"Why I May Be Moving To Mars...Seriously!"

By Kenny Love


Although this nightmarish scenario that I am about to describe
to you is highly and likely improbable, there is always that
ingrained element known as "margin of error" which could be
swayed in an undesired direction.

And, at this point, this scenario is possible due to the final
results still being as far away as a Texas prisoner is from
receiving a get well card from the local mortician after being
shot multiple times while trying to escape.

I'm speaking off-topic for the moment about the upcoming
landmark historical 2008 presidential election that, as of this
writing and its related post, is a mere 61 days away, to be
conducted on November 4th (that's THIS year for all the
Harvard and Yale graduates reading this).

So, here's the very scary scenario X millions of voters...

You missed the opportunity to vote on November 4th because...

1. You were at your day job and your boss would not allow you
to leave (a clear violation of your Civil Rights, for sure). If only
you could have gotten that house band gig every night at that
new ritzy upscale live music club called "Ying Yang."

Unfortunately, your music rivals, "The Tootie Frooties" band,
won that regular nightly gig that you were hoping for, and which
is paying them a record $1,400 per week. Not bad change at all
for a band with only three members, and two of whom you
taught to play guitar and bass back in the day.

2. You forgot to vote (that's strange, because with the entire
day being about the election, it is likely that the onset of
Alzheimer's is already upon you).

3. Your automobile would not start. One of the reasons is
because you can no longer find auto parts for a 1970 first-year
Gremlin. Also, you did not bother extensively searching for the
part needed because, at this point, you are sick and tired of
the neighborhood kids comparing the rear sides of your car that
has the horizontal and vertical stripes to the rudder and
vertical stabilizer on a jet airplane.

To add insult to injury, the last straw was when one of the kids
yelled that all your car needs is a set of wings and a flight plan.

4. Your wife wanted you to go Christmas shopping with her at
both the "Pay Less" store and the "Pay More" store (and, to
avoid an argument, you did). Of interest to note, is that she
only bought you a pair of socks (price: $1.89 including tax) as a
Christmas gift from the Pay Less store, with her reasons
primarily, being because you lost out on getting the gig that the
"Tootie Frooties" got, when you and she both know that your
band is much better.

In any event, unfortunately, one of the socks already had a
hole in the right toe that you didn't see before your wife
purchased the socks, and you couldn't return them because
you remember there was an "All Sales Final" sign over the socks
bin.

The shopping budget for your wife, however, came to an
unprecedented (and unwarranted) $789.32 (plus tax) at the
Pay More store, which is part of a national upscale chain akin
to Saks Fifth Avenue.

5. Your husband wanted you to go shopping with him (huh???)

6. Your wife forced you to shop so long with her that you
returned home late too tired to watch the election results on
CNN.

7. All Of The Above

So, on November 5, 2008, as you are getting dressed to go to
work, as do many people, you turn on the television to hear if
your new president is named John McInSane, of if Barack
Obama actually pulled it off and made history.

But, for some reason, the all but forgotten phrase, "chad,"
keeps being tossed around between the television anchors'
conversation. Oh, no! Not that again! A three-peat? More of
the same! That's McInSane!

To be sure, McInSane is in office, with a previously unheard of
"Annie Oakley" type, gun-totin', moose huntin', tobacco-chewing,
snuff-dippin'/spittin' Vice President named Sarah ImPalin'!

By the way...my apologies in advance to any Alaskan moose
reading this, because no citizen should have to live in fear for
his or her life like you guys (and girls) do daily.

What is it with these gun-toting vice presidents and vice
presidential candidates these days anyway? Because, in my
opinion, this is clearly a blatant example of getting more "buck
for your bang."

That last guy, er, what's his name...Dick (or is it Richard?)
Cheney, instead, took the "high road" by aiming his gunsight on
and shooting the stuffing out of a real live human...a reportedly
close 78-year-old friend named Harry Whittington while on a
hunting expedition a couple of years ago. Whittington, who
was an Austin attorney at the time, had given $1,000 to
President Bush's 2000 campaign and $2,000 to his 2004
re-election campaign, but I guess that wasn't quite enough
and he came up short...literally.

I often wonder if, as a result of this "accident," Vice President
Cheney was required afterward to attend either an anger
management course, a defensive shooting course so that the
incident would not be made a permanent part of his shooting
record with law enforcement agencies, or both.

At Mr. Whittington's misfortune, I, however, learned a valuable
lesson, which is if I ever donate to a presidential re-election
campaign, I should strongly consider giving, at least, double the
amounts, at a minimum of $6,000 in the interest of offsetting
any safety and security issues that may, possibly, be awaiting
me in the woods. On second thought, it's probably a good thing
that I don't hunt.

To add insult to injury, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin
said back in June of this year that two incidents regarding the
United States is God's will.

1. The Iraq War - Palin says it was/is God's will.

2. Oil drilling in Palin's home state of Alaska. Yes, she has
actually gone on record to say that it is God's will that drilling
begin in Alaska.

Now, with this direct connection to God and His specific
thoughts, I'm thinking Mrs. Palin is being seriously shortchanged
financially by accepting the vice presidential position when she
can, obviously, hone in spiritually like this to the tune of millions
of dollars. I mean, why settle for less? Why settle for less,
indeed?

Of course, she will need to ensure nothing less than absolute
accuracy during her "hone-ins" lest she end up like that past
famous seer affectionately known as "Ms. Cleo." The strangest
thing about Ms. Cleo, though, is that in her own situation, she
never saw it coming.

But, as you can see, it is seriously time for my consideration of
relocation...not just to another geographical area, but to
another planet.

As such, I have selected Mars as my planet of choice, with the
only exception of not making my move being that B. O. lands
the top political U. S. political spot this November.

Further, in defense of my relocation consideration, I also hear
that Mars is great this time of year.

To read my responses to VP unhopeful Palin, see my posts at:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BarackObamaDiscussiontGroup2008/message/695

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BarackObamaDiscussiontGroup2008/message/702

Thanks,

kl
kenlove@...



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