To all of my friends, please be sitting down when you read this!!!!




>WARNING: IF YOU HAVE A WEAK BLADDER OR HAVE A TENDENCY TO CONTROL ANY
>BODILY FUNCTION, YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE PRECAUTIONS BEFORE READING THIS.. I
>WISH I HAD BEEN GIVEN THIS INFO BEFORE I STARTED TO READ THIS... ALAS IT'S
>TO LATE!!!!!!!!!!
>
>ENJOY AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

>>Texas Chili Cook Off
>>I know this has been around before, but it is the funniest dam* story I
>>have ever read, so here it is again, just in case some of you missed it.
>>
>>NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>>first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of
>>you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They
>>actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
>>It takes up major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will
>>likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like
>>me, you will be howling out loud.
>>
>>INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester
>>Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I
>>was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
>>person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
>>there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the
>>call came.
>>
>>I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
>>wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
>>beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
>>
>>Here are the scorecards from the event:
>>__________________________________________________________
>>
>>CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
>>JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>>JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
>>paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>__________________________________________________________
>>
>>CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>>JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>>JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>seriously.
>>FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
>>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
>>to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>>they saw the look on my face.
>>
>>__________________________________________________________
>>
>>CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>>JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
>>have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
>>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
>>in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.
>>
>>________________________________________________________
>>
>>CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>>JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>>taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
>>standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bi*ch is starting to
>>look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
>>aphrodisiac?
>>_______________________________________________________
>>
>>CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>>JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>>considerable kick. Very Impressive.
>>JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
>>no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>>chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
>>pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
>>lips off?
>>
>>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
>>screaming. Screw those rednecks!
>>________________________________________________________
>>
>>CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>>JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
>>and peppers.
>>JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>>Superb.
>>FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
>>through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>>Sally.
>>
>>Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!
>>___________________________________________________
>>
>>CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>>JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
>>about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
>>cursing uncontrollably.
>>FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
>>feel a dam* thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
>>it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
>>unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match
>>my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
>>I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
>>getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just inhale it in through
>>the 4-inch
>>hole in my stomach.
>

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