Dear everyone

been reading all your recent posts, and i just wanted to say thank
you to you all for your support, on the board, in person at the gigs
and generally.

You're right, I have been on a bit of a downer of late - for a lot of
this year, in fact, and it hasn't been only music related, i have had
some personal and health things to deal with and such, I won't
bore you all with the details. The hardest thing for me is to seem
hyper positive about my situation when I am and am not,
depending on the day and my mood. Being dropped was actually
a huge blessing, every way I look at it. I was never going to have
any success on Polydor because my A&R man didn't understand
what I do or how to sell it, and the main guy at universal won't
push anything that isn't going to make his best chum Simon
Fuller any money. It sounds simplistic, but it's actually more true
than it sounds ---- more true than my sour grapes, if you like.

So, moving away from the label was great creatively, awful
financially (because, labels never pay up what they owe you
contractually, they just flout legal details knowing that very few
artists enjoy the fiscal comfort or support to sue for what they are
owed) - but by and large, I feel like I want to make my best work
now because I know it won't be greeted by a moron who goes
"Wow! This is great", looking elated for a moment, and then
suddenly glum, followed by "But how will this ever get on
Radio1?". It won't, squire, because it isn't meant to.

So, I am now at the point where I have written what I think are my
best ever songs, and have recorded the larger part of an album
and am starting to dip my toe in the water again. But how to
address my previous form? I am not ashamed of my first record,
but I can see what is wrong with it. But honestly, I don't think the
things that are wrong with it are what stopped it from selling well.
More, in this age of mass exposure and not getting to number
one in your first week being a disaster, and not being particularly
prone to hyperbole, I don't know how to be all smiles and go "this
is great and I am wonderful and you should buy my record".
That's bullshit, and it doesn't reflect who I am. I write and sing
because it is the sole thing in the universe that moves me, and
makes me and hopefully other people happy. But the circus of
label deals, press, radio, pop idol, being cutting edge, or being a
new Norah Jones, or not, it just all goes over my head.

I am just learning to let go, to be honest and embrace my so
called failure (in commercial terms) and make it the making of
me, which I instinctively know it will be. If in the meantime, I am
sometimes a bit dour, or sad or not fronting, please understand.
I am being myself, but in my most perverse way - this is probably
a result of hanging out in LA a lot, and loving people's reactions
when they ask you how it's going (and when they expect the "oh
great, I've got this going on, and that, bla bla bla....) and you
reply
"well, not very well really. " They look dumbstruck. Of course, 90%
of the LA spiele is all bull, but everyone is too scared to admit it.
It's almost as good as when I drop the word c**t into
conversation, (heart contusion all round).

But don't worry about me, I actually know I am really good, only
now, I was a little ropey before, but now I definitely have my shit
together and there are few people out there I really feel
particularly in awe of, if I'm honest. I just need to find a way to
be
confident without arrogance, as I just can't bear bravado or front
without substance. It's just shallow. So bear with me, while I
figure out how to do this! If, no when, something good finally
happens, you can all say you knew it would from the very
beginning.

And thank you again, for your kind words and above all,
enthusiasm. I'm going away this week and won't be able to
check in on the board, but will be back the week after.

Lots of love
Nerina xx