £3.50 for six). I made my way
gingerly through the detritus (stop me if this too much) to a dark,
fetid corner of the room and fumbled for the power switch I knew was
there. Found it! With one dextrous flick of the wrist, I was greeted
by a sound halfway between the noise you get when you put a cat in a
spin dryer and that of the Starship Enterprise, entering the later
and more perilous stages of Warp Drive. Valves creaked, transistors
buzzed and screens flickered… IT WAS ALIVE!!!

Several hoover bags, some disinfectant and a bottle of Fairy Liquid
later, I slumped, exhausted onto a bean bag, picked up the guitar
lying next to it and strummed the first chord of Album number 7. It
was an A Major! From that moment on, the ideas flowed like… like…
well, like ketchup, actually but at least they came. After three
weeks I had the bulk of two tracks recorded. One was called "Days
Like These" and the other, "Her Dangerous Eyes". I've started
recording a third and there's a fourth one written.

I'd like to be able to give you a release date but I'm not feeling
quite that brave at the moment. You never know when the dreaded
writers block will strike. I do know that next year will bring a lot
of personal upheaval for me and I may be without a studio for a while
but, hopefully, there'll be something to spend some of your hard
earned dosh on toward the end of 2003.

Thanks, as usual, for being so patient.

Have a great Christmas and New Year.

Love.


Nik.