Mistress Dolly Parton

Country Queen.

"It would be so convenient if there were two Dolly Partons: the Top-40, "Two Doors Down" and "9 to 5" Dolly, the Dolly of the platinum-floss wigs and fake fingernails; and the Dolly of "Coat of Many Colors" and "Down From Dover," the guitar-picking Dolly with the mountains in her blood and the quivering teardrops in her voice."

"Julia Roberts' rep confirmed she's expecting her third child with husband Danny Moder and is due this summer. She named her twins Hazel and Phinnaeus so I'm just waiting to see what she'll come up with this time. Although on the scale of embarrassing names it'll be pretty tough to top Phinnaeus. I'm guessing she'll go with a sound effect. Like Kapow Roberts. Or she can always go with Gonorrhea. If you're looking to ruin your kid's life that one's a classic."

"Of course Dolly Parton is a sentimentalist: The whole point of her work is to get across what it's like to feel things incredibly strongly and without reservation. She makes Andrew W.K. sound like Grace Jones. When she's happy or nostalgic, which she is a lot of the time (dirt-poor but happy childhoods! loving families! SUNSHINE!), the result is usually kitsch: Music that spells out how and why her audience is supposed to feel happy or nostalgic too. When she's feeling something darker or more complicated, though, the same technique is a lot more impressive."